How do you handle it?

[freebrady2015]

This weekend I was at an event at the local gay club where the clientele is mostly upper-middle-class white gay men. Just to give some background I'm still currently pre-T trans guy, my wait for T is thankfully almost over. So after the event I have to use the bathroom and although I'm not really comfortable using the men's room yet my girlfriend convinced me I should do it. I walk in and there are two guys washing their hands and one of them gives me a look. I avoid eye contact and just walk into a stall and do my business. While I'm in the stall I hear this guy say really loudly to his friend "It just confuses me" and I can't really make out the rest of what they were saying.

Later that night having told my girlfriend what I heard in the stall she told me that when the two guys walked out of the bathroom she heard one of them say "that was a girl, right?" or something along those lines. She wanted to be honest with me and not keep it to herself so she thought it was better to tell me.

I know this kind of stuff happens all the time to people in our community but I don't know how you handle it? How can something a complete stranger says hurt so much? I think what made it worse too was the fact that it happened at an LGBT venue.. I thought I had thicker skin but it really got to me.

[Laura_7]

Later that night having told my girlfriend what I heard in the stall she told me that when the two guys walked out of the bathroom she heard one of them say "that was a girl, right?" or something along those lines. She wanted to be honest with me and not keep it to herself so she thought it was better to tell me.

Try to forget it, pat yourself on the shoulder that you were brave, and move on. Just keep moving on.
Your passing will improve over time and such incidents will become less and less.
Try to laugh about it and don't take it personal.

Male gay people can be showing less understanding because to some people are either gay or straight. And they may have less understanding of trans people because they sometimes had to fight to set them apart from being straight. So they may see people as either straight, gay or in denial. But there is more, obviously.

Try to laugh it off. Next try, better luck next time.
Keep having fun.


hugs fom a sis

[FTMDiaries]

It's very upsetting when this happens, especially pre-T. But to be perfectly honest with you, it actually makes more sense that this happened in a gay venue rather than in a straight venue.

You know why?

Trans guys are practically invisible in society, both pre- and post-T. Pre-T we're presumed to be lesbians, and post-T we tend to blend in like any other guy. And because lesbians are much more visible in LGBT spaces, anyone who might be perceived as female but who presents as masculine is much more likely to be seen as lesbian by other LGBT people - especially if you're there with a girlfriend. After all, lesbian couples are a familiar sight in gay spaces... but how many people can identify a pre-T trans guy on first sight?

The only places where I got uphill when I was pre-T was in the men's room in LGBT spaces. It hurts, and it's heartbreaking when it happens. I can tell you from experience that it's even more heartbreaking if you're a gay trans guy, because not only are you presumed to be a lesbian, but the guys you're attracted to treat you like you don't even exist. You feel completely invisible and excluded from their circle.

But T does magical things, and there comes a point in most of our transitions when we blend into the background and are no longer seen as being 'female'. In the meantime, I found it helpful to remember that people like those guys you encountered are merely unfamiliar with trans guys, and that this is not your fault. There will come a time when anyone who tries to call you a 'girl' will look like a complete idiot. Please don't let someone else's ignorance get you down. Hang in there until the magic happens; life does get better!

And well done for having the courage to use the men's room there. That was just one unpleasant experience, but please don't let it put you off trying again.

[freebrady2015]

Thank you Laura_7 and FTMDiaries - you both made me feel a lot better

I was wondering about it too and thinking how extra heartbreaking my experience would have been if I were gay and potentially attracted to these men.

I'm lucky my girlfriend is very supportive and spent the rest of the night wiping away my tears and just hugging me. But I felt really stupid too for letting it get to me in that way.

[Peep]

I guess it hurts because we're more likely to be clocked in LGBT spaces but that's where we're supposed to be the safest. I'm sorry that happened to you - but I'm also gonna say congrats on your bravery for even going in! I don't know if i'll ever use a mens' room pre T. Having the courage to do it seems like a victory to me

[Kylo]

Yeah, gay people are more attuned to spotting us probably because they face similar issues in how they are looked at by society, how their own behavior is clockable, etc.

As already mentioned T can masculinize a body quite well, but it takes a few years.

Personally I don't really care what people say at this stage (mine), because until I look more guy than girl I really can't expect people to be mind readers. I'd be concerned if I was 5 -10+ years post T and they were still saying it.

I'd be bugged if they decided to come up and tell me I'll never, ever resemble a man and should give up now... but of course that's the exact thing a person should say to me if they want me to crank the "prove 'em wrong" lever up to 11.