Genderfluidity and Lots of Confusion

[phfatbeatrice]

Hi,

So I'm very new to this forum, but I'm reaching out for some kind of help.

I'm genderfluid. I've known this since I was about 14. I constantly feel different about myself and my gender and it's a big confusing mess. Well, as of late, I've been using an object of clothing for my friends to identify which gender I'm feeling at that time. When I'm feeling like a girl (my biological gender) I don't wear the hat, don't bind, don't wear my packer, and I go by the name Brianna; when I'm feeling like a boy I do wear my hat, I bind, wear my packer, and go by the name Eric. When I'm feeling like neither, I wear my hat but don't bind and go by Bri, Eric, or (as more of a joke) Brick.

Even though I'm receiving support from my friends, I'm still feeling very lost... Being unsure of a gender is so difficult and I'm constantly feeling lost. My whole life I've wanted to have male genitalia, even when I feel like a girl... As of late, I've been having very horrible dysphoria towards my female bits but there's literally nothing I can do about it.

I just wanted to reach out and see if you guys had any sort of advice or things you could recommend for me, since my dysphoria has recently gotten horrible within the last couple months. I know I don't want to transition or fully live as a boy. Alongside that, I've not come out to my mother who would kick me out in a heartbeat (she is extremely transphobic)

Sometimes it's so confusing and difficult that I think about doing dangerous things to myself like self harm or suicide. I am just a very lost soul and I'm hoping people who know a little more and are more comfortable with themselves could help me out only this confusing and difficult path...

~Eric

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. You might be helped by a gender therapist because it sounds like you have some identity issues to work out. The dysphoria is the part you need to work out. What makes you uncomfortable and what brings you comfort. Once you get those nailed down you may have a better idea the type of life you want to live. I don't really know all that much about the fluid life but there is a non-binary section on this site where you will find other people who are fluid. Feel free to ask questions on this thread and I will see them as well as the others who will soon be posting here.

[suzifrommd]

Hi Eric. Welcome to Susan's. 

Here are some links to site policies and other helpful information:

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Being non-binary can be a burden. There is so much internal and external pressure to "just pick a side." In the end that's what I decided to do, but I don't think it's ideal for everyone. For some it takes some soul-searching to figure out how they want to live.

Some questions to ask yourself:
* Is it important how people see me? How people treat me? How do I want my genderfluidity to color my interactions with people?
* Is my clothing important? If yes, are there ways my presentation can help me with my genderfluidity?
* Is it necessary for people to see me the way I am right now, or is it enough that they just know that I'm non-binary and might be either male or female at any given time?
* What is the nature of my dysphoria? Is it over body? Social stuff? Appearance? Do I have more dysphoria in one gender than the other?
* What sort of things seem to trigger my dysphoria? What sort of things ease it?

Maybe the process of answering these questions will bring you closer to some clarity.