I knew things were going to smoothly...Oh well ce la vie

[LizK]

It's father day here in Australia so Happy Fathers Day to those who celebrate. As a result of this both my daughters were coming over for lunch. Fantastic.

Quick Background, just my wife and I, married long time, 2 adult daughters, have come out to everyone I need to with the exception of my parents and daughters...parents next week as am flying over to NZ to see them, Daughters when we get back. Have just started experimenting doing stuff for myself as have house to myself most days and made an agreement with wife would not do anything nor make any changes till we come back from NZ...

Eldest daughter turns up for lunch bleary eyed after a night in a Hotel with a couple of mates and announces she is moving back in "for a short while". I am delighted to have her home but this will also severely cramp my style as far as transitioning goes because now I will have another person to consider on an everyday basis. So my free and easy ability to dress and do as I wished has just been curtailed. I had planned on coming out to her and her sister a couple of weeks after we got back from NZ. Will have to do it sooner rather than later.

Even still it is unlikely that I will have any real freedom as I am still going to need to be considerate not only of her (even if I am out to her) but her mother until she moves back out again which I suspect could be up to a year. Her mother will most likely have a different attitude about things with my daughter here...just a gut feel.

That is life...I am at the point now where I have stopped fighting and I am trying to move into acceptance, I have started to really listen internally to try and identify where it is I am going...my heart still strongly takes me towards transition and each time I have a negative thought or start beating myself up I remind myself of the damage I have already done to myself by not dealing with it and what the future holds if I don't come to terms with what I want to do. It is now a matter of getting my head right and accepting that this is the best course of action...

[KatelynBG]

Hugs Sarah, I've appreciated your support recently and let me know if I can help in anyway. PM me if you need.

[Dena]

To this day there is one rule above all others and that is when I am at my mothers house, it's her rules. If I don't like it, I am free to move out. I was lucky in that my parents were warned about 6 years before I moved in to the female role that the day was coming so I never had a problem with that. I did understand that if I stayed there, any guest I brought over needed their approval and I needed to make myself as useful as possible while I visited.

If your daughter hasn't learned this rule yet, it might be time to introduce her to it.

[Laura_7]

Well is it possible you can make this an advantage ?
You might come out, and they might even support you... you asking for advice concerning makeup etc...

And I'd say try to relax...

You could have a look here and the links there:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,194946.msg1736596.html#msg1736596

Many transgender people learned to adapt from childhood on, kind of trying to adapt to expectations.
Knowing helps. You might try to listen what gives you a good feeling concerning yourself.
With time you will learn more and more to discern what comes from within, and what you'd like.
Of course all within reason.

I'd say read up a little... think a bit about it... ask a few questions...
there is also a chat on susans...

and remember its a journey... stay open to new things...


*hugs*

[LizK]

Thanks for the support KatelynBG glad of could be of support to you.

Hi Dena I think my daughter gets the idea while this will always be her home it s is my home as well and as such I expect certain standards and I am sure she will oblige. She is a great gal.

Thank you for the reply Laura..I am well into exploring what makes me tick and have a very good idea now...the next part of my transition was due to start when we came back from our Holiday in another few weeks. As it has been my wife and I for so long I was planning on going fulltime for a week when we got back...now with the Daughter back for awhile it may be a few weeks more before I can do this. I guess part of it is the frustration of being so close to finally make some headway...I have been trying to do this since I was 19 over 30 years ago so I am starting to become a little impatient I will admit....like I said at the start ce la vie...what can I do...I love my daughter and will never turn her away....I will get there, I will get my time...eventually.

[KatelynBG]

Trust me, I get the frustration. I actually got a little heated with my therapist when she said I couldn't take any further steps towards transition until I lay it all out with my wife and that I couldn't do that until well after our child is born. What set me off was her telling me it would be selfish to do so earlier. I was quite upset as I explained that I have never once been selfish, not when I took the first professional job offered to me even though it wasn't what I wanted, when my wife moved me 150 miles away from my closest friends or family so we could live near her parents, not when I changed careers to the financial sector because my wife wanted me to have a larger and more stable paycheck. There's literally never been a major life decision that I have been selfish about, including the damn gender I live as.

I definitely get the frustration of waiting. It's so hard once you realize what you want and realize that it's so close and all you want to do is sprint towards it with your arms open. Hang in there, it's all still close and you will get there soon.

[LizK]

Thanks Katelyn

Yeah I think it is frustration...I am also having a really have a crap day with the Dysphoria going crazy and so is my physical stuff so I guess I am a bit antsy...I hear what you are saying about putting other people first and I have done it all my life especially my family...I have not pursued this deliberately at times because of my family...I do not begrudge any of the decisions I made ..it was necessary and I did them, taking crap jobs just to ensure there is food ion the table, putting needs and allocating money ahead of myself, going without so the kids could have...just the normal sort of things Dad's do for their families. Maybe I feel its my turn...

I have tried every way known to man or beast to explain my wife that I want to transition...even to the point of letting her read a letter I wrote to my brother where I discussed transition and how I would proceed with it...she told me the letter was very sad but I still don't think she accepts that I am going to do this regardless. Some of her comments leave me wondering if she really does understand...did I wear women's lacy underwear...no I wear women's everyday underwear but yes I have some lace...queer look on her face and she tells me,  she found that a little "creepy"...so underneath she still sees a fetish?

Was I growing my hair out...yes I am...well I don't like you with long hair you look better with short hair...my response, I prefer you in long hair...her I hate long hair not going to happen...the inference was that I should cut my hair because she prefers it short?  Don't know but it concerns me after all the conversations I have had with her that she to still not be able to connect the dots...I say this because if she really had thought about what all this means then she would not be asking questions in the way she does...it feels like she is saying "you have got to be kidding are you really going to grow your hair?" this is the kind of feeling that goes with a number of her comments, sometimes it appears she is surprised that I would want to do female things or wear female clothing or be female. If I didn't want any of this then why would I want to transition...anyway enough brooding...Thanks for letting me vent

Sarah T

[Qrachel]

Dear Sahara:

Sometimes timing is convenient and sometimes not.   I was discovered in feme by a colleague at work while shopping one weekend, and life was never the same.

You have to be comfortable enough to face each day as the sun rises.  However, if you try to make it convenient for multiple people it will be like Waiting For Godot.  Your loved ones need to know and telling them shows respect for them, but when it's time, it's time . . . no amount of rearranging the circumstances in your life will change that.  (It may not be time, but not because of anyone besides you.)

You have made the tough decision about who are (from what you have written), and now you are struggling with consequences because you know and haven't acted.  We have all been there for better or worse.  There's a dirty little secret buried in that last statement:  There is no good time (or bad) to move on, only the time when you are ready and act.  But be assured, when you do it won't be the right time, only the time you did so.

This sounds horribly fatalistic, and I won't argue the point.  On the other hand: Transitioning is so hard because it is all about doing versus thinking (it's easy to be in our heads about this), and this tears at us because of the unknown.  Guess what:  It'll still be all unknown until you start taking the steps to transition everyday that moves you along your journey.

If this sounds like I'm being a big ole jerk, then I'll own that because the matter is what it is.  I have a great deal of empathy for you, as I sat right on the edge for 3+ months before moving forward one step at a time and waited 30 years before that.  This is not to suggest you should not be a loving and forgiving person while you move forward. 

In my view, it's the power of love that causes a transition to work.  Life is short and then . . . Well, looking back I'm certain all the years I waited will not be viewed by me as, "Wow, wasn't it great I didn't love my family and myself enough to be honest with us during all that time."

For sure I'm not right or wrong here - all that really matters is your life and decisions therein . . . and for that you have my deepest admiration and love.

All the best to you and yours,

Rachel

[LizK]

QRachael on the contrary you are not being a " a big ole jerk" you are in fact making some very valid comments and I thank you for them.

I think I am at the point I know who I am, still not good in the acceptance department...that still needs quite a bit of work, I can't deny it otherwise I would be denying the first half of my life...I knew then with certainty when I was younger...you couldn't have made me talk but I knew...I don't know when I stopped knowing and started doubting. It has taken me a long time to understand that "my narrative" doesn't have to be like everyone else's I can make choices about how I want to portray myself to the world

I think your advice is sound, I agree there will be no great time...we are off to see my parents in 2 days so that will leave my Daughter looking after the place. By the time we get back I will have come out to my parents and this will leave one brother and my Daughters which will happen very soon after we get back. From this point forward I want to explore this transition further...I want to be as sure as I can be that, transitioning is right for me...

I was having a really crappy day and you managed to put a smile on my face with that post of yours...thank you

Sarah T

[JoanneB]

I feel your pain Sarah. I'm into year 2 of a big curtailment of my dual existence. In my case it was in answer to both my wife's and my prayers, a dream job opportunity back home, with her vs the 350 mile long distance relationship and working in a job where I was nothing more then a glorified administrative assistant and not the hero engineer I'm used to being. Though one would think that moving from hillbilly country to just outside New York City Joanne's existence would be enhanced. Not a bad assumption except for being this hate filled backwards thinking suburban paradise where my wife fears for my life and safety (justifiably so given our history here already) I needed to go from a part-time female life to a hiding in the house life.

This also created the circumstances for me to work even harder on my main goal at the start of this journey 6 years ago. That is to better integrate both the male and female aspects of myself into one whole, healthy, and happy person. Doing so has done more for preventing the big dysphoria disaster days and it's partner "WTF am I doing " episodes. Not totally so, but looking back they are far fewer.

I try to look upon challenges such as yours and mine, not as obstacles but as opportunities to grow, to learn. There is likely a lesson there we needed and the time is right to take the test. The challenge would not be there if we were not ready for it. The trick is realizing that you are and can.