On the fence

[ashawobbles]

I'm 25 years old and I am currently presenting as male. For the past 15 years I have had feelings of wanting to be a girl and I have repressed these feelings. I have only come out to my closest friends. My greatest regret is not being able to articulate my feelings when I first had them.

I am embarrassed and nervous about bringing it up with my family and I'm pretty sure both my parents are guilty of transphobia by ignorance.
My age, height, weight, body type and physique are all against me. I'm 25, so growing and most secondary sexual characters are set-in at this point. There's no way to visualize how much hormones, treatments, and therapies will be able to help before I embark on this journey. I am tall for a woman and I have big feet for a woman. I am obese and I have not had much luck with dieting or exercise. I have a very masculine build and masculine facial features

I believe myself to be a woman, or at the very least, not a man. I have been born a man, raised a man, and I (currently) publicly express and identity myself as a man, but it's all a lie to me. I've repressed these feelings for a long time, and it's all bubbled up and it's ready to burst. But maybe I don't want to do that anymore. Even if it had the smallest chance of making me happier in the long run I'd be willing to do it.
I have not particularly enjoyed my (fairly limited) sexual experiences as a man.

I'm currently debating whether or not to transition. Do I suffer in silence, or do I do something about it I might regret?

[suzifrommd]

Do I suffer in silence, or do I do something about it I might regret?

I don't know you well, so I can't say for sure, I can just give general advice. Please take it with a grain of salt.

I don't think decisions should be made with a worry about whether you'll regret. Just about every decision I've ever made, I've second guessed at some point, even those that turned out to be excellent. Pretty much the only exception to that was my decision to transition. I've never wanted to go back.

I had a lot of the insecurities you did. In the end, none of the mattered. My life is so much more genuine and that eclipses all the physical issues.

Two things to keep in mind:

1. You can have a wonderful transition without passing. Some of the happiest trans women I know don't pass and never will, and are nevertheless thrilled with their transitions.

2. Once you transition, you are allowed to be whatever sort of woman you are. You're allowed to be a large woman with masculine features. That doesn't make you any less a woman.

Good luck, dear. Keep posting. We're here when you need us.

[katrinaw]

I'm 25 years old and I am currently presenting as male. For the past 15 years I have had feelings of wanting to be a girl and I have repressed these feelings. I have only come out to my closest friends. My greatest regret is not being able to articulate my feelings when I first had them.

From my experience and heart don't repress and hide it all... I did and am transitioning very late in life T does a lot to your body and face. Also the more you hide and the more you pretend to be male, the harder it is to undo anything you may have done to conceal your true self.

I am embarrassed and nervous about bringing it up with my family and I'm pretty sure both my parents are guilty of transphobia by ignorance.

Are you sure? Have you tested it? Often it seems that way, until someone close and has a loving bond comes out...

My age, height, weight, body type and physique are all against me. I'm 25, so growing and most secondary sexual characters are set-in at this point. There's no way to visualize how much hormones, treatments, and therapies will be able to help before I embark on this journey. I am tall for a woman and I have big feet for a woman. I am obese and I have not had much luck with dieting or exercise. I have a very masculine build and masculine facial features

You can control some of your concerns your own self, however the younger you start on HRT the better chance of the changes being taken up by your body. There are no exact timelines, for some its quicker and over time very effective for others like me starting at close to fifty it takes many years.

I believe myself to be a woman, or at the very least, not a man. I have been born a man, raised a man, and I (currently) publicly express and identity myself as a man, but it's all a lie to me. I've repressed these feelings for a long time, and it's all bubbled up and it's ready to burst. But maybe I don't want to do that anymore. Even if it had the smallest chance of making me happier in the long run I'd be willing to do it.
I have not particularly enjoyed my (fairly limited) sexual experiences as a man.

I'm currently debating whether or not to transition. Do I suffer in silence, or do I do something about it I might regret?

I spent 58 years hating being what I had to seen as, I had 3 kids and now I have grandkids... (and I love them all dearly) so your experiences are felt... as far as suffering, don't go there, get some help (easier today than through most of my life), and FWIW you are in the best place to know who you are, maybe you need some help for you to see who you are, at least then you can plan to live life in a happier state than you may with doubt.

I hope some of this helps you, even in a little way.

hugs

Katy

[Jacqueline]

ashawobbles,

Hi and welcome.

I would not be too concerned about body type and age right now. HRT seems to effect different people in different ways. However, if that is the right direction for you, at this age, it will probably help. It won't change your voice, remove facial hair or restructure your skeletal base. However, redistribution of fat, skin changes and potentially holding off some forms of head hair loss are pretty substantial things. Not magic but helps some and as I understand it, it can be hugely helpful emotionally and mentally.

I can't tell you what to do. However, I would highly suggest two things:

1-while it is hard and seems like disrespect, don't worry about your parents right now. Try not to sever that bond forever but make yourself someone you can love and feel right with.

2-(really part of the first suggestion)Everyone say it along with me. If you have not started some sort of therapy(gender therapist but a general therapist is helpful too), please do so. It really is so helpful. It is not about them telling you, "you are transgender(or not)", "you should transition(or not)", "you are (or are not) male or female enough to ...", "you should (or shouldn't) take hormones because..."  It is about you. Period. It is about helping to sort through patterns of behavior, feelings, thoughts, doubts. They help you explore the different possibilities without  forming or traveling to patterns of hurtful or dangerous behavior. Then they can help guide you to make good, logical and emotional decisions. Then you can worry about telling people, or transitioning and how far you might need to go.

I wish you love, acceptance and a smooth journey.

Joanna

[CarlyMcx]

+1 on you should see a therapist.  Try to find one through your health insurance company.  Private therapists who work outside the insurance companies are very expensive.  If you do not have health insurance and live in the U.S., then get health insurance when the next enrollment period comes up.

[JoanneB]

My age, height, weight, body type and physique are all against me. I'm 25, so growing and most secondary sexual characters are set-in at this point. There's no way to visualize how much hormones, treatments, and therapies will be able to help before I embark on this journey. I am tall for a woman and I have big feet for a woman. I am obese and I have not had much luck with dieting or exercise. I have a very masculine build and masculine facial features

I believe myself to be a woman, or at the very least, not a man. I have been born a man, raised a man, and I (currently) publicly express and identity myself as a man, but it's all a lie to me. I've repressed these feelings for a long time, and it's all bubbled up and it's ready to burst. But maybe I don't want to do that anymore. Even if it had the smallest chance of making me happier in the long run I'd be willing to do it.
I have not particularly enjoyed my (fairly limited) sexual experiences as a man.

I'm currently debating whether or not to transition. Do I suffer in silence, or do I do something about it I might regret?

I'm 6ft tall big hands, super extra large feel according to ScubaPro, balding since 14, and a deeper then the average male voice, and formerly 250lbs of blubber. In my early 20's not much was different except perhaps a bit more hair then today and a few less pounds. (I had dropped 100 lbs before the experiments) As the old adage goes 99% of passing is attitude. Actually, you may not but don't give a rat's ass or run your life by what every person everywhere may think. In my 20's I twice "Experimented" with transitioning. Both times stopping because of what I thought other's thought and that "Some Guy in a Dress" feeling that followed me everywhere. Today when I get an uncomfortably too long look I figure it's because I'm not bad looking for an old bat.

I believe myself to be a woman, or at the very least, not a man. I have been born a man, raised a man, and I (currently) publicly express and identity myself as a man, but it's all a lie to me. I've repressed these feelings for a long time, and it's all bubbled up and it's ready to burst. But maybe I don't want to do that anymore. Even if it had the smallest chance of making me happier in the long run I'd be willing to do it.
I have not particularly enjoyed my (fairly limited) sexual experiences as a man.

I always wished from the age of 4 to be a girl. Never felt like a boy or a man. I had no other option BUT to be one. Yet, I had a dream. Following it failed and I tried to ignore it. After wife #1 tried following it again and failed. Some 30+ years later the excrement hit the air hander again. I had way too much time alone with myself, my thoughts. A lot came bubbling up, including the lone long suppressed hope, wish and dream. It came to me that my life was a misery because of how I was not handling being trans.

I sought out help. Being in the boonies the closest therapist was over 3 hours away. I found a local (90 minute drive) support group that eventually turned my life around for the better. With special thanks to a pair of angels there for me when I needed them most.

At the time, after 2 failed experiments at transitioning, all I wanted, and still do, is to find a way to keep these two major aspects of myself, the male and female, happy inside of me. I still primarily present male. I lived part time as female. I have a smallish B cup. Most of all I found happiness. I found joy. I found, no, got a taste of, what it is like to really be me and not what I thought I needed to be for everyone else.

Over the course of those 30+ years of suppression I turned myself into a lifeless, soulless thing that existed only because it it was expected to. I turned into a caricature, a Hollywood façade, of what I thought a "Man" should be. I wasn't me. The cost to my life for that is immeasurable.

If you are not near a major metro area a for real gender therapist is difficult to impossible to find. A trans support group is far easier. Check with a state or county level trans or LGBT organization for leads to both. Google is your friend, provided you can formulate good search terms to weed out the porn and ->-bleeped-<- ->-bleeped-<- hookup sites. There is also the Psychology Today doc find that has a "gender issues" search. Use with caution as that seems to mean I took a class once where trans stuff was mentioned. Again, this is where a local support group is invaluable.

Without first fully understanding your feelings and learning what options or means of managing or coping with your feelings there are, you will always be unhappy and always wondering "What if...?" Other's who have been there and a good gender therapist are invaluable in sorting out your feelings and your options.

[Sophieraven]

Just to add a Noob's view point to this, Don't suffer in silence, I did that and am now trying to sort it out at 45 and wished I'd done it much sooner.
So that's a +1 to the get off ya bum Votes, lol.
Sophie

[Dena]

Transitioning need not be an all or nothing affair. You can work on defining your images and doing therapy without ever going public. If you find you feel better in girl mode, then you move to full time. Should you find you are more uncomfortable. Then you also have an answer. I did part time for a while before going full time because I wanted to grown my hair and get my face cleaned up before going full time. In my case, when the time came to go full time, there was no question in my mind even though I knew my first activity as a woman would be job hunting. You will never know the answer unless you try and I hope you do.

And by the way, when I was leaving my second therapist, he said he thought I looked to masculine to be a woman. It's a good thing I listen to my heart instead of him.

[Releca]

ashawobbles you know I've been debating if I were the last 5 years and I'm now 32 and the best advice I could really provide as to do what makes you feel happy because in the end that's who is important at the end of the day is you feeling happy with yourself then you will be truly happy. If you're not happy with how you look and feel then you know it doesn't matter what everyone else thinks I'm that point because you will just end up more saddened that you didn't do something sooner.