Hello everyone, for the time being you can just call me M.
I'm a twenty-four year old MTF who has been self-transitioning and hasn't had therapy of any kind, back when I was younger. I've been using phytoestrogens(and believe me, I know I'm ripping myself off) as well as brain frequencies to try and stall off my body from developing a way I'd rather it not.
A little story.
Through my entire childhood I always desired to be a girl, I had some arguably boyish tendencies like playing video games, and watching SOME shows aimed toward little boys but on the same hand I watched shows aimed toward girls, it's complicated. I played with dolls, I loved playing house and I'd even make my action figures and my sister's dolls interact and well.. pretend peaceful scenarios, where my action figures normally lived violent ones. My sisters watched a lot of Jerry Springer and often I'd see the transsexuals on that show being ridiculed, it made me uneasy and scared to admit my feelings.. So I started doing everything in secret. I never was caught, until my father one day caught me pretending to be a girl online and broke my monitor screaming at me that I'm a sick pervert. My father's anger scared me, especially since my father was virtually a giant to me. My father brought me to my mother and had me explain myself... I was scared out of my wit's end.
"Do you wear girl's clothing when we're not here?" My heart beat, it beat fairly hard and I wanted to scream yes but the look of anger in my father's eyes and disappointment in my mother's made me hesitate.. with extreme hesitation I muttered.. "no.." My mother asked me .. "Why.. did you do this then?" ... I was scared, I felt their eyes glaring me down and I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. I hesitated to state.. "I.. I like boys." This was only part of the truth, my parents seemed to reject the concept at first but opened up toward me being gay... but it all felt horribly wrong, I wanted to go back and correct myself but the damage was done... but seeing as my oldest sister got kicked out of the house around this time, I was really scared.
I started to look up things on how to sound more feminine, practicing and training my voice became my goal.. but I did this when my parents weren't around. I lost my friends mostly cause they thought I was weird and a total fake. I was that kid that no one wanted anything to do with, the weirdo. The only friends I had were these two extremely violent boys who picked on me for being too girly and it didn't make me feel so well, but this was the life my parents wanted me to have.. or it felt like. After they moved away I faced my parents again and told them.. "I want to be a girl." They didn't react well. "You told us you were gay..." I told them.. "I lied. I was scared." Rejected by my own parents, my oldest sister who was now settled down with a husband offered to take me in and get me help.. whereas my father wanted me put into bootcamp. Immediately.
Flying down to another state was a terrifying experience, especially since at this time I was trying to grow out my hair and people shot me all kinds of dirty looks, I was that grungy kid with a constant angered expression. When I finally got there my sister welcomed me with open arms and I for the most part was quiet, I did the house work she didn't want to do. School started and I was wondering when I was going to see a therapist, after about half way through the year I started seeing the school councilor who I was recommended to see by my teachers. I told her everything about me, from my feelings of wanting to be a girl to how I suppressed my feelings in order to live a remotely normal life and it led to me hating myself. She broke the news to me that as much as she wished she could help, I need to see a therapist. She said she'd give my sister a call and recommend some to me, but I never heard more of that. A bit after hearing that depressing news my boyfriend at the time was cheating on me with a girl that was one of my closer friends, and the whole reasoning is. "She's actually a girl, you're not." It made me feel even more like dirt.
I became suicidal, I started cutting myself and hating myself.. I stared at the dresses and cute clothes I snuck with me on the trip and tried to wear them to make myself feel better.. my older sister stormed in and screamed at me asking me what I thought I was doing, I don't look like a girl at all.. I just look like a freak. The words hurt and they completely crushed me. Eventually I found out my sister was using me as a way to get money from my parents, the treatment toward me started to also transition, but into abuse. After having the first call in awhile with my mom I told her flat out, I want to go back. She was confused but paid for my flight back, there my other sister who was now pregnant would constantly put me down and make me feel like I had to be a man.
Going to now my parents may be respective of my chosen name, my identity and gender.. but they haven't been very cooperative in helping me get through transition, I don't exactly have any friends due to frequent moving and with how much I hid myself.
I'm admittedly a recluse and because of forcing myself to transition at a fairy early age(17) by sneaking supplements, listening to these frequencies and taking these phytoestrogens, or herbal products I became extremely isolated and became discouraged from completing anything that would make me known to the world as a man, which for the longest time I thought was an advantage because my family seemed to be supportive of me.. Key word is seemed. Although they respect my proper gender, pronouns and preferred name they have not been too supportive of helping me along the path. I've been slowly trudging my way through this path by myself and now I'm finally to a point where I'm seeking out a therapist to get assessed with Gender Dysphoria and start HRT.. However, with the fact of the location I live at being a problem and the fact I'm still with somewhat unsupportive parents.. it raises some complications.
That being said, pleasure to meet all you men, ladies and everyone in general.
