Dating conundrums

[Obfuskatie]

Soooo, I've been going out on dates recently, some of y'all may remember my disclosure thread a while ago. And now I'm pretty happy and excited, as I've had some success. And I'm probably over thinking things again...but...
Does it make me a bad person to continue dating a guy I don't like as much as he likes me? I don't mean I've been leading him on or whatever, we just started dating. I know he lacks a lot of confidence and I don't know how to be gentle to guys' feelings. He's an ok kisser, but part of me was just so happy to be kissed and wanted like that. I guess I'm used to guys not being that into me because reasons? Or maybe I'm being shallow? Blarg I'm so confused...
I'm not even sure if I should tell any of the guys I've started to go out with about how I've been casually dating more than one guy at a time until I find boyfriend material. I feel like a bitch for putting it that way, but that's how I feel. I enjoy meeting new people, but I'm worried I might end up stepping all over someone's feelings...
And then there's the chivalry stuff where the guy insists on paying, which is nice but leaves me feeling obligated or something. Any of you girls have advice for dating guys?
Do guys think if you put forth a significant effort to dress up and wear makeup that it's because you are into them specifically? Cause I just want to look good so I don't feel self conscious about my appearance. Although I have done one date without makeup since we were going rock climbing and sweaty makeup is gross...
I agreed to a second date to date #2 and #3 this week, and I'm going out with #4 tomorrow... I need y'all's outside perspective. I only kissed #3 so far, and I'm pretty sure #1's first date with me is also the last date, and I haven't fallen into bed with any of them or anything...sigh...
And now I'm having qualms about posting this...


     Hugs,
- Katie
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[Ms Grace]

Hey, dating's a minefield. As long as you stay safe and fun there's no harm. Just don't get in over your head, some guys can think you're leading them on and that's when it might get tricky, especially if you're not as into them as they think.

Anyway, hope you find a great guy!!

[Obfuskatie]

Hey, dating's a minefield. As long as you stay safe and fun there's no harm. Just don't get in over your head, some guys can think you're leading them on and that's when it might get tricky, especially if you're not as into them as they think.

Anyway, hope you find a great guy!!

Somehow I feel like I'm already in over my head. But maybe it's just because I'm so busy with school and transition stuff and friends...


     Hugs,
- Katie
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[suzifrommd]

Every relationship is uneven - in every couple there is someone who is slightly less invested in the relationship than the other.

My dating philosophy is "one date at a time." If I'm having a good enough time and enjoy being with this person, I'll go out again. Otherwise not. Everything else becomes clearer as I get to know them.

As for the guy paying, I'd follow his lead. If he wants to pay, let him pay. If he's more of an equal rights sort, jump in and pay your half without making a big deal. It isn't.

As far as being obligated, in general guys want to score. They'll look for signs that you want to score with them, and accepting meals from them can be taken as a sign. Flirting, or even accepting a third or fourth date can also be seen as a sign. Any guy that thinks you're obligated for any reason deserves an economy class ticket out of your life.

Does this help?

[Obfuskatie]

Lol, yeah. It helps. It's very different from my less than stellar past experience trying to be the guy in the equation. I never really thought about the whole every relationship being uneven, but it makes sense. Plus it takes me time to really get to know people and get invested anyway. And I like the one date at a time thing, I guess I just felt weird dating multiple guys even though they're just first dates at the moment.
Maybe it's partly because I associated a lot more awkwardness with my dating before transition that it's new being comfortable (for the most part) in my role during the date. Being able to read signals is new too. Being treated to some seriously good sushi for dinner is awesome  ;-)

     Hugs,
- Katie
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[DrummerGirl]

Obfuskatie, I've been struggling with those exact same issues since I started dating a couple of months ago.  It seems like I spend as much time in introspection as I do dating.   I have way more people wanting to date me than I know what to do with, but sadly no one that I'm really interested in as I'm kind of picky.

I run into your unbalanced attraction conundrum with almost every person I date.  I feel kind of morally queasy about continuing to date people that I know I would have very little connection with in the long term.  I usually end things right there, though I will give some of them a second chance if our preliminary email conversations went really well and they seemed so nervous on our first date that they didn't seem like they were being themselves.

When you make decisions, always keep this in mind: if people find you attractive enough that you are able to date 4 people at the same time, you should have no problem finding more people to date.  Never forget that when you are a woman dating a guy, you are ultimately in control.  Yes, even with the super hot and super rich guys.

One easy way to get out of any implied obligations is to offer to pay half if the guy offers to buy.  If they continue to insist, accept and offer to pay on the next date.  By that time, you should be able to tell if they are simply old fashioned or are paying with strings attached.

I make an extra effort to look good on dates for my own self-confidence and self-image.  Honestly, I don't think most guys notice the effort and simply gauge the final result.

I would love to talk to you more about this subject, but I would feel morally uneasy going into additional detail on a public forum.  If you are interested, feel free to send me a PM.

[thuggishdoll]

Just go with the flow I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 6 months which sadly, is my longest relationship. but then again I'm only 19 lol. Paying is only a must in the first beginning dates.

[Obfuskatie]

Just go with the flow I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 6 months which sadly, is my longest relationship. but then again I'm only 19 lol. Paying is only a must in the first beginning dates.

You're probably right. I do tend to overthink things.


     Hugs,
- Katie
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[abd789]

This is my fear, I have been craving the attention of a man lately. But I dont want to choose wrong ones because I feel I am needy and less of a person for being trans. I had enough dating, relationship, marriage problems as a man and dont want to repeat any of those as a woman.

I think its super important to find our self worth and be solid or we may end up with worse problems than in our previous life

I may be rambling, but wanted to comment

as you said I also expect to be inundated with attention if/when I decide to "go on the market"   but avoiding the problems scares me

[Obfuskatie]

This is my fear, I have been craving the attention of a man lately. But I dont want to choose wrong ones because I feel I am needy and less of a person for being trans. I had enough dating, relationship, marriage problems as a man and dont want to repeat any of those as a woman.

I think its super important to find our self worth and be solid or we may end up with worse problems than in our previous life

I may be rambling, but wanted to comment

as you said I also expect to be inundated with attention if/when I decide to "go on the market"   but avoiding the problems scares me

As problems go, it's way nicer than an abusive ex and burgeoning agoraphobia. At least that's where I was a year ago before I found a good therapist and figured out how to talk about the bad stuff I've been through. Still, dating again is fun albeit nerve-wracking at times. It's weird, but getting to the place where I trust my own judgement and instincts has been harder than my trans issues/baggage.

This weeks dating update/roundup:
#0: Guy from previous weeks bailed again on tentative plans, so he's out.
#1: Friend material, hot/athletic friend material, I liked him but he was either too shy or not that into me. I'm guessing the latter.
#2: nice guy, good looking, put together, well dressed, has money, but a bit distant for a first date that started off well. Something was off, my guess is he is cheating, but I don't know or have any particular reasons pointing to it.
#3: Very nice guy that is a little weird but sweet. Has a Mohawk, a great job, a lot of things in common with me, is a bit shorter than me, and slightly overweight. His lack of confidence is problematic. I'm not sure about him yet.
#4: kind, very tall, fit and funny. A bit more self deprecating than I like, but has a pretty good attitude mostly. Not the best job, but he is fun to spend time with.

Do guys have a go to formula for first dates? #2 through #4 want to go out again, I just have this feeling #3 is going to get way too serious too fast. Is it just me or do particular kinds of guys drive differently? It kinda seems like a window into their personality sometimes... I seriously wish I understood guys better...

     Hugs,
- Katie
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[suzifrommd]

Do guys have a go to formula for first dates?

Dunno. I've been on dates with five guys since my GRS and none of them have gone out on a second date with me (though two made dates they broke or didn't show up for and another two tried to convince me to sleep with them).

[liz]

Well, different type of guy usualy have different needs. Those who lack self confidance usualy stick to you and become dependent of you.

Most of the time, they have a prebuilt plan for their dates but well we girls have one too lol. They usualy follow the same pattern for most of their dates. You can't put every men in the same boat, but the first date is usualy a "tell me what you want and what you are ready to do" if you do not fit or do not let them know clearly, there wont be a second date (remember that they're men and most of them don't read between the lines).

I like to make them feel uncomfortable on first date, then if I got a second turn it's because they wanted it hard enought.

[Obfuskatie]

Well, different type of guy usualy have different needs. Those who lack self confidance usualy stick to you and become dependent of you.

Most of the time, they have a prebuilt plan for their dates but well we girls have one too lol. They usualy follow the same pattern for most of their dates. You can't put every men in the same boat, but the first date is usualy a "tell me what you want and what you are ready to do" if you do not fit or do not let them know clearly, there wont be a second date (remember that they're men and most of them don't read between the lines).

I like to make them feel uncomfortable on first date, then if I got a second turn it's because they wanted it hard enought.

Lol, I don't think I could do that. I get tense if I feel discomfort wafting in the ether.


     Hugs,
- Katie
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[Obfuskatie]

Dunno. I've been on dates with five guys since my GRS and none of them have gone out on a second date with me (though two made dates they broke or didn't show up for and another two tried to convince me to sleep with them).

In a sexy or creepy way? If they were charming I think that'd be a plus ;-)


     Hugs,
- Katie
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[suzifrommd]

In a sexy or creepy way? If they were charming I think that'd be a plus ;-)

Really neither sexy nor creepy. More like, they decided I wasn't worth a relationship, so they propositioned me hoping to get "something" out of it. They weren't insulting, but they were inappropriately graphic.

[Obfuskatie]

Really neither sexy nor creepy. More like, they decided I wasn't worth a relationship, so they propositioned me hoping to get "something" out of it. They weren't insulting, but they were inappropriately graphic.

Hmph, that's kinda disappointing. I've never been able to separate emotions from sex like some guys can apparently. I hope the next person you find turns out better than the previous ones. ;-)


     Hugs,
- Katie
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