I was successful before. I drove myself incessantly to learn and work hard in a futile attempt to get the thoughts out of my head. As for self image, I had absoulutely none. I mean, I was a fine looking "gent" but I felt in the midst of a pit of guilt and self pity. My church (LDS or Mormon) considered this, in my case, a sin second only to murder. Yes that is what my excommunication papers say. As a cultist member, I truly believed it all.
So next to the suicidal depression that the dysphoria created, I had the suicidal guilt of religious damnation hanging over my head. I became self destructive. I didn't use drugs or alcohol. Rather, I pushed myself too hard in the attempt to comply to the set standard. In fact, I told a prominent church leader while I was serving a mission in Chile about my problems and he advised me to finish my two year stint and go home to my sweetie, get married, and have kids. I followed his advice and it only got worse.
That doesn't mean that the road bumps in life don't bring me down. I've faced a major roadblock to happiness this past year. I'm pulling through it.
HRT did absolutely nothing for me physically or mentally. That happens. It also made my change that much more difficult. However, with all that said, I've never looked back and my life is much better. I am self assured, confident, and generally considered a nice person to hang with. I gain good solid friends wherever I go (a couple I met here along with other "normal" people) and I always keep in touch.
Cindi
