Approaching the subject again with my mother...

[seveneleven]

So I came out to my mother back in March and she didn't react very well, tried to sweep it under the carpet because she was uncomfortable with it, so I want to approach the subject again as I'm wanting to come out to the rest of my family soon so I have prepared another letter, would someone mind having a look at it and telling me if it's ok or if anything needs to be changed, sorry it's kinda long

I said I'd do this this way cos I'm not very good with words and you'll probably just start a row half way through and interrupt me, so this way I don't get interrupted... When I came out to you back in March, it wasn't some sort of joke, this isn't some sort of phase I'm going through, I've finally found a way to describe how I have felt my whole life! If you stop being so negative for a few minutes and think back, you'll see it explains a lot about me in my life. I have always wanted to be treated as one of the boys, I can even recall saying that I wished I was born a boy a few times, when playing mammy and daddy type games I was always the daddy or I wasn't playing, at Christmas I was kinda jealous over the boys getting male things and I not and eventually you started buying me action men, playing games in school I was nearly always part of the boys group, I'm sure there are many more examples that you can probably think of which I can't, but nevertheless all the signs were there I'm sure you probably noticed them. So for you to react the way you did is disgusting, you thought you could just brush it off as if it were nothing, not taking my feelings in to consideration at all, all you care about is what society thinks, why bother having children if you're not prepared to accept them for who they are, I'm not some sort of doll for you to toy around with I am a human being and I have my own life to live and my own happiness to fulfil, cos I know what you're going to ask "can you not just do this for me", and the answer is no, I've spent my whole life pleasing you, I'm not a 13 year old child anymore that you can threaten with this and that like you did when you made my life hell for years after you found out about my sexuality. I know what you were thinking, if you didn't mention it or discuss it with me that it would just go away, well it's not going to, I'm a grown person and I want to be happy and this is going to happen with or without you. I would love to have your support, I realize this is hard and you have said you're uncomfortable with it and out of respect I have not mentioned it, but I've slowly tried to ease you in subtly: ditching my handbag and getting a wallet, cutting my hair up (which I know I did a few weeks before I told you but still), buying men's clothes (which I had always done, but you seem more against it since I came out to you...), men's deodorant (which was in my room for 4 months, then I go to buy my 3rd bottle and you happen to be with me and just stand there with your mouth wide open staring at me and question why I bought out of the men's section and then call me stupid), but the only reason you're uncomfortable is because you don't understand what it is to be transgender, there is a wide range of information available on the internet so just look it up. I am the exact same person I have always been, I have always identified as male more so than female and you know that deep down which is why I was shocked by your reaction back in March, like you could have just said that you always kinda knew or something but instead you tell me you've discussed it with your lesbian friend and basically try to tell me that I'm confused and you don't know what to do for me... All I ask is you think through all this, take as much time as you need, I know it'll take time to take it all in and if you choose to support me it'll take time getting used to the whole adjustment but I'm the exact same person I have always been, I just want to be me.

does it sound ok? I know I kinda got angry which probably isn't good but it'll kinda hit home with her if yano what i mean...

[Dena]

It sound good to me but put it down for a few days and then reread it to make sure it says all you want to say. The nature of this letter is you have points you want to make and we may not be sure you included all of them. Only you can be the judge of that. Good luck with your letter.

[Mariah]

I agree with Dena, I think it's good. I'm not sure I would have used the word disgusting, but what is important is it's from your heart and because of that I think you did great. Hugs
Mariah

[Rachel]

I think you letter expresses how you feel which appears to me to be angry with and hurt by your parents and at the same time explaining how you are trans and what you are going to do, with or without them. You may want to separate out in paragraphs to the distant past, what happened in March and the future. Good luck.

[Venus]

So I came out to my mother [...] and she didn't react very well, tried to sweep it under the carpet because she was uncomfortable with it

Yeah, honestly I don't think I'm ever going to really be able to have a conversation with my mother about it. She's the same way. I think it'd be more productive to take her along to a transgender therapy session, and/or maybe send her to a transgender support group. I think she could sure use it a heck of a lot more than me, hahaha. 

[Sarah82]

I hope you don't mind but I've made some changes to the format, a big wall of text can be disconcerting and put someone off reading a letter.
I've also made a few wording changes and underlined some things you may want to rewrite later, and please know that what I say next is objective and not meant as a criticism of you or a chastisement, while aggression can be considered a tool in a discussion it can also close your audience off from the ideas you are trying to convey.

I said I'd do this this way cos I'm not very good with
words and this will allow me to explain everything...

When I came out to you back in March, it wasn't some sort of joke, this isn't some sort of phase I'm going through, I've finally found a way to describe how I have felt my whole life!
If you think back you'll see it explains a lot about me in my life. I have always wanted to be treated as one of the boys, I can even recall saying that I wished I was born a boy a few times, when playing mammy and daddy type games I was always the daddy or I wasn't playing, at Christmas I was kinda jealous over the boys getting male things and I not and eventually you started buying me action men, playing games in school I was nearly always part of the boys group, I'm sure there are many more examples that you can probably think of which I can't, but nevertheless all the signs were there I'm sure you probably noticed them.

So for you to react the way you did is disappointing, you thought you could just brush it off as if it were nothing, not taking my feelings in to consideration at all, all you care about is what society thinks, why bother having children if you're not prepared to accept them for who they are, I'm not some sort of doll for you to toy around with I am a human being and I have my own life to live and my own happiness to fulfil.
Cos I know what you're going to ask "can you not just do this for me", and the answer is no, I've spent my whole life pleasing you, I'm not a 13 year old child anymore that you can threaten with this and that like you did when you made my life hell for years after you found out about my sexuality.
I know what you were thinking, if you didn't mention it or discuss it with me that it would just go away, well it's not going to, I'm a grown person and I want to be happy and this is going to happen with or without you. I would love to have your support, I realize this is hard and you have said you're uncomfortable with it and out of respect I have not mentioned it.
I've slowly tried to exptess myself subtly: ditching my handbag and getting a wallet, cutting my hair up (which I know I did a few weeks before I told you but still), buying men's clothes (which I had always done, but you seem more against it since I came out to you...), men's deodorant (which was in my room for 4 months, then I go to buy my 3rd bottle and you happen to be with me and just stand there with your mouth wide open staring at me and question why I bought out of the men's section and then call me stupid).
I know reason you're uncomfortable is because you don't understand, I want to help you understand please give me the chance. I am the exact same person I have always been, I have always identified as male more so than female and you know that deep down which is why I was shocked by your reaction back in March, like you could have just said that you always kinda knew or something but instead you tell me you've discussed it with your lesbian friend and basically try to tell me that I'm confused and you don't know what to do for me.
All I ask is you think through all this, take as much time as you need, I know it'll take time to take it all in and if you choose to support me it'll take time getting used to the whole adjustment but I'm the exact same person I have always been, I just want to be me.

I hope your mother comes to accept your transition.
Hugs,
Sarah

[Qrachel]

Hi -

Writing a letter is a good idea and you've gotten a suggestion to set it aside for awhile.  I second that.  I also suggest you break the letter into coherent paragraphs.  Finally, if you can and I hope you can, once the letter is final set it aside again then return to it and read as our mom might - are there areas where your dissatisfaction or irritation with her  will distract her from your purpose (her accepting your transition)?  Consider what's most important, letting her know you think she's been unhelpful or how important transitioning is to you and her for your future(s) to come.

The past is the past and is never going to change; it's the future you still have influence over.  So if you want, see if that perspective conveys your message in a more hopeful and loving way. Do what you think is best.

Good luck and keep us informed.

Rachel