Are my feelings wrong?

[Katelyn]

I know there are quite a bit of stories posted of people who are confused.  But many times their issue is obvious, like they are transsexual. 

I however feel more alone in the sense that I don't identify quite with any side.

I'm 25 years old and I started crossdressing since 12 and I loved to look feminine and seeing myself as female.  It started with my moms clothes and rapidly expanded since then, when I for a time escaped out of my house at the middle of the night, dressed, for the satisfaction of walking outside as a girl.  I started buying and hiding my own clothes.  I started having fantasies of everything from being a girl and growing breasts to having sex as a girl with a guy.  I've fantasized getting hormones and having a sex change as well.  I've for years worked on my voice alone (without buying TG voice tapes since I lived at home.)  I've always considered hormones, only to not take them because of fears of possible complications or unsureness since one gets technically castrated.

Thing is, I wouldn't consider myself anything like what most transsexuals describe themselves.  I've recognized my male self throughout my life.  But for some reason, much of the time I'm not interested much in my male side.  I feel somewhatlike I envy women and am more interested in being female and the female lifestyle, and its probably apparent when I go to a clothing store for instance and I could be hours in the womans section but I would find any excuse to leave the mens section (its been like that forever.)  My male side has been pretty unsuccessful as a male as a result (I've never had sex or a girlfriend, and I never developed muscles because I wanted to keep a more girlish figure) even though I'm technically straight. I like to see myself in the mirror as a girl, and I find it much more inspiring than my male side. 

I've been contemplating for years about having a sex change, but am still confused about my situation.  I don't feel like I'm bi-gendered, because I'd have a sex change if possible.  I don't feel like I'm transsexual because I never really felt like I was in the wrong body or in male mode, recognize myself as male (even if I don't like it much).  I don't feel like I'd be a transgenderist because I'd not think twice about replacing my penis for a vagina.  My fantasy is definitely to get up as a beautiful woman and live life like that.

But am I wrong?  Transsexuals are generally people who are in their condition not by choice.  But I feel like It may be my choice.  Is that wrong?  Are there other people like me?

[HelenW]

Of course not, Katelyn, your feelings aren't wrong.  They are just what they are.

I had questions like yours earlier in my life.  I can relate.  I guess for me I felt I was male because I was.  Male.  But not a man.  My physical sex was obvious, what was not so obvious to me was that the male body had a female psyche which wouldn't go away even after all the male conditioning and training that was applied.

I got through that by reading as much as I could about the experiences of various trans people and, most importantly, finding a therapist who specialized in gender issues.  With his help I was able to work through much of my confusion.  And after a short time on hormones, my reality was confirmed.

You can get help finding a therapist here: https://www.susans.org/Transitioning/Therapists/ or you can find listings on other sites as well.  I strongly suggest you find one and start seeing them.  In the meantime please use this site as a resource to help you figure out where you are and what you want to do about it.

Hugs & Smiles,
Emelye

[RebeccaFog]

   Emelye is right, it's best that you see a therapist or get counseling.  NOT because there is anything wrong with you, but to help you with the confusion.  It takes some people a little longer to figure out who they are.

   You dress secretly, so you don't really know if dressing publicly with others seeing you is going to feel right or not.  Maybe you can find a local support group where you can express yourself openly and get a feel for what you want.

   There is nothing wrong with you, however.  The world just wasn't designed for people like us to find ourselves as easily as it is for others.


Rebis

[Shana A]

I however feel more alone in the sense that I don't identify quite with any side.

Hi Katelyn

As you read through other peoples' posts at Susan's, you'll see there are many different ways to be trans... some are M2F or FTM TS, some are androgynes or bigendered, some are crossdressers. Within each of these, there are many diverse expressions. It can take each of us a lot of soul searching to discover which is the right way for us. Take your time, you'll figure it out.

y2gen

[Katelyn]

How about this:  Is it wrong for someone to seek transitioning and a sex change if they aren't in fact a textbook transsexual?  As in a textbook transsexual changes their sex not really by their own choice (more because they absolutely have to.)   I am not sure if I absolutely have to, but is it right if I simply want to?   I always feel like I'm between transsexuals and crossdressers. 

I've been out in public only in a Halloween party (in West Hollywood, CA) and it was great (I was even whistled at   )  Some guys liked how I looked, and I was flattered.  I've usually been too shy to go out in public in front of others, usually for the fear of not passing and because I have noone else that I know that can help me.

[Louise]

Hi Katelyn,

Welcome to Susan's.  This is a good place to share experiences with a wide variety of people who are transgendered.  But we are not a substitute for professional counseling.  If you think you want to go down the TS path then you need to find a good counselor. 

Who we are and what we feel is not a matter of choice.  What we do in response to our feelings is a matter of choice.  The feelings you describe are probably characteristic of most TG's.  I am an androgynous CD and I can say that I have had the same feelings as you and continue to do so.  I am in my 60's and have been married for many years, but there are many days when I wake up disappointed that I did not become the woman I dreamed of being.  But my gender dysphoria is not so strong that I would ever seriously consider going down the path of transition. 

And I would much rather shop in the women's section.  The styles and colors are so much more interesting.

[candifla]

Katelyn,

I thoroughly understand where you are. In fact, it was a few years ago that I was in the exact same position.

I have the same past as you and it was until my late discovery of hormones and people who have done the change that I realized that I too could complete my wish to be female.

So yes, for me, it is a choice. I lived a long time as a male, and did reasonably well (except in relationships), so once I made my discovery of the possibility of change... I made the choice to change.

I think people get confused when other trans people talk about not having a choice: transition or die... The fault lies in how the word choice is used.

If you decide to commit suicide or to transition, it's still a choice. Whatever we do or don't do is a choice. You can choose to live life as an unhappy male, or you can choose to alter your body to fit your mind.

Now if you are presented with two options: suicide or transition, most people would choose the latter and feel that it's not really a choice but a matter of self preservation. You can CHOOSE to hold your breath or you can choose to breathe, but realistically, to stay alive, you'd want to breathe.

My opinion is that some people make it out to be that they are naturally the opposite sex, and that others, like you, and perhaps me, choose to change. You can pretty much ignore that and just go by what you feel.

You'll know when you're ready (or never ready) to be female, male or andro. When the feeling comes, you'll know it, then you don't have a choice because you've made it and there's only the mechanics of going through the process to change.

in the end, it is a choice TO make the change, however, if you're female in mind and spirit, then it's not really a choice because, for your completeness, you'll want the body to match.

[RebeccaFog]

Yeah, what Candi said, but shorter. 

   You may very well be a TS, but rather than have the need to transition be imperative, maybe for you and others, it is a process by which it all falls into place piece by piece as you move through life.

  That sounds kind of cool.  A life long transition made at a slower than usual, but very natural, pace.  More like a metamorphosis of mind, spirit, and body.

[Katelyn]

^ Yeah but then I miss my prime years

One of the reasons I asked this is also because politically, this is what has been helping the transgendered movement, that people recognize the hardships that transsexuals face in "being born in the wrong body", which is really great.  I've felt though that if one were to change sex without a full justification of "being born in the wrong body", that that would be chided and ridiculed by people who would be less sympathetic. 

One big deterrent for me as well has been my family, that'd I'd perhaps be entirely cut off from my family. My mom got hysterical when she knew that I crossdressed, and I only admitted to that, not even to much deeper issues (she's a conservative christian, so go figure.)

[Kate]

My fantasy is definitely to get up as a beautiful woman and live life like that. But am I wrong?

Nope, you're not wrong... it's just how you feel! It's great you're being honest with yourself.

But on a practical note, if you follow the Standards of Care, you'll need two letters of recommendation diagnosing you as a transsexual in order to get SRS... and that diagnosis requires a gender identity as female. There's certainly nothing wrong with having a fantasy to live as a beautiful woman, but they probably won't see that being the same thing as identifying as one.

I've felt though that if one were to change sex without a full justification of "being born in the wrong body", that that would be chided and ridiculed by people who would be less sympathetic.

You can't please everyone, lol. Even the classic "being born in the wrong body" narrative isn't accepted by some people out there - they think we're just mentally ill and deluded. The main thing is YOU need to be comfortable with your "reasons" for doing whatever it is you need to do.

I've always considered hormones, only to not take them because of fears of possible complications or unsureness since one gets technically castrated.

You feel differently about being castrated through SRS though?

Are there other people like me?

Sure! I chat with a couple people who feel as you do. It's not so uncommon, as there's a LOT of diversity and variety out there. You're not alone at all.

~Kate~

[evelynaGR]

U r not alone: D

Its like read my thoughts 20 years before!!!!

Don't panic and as other ladies said go to a therapist is the best thing to do.

(Something I don't and that was...MY MISTAKE!!!).

Anyway my advise is (as an middle age person): you can live a beautiful life in any case, enjoy the feminine moments and be as you like and feel in the outside world.

[Katelyn]

Thank you to everyone for your comments.  I've actually lurked on this board for a long time but only posted once long ago under a different name when I confessed crossdressing to my mom.  Its nice to talk to some of you after only seeing your comments for a long while on this forum.

I'm in such confusion also probably because I never felt the freedom to express myself in public beyond conservative measures.  Before I started crossdressing at age 12, I repressed myself for several years since age 7 after I was in an incident where I acted instinctively like a girl, and was punished by it with laughter and teasing by other kids.  Even since then, I've never felt the freedom to express myself in ways that would be possibly controversial or attention getting.  Sometimes I don't really know if my maleness is really a facade, and I don't know the real me because much of myself has been constructed through repression, self repression, ideals constructed as a reaction to fears, and trauma as a result of bad things happening to me throughout my life and being emotionally sensitive at the same time.  I've tried to repress my emotional sensitivity since young, but it doesn't last and sometimes I wish I had somebody to cry with.

Recently, I've tried to get help in on a related issue because I've for two years have had a lot of confusion about what to do in my life, and the transgendered issue has come down in the middle of it and I can't tell it to anyone else who I seek advice.  It feels like a dark secret that I can't tell others, and I wish I can at least have the opportunity to live as a woman to see if I am really transsexual or not, so I can know whether it is worth it to risk getting cut off from my family members and possibly friends  (actually sometimes like now I feel like running far away from my parents and living on my own and putting myself on estrogen and anti-androgen pills.)

I would really love it to meet other tg people and finally be able to interact with the community, including outside of the internet as well, if anyone here lives in the Los Angeles area.