Just pouring my heart out a little about life and change.

[Dodie]

Hey girls..
First I apologize, wish I could be more involved with helping others here on Susan's... I have been so busy with work I can barely breath.. its a good thing I suppose but work is not everything in life and I wish I could slow down.

There are so many thoughts running through my head right now.  It really does seem like yesterday that I took my first pill and started HRT.  Now I have been full time almost 9 months.

Its strange really, to be a woman now with no way to go back and I have not even had GRS yet.  Even if I could go back I would not do it but I miss my old cool self and so do so many others.
Its funny, I can brag about my old self since I am not him anymore.. He was amazing, kind of guy who would light up the room, never go unnoticed for sure and everyone thought I was special.
Funny thing is I did not think I was special until now.. now I realize how bigger than life I was as a dude.  I am in sales, I did not even try that hard and built a business. I had an amazing way with people.. My ex used to say that but with my GID I never thought so... in fact I never smiled in pictures, hated the way I looked..
As a man I was so happy with so many things in my life especially my lovely wife.  She was my soul mate...my everything.. and I was her everything.
To be who I am today I gave up a precious marriage..  The perfect woman.  Oh how we love each other still today.
Over the years I think I knew the clock was ticking.. it was like knowing I am going to die soon... not realizing it was the male part of me that would die. I just was giving up on life but I was a fighter but the fighter was getting so tired.
I raised two kids and had a successful marriage but I was lying to myself.  I had to .. just to survive.
I could have never predicted that my GID would take me down so hard.
I so believe in the standards of care for transgender people.  A decision like this can not be taken lightly, you must get the proper therapy and even then its hard, so hard.
Transition for me was easy compared to most, I work from home, have an income and support of my entire family.
With all of that buckets of tears flowed the last 20 months.
I went from wanting to end it all because I knew I was losing my wife, knew I had to move out, that our relationship would change forever to accepting myself for who I really am, loving myself for the first time for who I am, not being the best business person or being the best in sports to make myself feel like someone..
Now, with my ex dating and on an overnight date tonight I am at peace.. I must admit, her going out stings, it hurts, I feel tears nearly falling even now thinking about it.. but I am a woman.. I know I am and I know I have to accept my new future.
So, no pain no gain could not be more true with transition.  To emerge from the ashes of a fall to being ones self is truly amazing.
So, I sit here alone tonight.  You see my ex and I are living together again as best friends forever.  She dates and I wait for my turn after GRS.
Yes, I like men for sure... UGH!  But I always really did but since I did not have a female body would not act on it. How is that for honesty.. never thought I would admit that but I always was a woman and for me that meant I wanted to be with a man.  You see, whats a girl to do in a boy body???  I sure did not want to have sex with a guy with a guy body. Interesting how we cope isn't it.. Of course really I had no idea what was wrong with me.. who did in the 60's and 70's.... I just tried to be the man I was supposed to be.. according to the rules of life right?

The other day, while on vacation in Colorado, a short one, I realized I had not told the kids I grew up with that lived next door to me.  We were all so close.. we lived next door to them until I was 15. We were all so close, their mother was like June on Leave it to Beaver.. I swear it was just like that..
They had six kids... Catholic of course lol..  Anyway, its sad but only three are alive today.. the oldest died of a heart attack in his early 40's, the youngest and second youngest both died of brain cancer.
The remaining kids, three of them, two boys and a girl.. are ok.. but the boys suffer from heart issues.. seems only the remaining girl is in perfect help which brings me to my point.
I contacted her via a facebook message and invited her to my new page.  I told her to read my bio and gave her a short history and said I was sorry for not telling them sooner.
I did not hear for days then suddenly I got a message, give me your number, I need to call you!!!
She did and we talked and cried for an hour on the phone.  She had told the boys and they all wanted me to know they love me and have their full love and support.
We all plan to get together soon.  You see, she knows what its like to lose three siblings, even though a devout Catholic, she said life is too short not to love the ones around you, she is happy I became who I always was.
Then kidded me about growing old together as women.... LOL
So there you have it.. another ramble from be.. just life as it is... hard, easy, happy and sad.. but mostly so happy to be on this wonderful world!! Life is a gift....never forget that.. no matter how hard it is don't let anyone take that gift from you
Love
Keri  AKA Dodie

[Rachel]

Hi Keri,

Thank you for sharing a glimpse of your current life. I think it adds an important perspective. The end of some things and the beginning of some new.

[Dena]

Don't worry about not spending time on Susan's. You still have a good deal going on in your life and that is more important right now. Latter when life slows down, there will be plenty of time for you to come back if you want. I had about 30 years where I was out of the community living life but my life but that changed with the death of my roommate which brought me to Susan's through an indirect route. It's funny because in my time on Susan's I am only watching 2 or 3 hours of tv a week at the most. I think maybe I should convert the 47 inch TV into a monitor and get some use out of it.

[Mariah]

Keri, no worries post when you can. It's amazing to hear more about your journey and everything on in your life. It's so very true we lose some things and gain others. Hugs
Mariah

[Christine Eryn]

Even if I could go back I would not do it but I miss my old cool self and so do so many others.
Its funny, I can brag about my old self since I am not him anymore.. He was amazing, kind of guy who would light up the room, never go unnoticed for sure and everyone thought I was special.
Funny thing is I did not think I was special until now.. now I realize how bigger than life I was as a dude.

I recently have felt this exact same way! Over the past year I have passed a few key points of no return. My former self was so different in many ways, it doesn't even seem like it's me when I look at pictures or see movies of me. I could do things I'll never be able to do ever again. I used to play a lot of hoops and I am now amazed by the amount of air and hangtime I could get and how strong my dunks were. HRT has wittled me down to a slender lady and has even made me shorter but I wouldn't have it any other way!

[katrinaw]

So inspirational and depth of insight... what can I say... 60's and 70's... 50's were crap too...

Thanks for sharing both the good and sad moments xx

L Katy xxx

[suzifrommd]

Hugs, Keri. There is so much you wrote that I relate to. I also gave up a marriage to be myself. I was nowhere near as cool a guy as you were, but I was attractive and had reasonable success with women before I got married. Now, there is basically no interest.

A lot of the time we lose sight of what we've given up. Thanks for having the courage to bring this up.

[Harley Quinn]

That was extremely moving. Thank you for sharing Keri.

[Ameilia Pond]

I am also building a new relationship with my ex wife, who I do adore and love. She has an active dating life and it hurt at first, even when I tried to be cool with it, but it will never quite go away.

But for now, I work on becoming the woman I want to be and somewhere out there, is a woman who will want to grow old with me. Maybe take over the world.

Who knows.

[Dodie]

Hey Girls thanks for the replies.. they are heartfelt and seems we are all in the same boat in many ways.

Fall is in the air in OKC.. feels good, brings on many memories though... For me I seem to be so happy and looking forward to life, the State Fair is coming, football, Holidays.. all things I still look forward to.
For my ex though its all sad because she misses me, that is when I get down, seeing her unhappy, someone I loved and protected for so long.. I so wish she would get better ... she is in Therapy and it seems to help.
I know the health professionals know the costs we pay to be ourselves.  Its the general public that has no idea what we go through.
I truly believe if someone is Trans and young they should transition and not wait.  Its a shame how some never get to until later... like me over pride and fear.  Of course I would not have my amazing family had I transitioned earlier.. I have no regrets at this point at all.. I am a lucky human just praying for my ex to find peace.. She deserved a life long partner.. I sure tried to be for 32 years.. but at least she does have a life long friend and more than that.
Take care have a great week and love all my sisters.
Keri