Fear of being publicly out

[Sammym]

There has been a small thorn in my side for a while which I have not been able to get past.

I'm not out to everyone about being trans. Or being a lesbian for that matter. Friends who are still with me from pre transition obviously know. But anyone since, I've not let on. And well, I'm lucky enough to pass well enough.

I really do respect guys and girls who are publicly out online. I think it takes a huge amount of courage to put yourself out there given the amount of transphobia and discrimination around. As immoral and illegal as it is, it happens. And this fear I have really is all about transphobia and discrimination.

I'm certainly past worrying about what people think of me, whether they know my past or not. I just don't care... I'm here, human, female, and I'm going to be myself, for myself. But discrimination is real. I've been the victim of it in the company I was working for when I transitioned. It was horrible, and people were heartless. The company publicly promotes diversity and inclusion, but there are monsters working at every level. Eventually I was forced to quit, or face dismissal over fabricated evidence and accusations. So I quit, and had another job in days. Except the new employer doesn't know past.

And thats where I'm at. I want to feel free to be out publicly, but don't. And being that I'll be looking for a new job next year, I'm again worried about a discriminating workplace.

How did othees get past this worry?

[iKate]

I live and work where laws are good so I don't worry about that aspect. Some people know, I just don't care but I don't go around telling people.

True deep stealth is not really easy because someone can look you up. Especially if your name change was published in a newspaper.

What state is this?

[suzifrommd]

How did othees get past this worry?

I developed pride in being trans. We endure things other people don't. We see all sides of the gendered world whereas other people see only half. We conquer obstacles others don't face.

I hold my head high, showing the world the proud face of transgender.

[Sammym]

I live and work where laws are good so I don't worry about that aspect. Some people know, I just don't care but I don't go around telling people.

True deep stealth is not really easy because someone can look you up. Especially if your name change was published in a newspaper.

What state is this?

There's nothing wrong with the laws. But laws don't prevent some truly aweful people from being discriminatory. It just means they're careful not to do anything outwardly illegal, or anything easy to prove.

I could have fought what was happening to me, I did have allies, but the cost it was having on me was just too great. It was making me cry, keeping me up at night etc. And at the end of the day, I didn't want to work with those ->-bleeped-<-s.

And I don't want to be stealth. I kinda want to be out and proud on the off chance my strength can do some good for other Transgender people. Just not at the cost of a career which I sorely need.

[Kylo]

I don't intend to be publicly out.  As you say, not because of fear but because it reduces potential problems with discrimination. The goal is to pass, to be called a man (in my case) and not a trans man, etc. If the first two are checked, there's no need to mention the third.

I'm out to people I know from online communities etc. but IRL I don't intend to inform anybody about it unless there's a real good reason.

[FTMDiaries]

I'm out at work, but that's only because I've transitioned on the job. But I try to be as stealth as possible wherever I can, and I'm definitely going stealth at my next job.

There's one simple reason for this: there are a lot of cool people out there who just accept the fact that I'm trans and treat me like the normal human being I am... but there are a heck of a lot of people out there who choose to 'other' trans people. You can see it in their faces: as soon as they know you're trans, they look at you differently and speak to you differently. You can see curiousity in their eyes; you can hear the slight mockery in their tone of voice; you can detect their patronising choice of words. It's almost like they believe you're deluded an they're just humouring you because even though they 'know' you're wrong they don't want to start an argument. And don't get me started about perfect strangers asking me about my genitalia or how I have sex...  (the answer to that last question is: fabulously!  ).

I call it the Jerry Springer Effect: for many cis people, their only exposure to trans people has been on shock TV shows like Springer, where he gets cheap laughs by getting women to confess to their boyfriends that they're 'really a dude!', to howls of derisive laughter from the audience. That's the sort of narrative they've seen, so that's the only way they know how to behave when they meet a trans person IRL. Which is why they focus on 'the surgery' or whether our families have a problem with us.

I don't have time for people like that, and that kind of behaviour gets very tiresome, very quickly. To the point where I now get belligerent with people who think it's OK to wheel out the same old tropes.

Also, when companies are looking to hire or fire staff, they look for any reason to pick on you. They often get rid of people they consider to be 'troublemakers'. So if you're from an unpopular minority, they can target you for it if you don't have sufficient laws (and evidence!) to prevent them from doing so. And of course, they can (and do!) use it as a reason to not hire you, and there's nothing you can do about that if you can't prove it.

So yeah, I just want to be treated like a normal human being, but I've had a lot of experience of people treating me like some weird specimen as soon as I've revealed my trans status to them. In my opinion, society is not quite ready yet for us to be wholly out & proud in every environment, and the problem is due to other people being so ignorant. The narrative needs to change.

[Sammym]

The narrative needs to change.

Absolutely agree. It's a worry, especially when I see sexually diverse people receiving abuse. Never mind about gender diversity.

If I were religious, I probably pray a lot.  Since I'm not, guess I'll just wait.

[Kylo]

I don't think people should live in secrecy - in an ideal world we wouldn't have to. But I don't think everyone has to know this about us.

This quote by Garbo kind of resonated with me, even before I realized I was trans:

"There are many things in your heart you can never tell to another person. They are you, your private joys and sorrows, and you can never tell them. You cheapen yourself, the inside of yourself, when you tell them."

In some ways I think I can apply to this condition too. not everybody needs to know, not everybody will treat these private joys and sorrows of ours with any kind of respect. 

[warmbody28]

i stay in a county that has laws that should protect me. but.... they really dont. so what i did was I made sure i was in good with all the higher ups in the hospital. they all say ,"that nurse is such a sweetheart and does a good job with patient satisfaction." plus it helps that im very involved with hospital activities in the community outreach program. so what i would say is dont always depend on the laws, make your own way because they can always find a way to stack your file and fire you. one of my DONs cant stand me but cant fire me or write me up because i made sure the higher ups would have his bible thumping butt. and so you know just how southern our patients are I work in Gainesville FL and our patients come from the surrounding (very conservative) counties.

[KayMc]

I'm in MA, which is about as good as it gets for trans-friendly climate here in the US. And my younger sister came out MtF ten years ago - so heck, I already know my family is not going to detonate too much.

But it STILL scares the bejeezus out of me. I can totally relate. I'm not out at work, or to ex, or to kids, or to family...just a collection of friends and my fiancee. I'm working on it.