Exhausting

[November Fox]

I don't really have a certain point to make, but I just feel like I'd like to share this with people who go through the same thing. There's not that many transsexuals I know in real life and I don't want to be bothering them constantly, either.

Back when I had dysphoria without knowing what it was, it was exhausting, but now I know why I have dysphoria and for some reason that makes it more exhausting. It's constantly in the background. I can't relax a single moment, as I am constantly aware of my body, my body language, my voice...

When I go out as female (as which I was born) I'm disgusted by my body and when I go out male, I worry about others perceiving me as male (who have previously known me as female). I really feel like I need a year or two to just sleep through all of this as it's taking so much energy.

I'm coming out slowly, first to family and now individually to friends, sometimes triggering totally insensitive questions, as you well know, like "oh, you mean you're gonna build yourself into a man" (awkward translation of Dutch). I'm not a building...

I know all of you have to deal with pretty much the same exact thing. So this isn't news.
Just wanted to vent a little bit... 

[Dena]

If people only understood what it takes to transition. There is the depression, fear, many small details, work, time and money that all goes into making it happen. Honestly, I am not sure a CIS could handle it. 

[buttertly]

Men don't need that much sensitivity. They like kicking against the pricks, the constant fight.

You'll be right tiger.

[Ms Grace]

I understand how annoying it can be to be asked ignorant questions, but they generally do come from a place of genuinely not knowing what is involved. For the majority of people you tell most won't have thought about the issue let alone the process before you raised it with them. You however have had plenty of time so this is your opportunity to educate them. If you want people to be understanding of you, you also need to be understanding of them.

[November Fox]

I've felt like a boy/man my entire life, but I can't say I enjoy constantly fighting

I've dealt with PTSD for years - has now melted into a "more benign" anxiety around strangers - but I enjoyed none of the fight it took to overcome that. It might have made me tougher, in some ways, and in other ways it forced me to reconnect to my heart and face myself. Which are things that you also do when you transition, I believe.

Hmm... the person in question already had trans-friends, so I think he might have been more sensitive, but maybe he just wasn't very involved in their transition. This was also the first time I brought it up with him, so we'll probably get a chance to talk about it in more detail later on.

Thanks for listening, it's good to be heard 

[JoanneB]

Everyone in my group who did the part-time thing, as well as myself, found it to be emotionally draining. The So Close, Yet So Far. The having to change back to it. It takes a lot out of you. Most just reached the F'it point and went full-time because of the pain

[captains]

Definitely could have written your post. My brain is (topic appropriately) completely fried, so I'm afraid I haven't got any eloquent advice. Just wanted to drive by and say that it is exhausting and you're not alone.

[LizK]

I think you and I are at about the same point.I find it really hard at the moment as I have only just stopped fighting the Dysphoria and acknowledging when I have it. I don't believe I am at acceptance yet but it is all process I guess so I hear where you are coming from.....for me it's the standard "your a woman trapped in a mans body" usually said with a stupid grin on the face....

Family can be very difficult, they always seem to want evidence? What many don't understand is how very real our pain is. Hope you find some peace today...

Sarah T

[November Fox]

I have mostly body dysphoria (some social dysphoria but I can deal with that better), and while I've accepted why I have it, I still try to get rid of it every time by "fixing" all the things about me that cause it  - with a binder, stp etc...

Some times I feel like I should just try to be Zen and embrace the discomfort, but I'm not very good at that at all... my body is really good at making me feel threatened in my own (male) identity. Do you think it would be a good thing to try and embrace it, Sarah...?

I'm lucky where family is concerned I think, I have no contact with my parents to begin with, and everybody else has been very accepting.

[buttertly]

Everyone in my group who did the part-time thing, as well as myself, found it to be emotionally draining. The So Close, Yet So Far. The having to change back to it. It takes a lot out of you. Most just reached the F'it point and went full-time because of the pain

I think fulltime can be so close, yet so far.

[rosinstraya]

I think transition can have its own type of exhaustion, albeit a better kind of exhaustion.

Doing a full time job I think a lot of people just assume it's "all sorted" when it's only recently just begun (six months). I believe they don't really "get" the idea that transition is a continuing process with many side streets and road humps along the way. But - that's still way better than being jaded, dispirited and desperately depressed.

[LizK]

I have mostly body dysphoria (some social dysphoria but I can deal with that better), and while I've accepted why I have it, I still try to get rid of it every time by "fixing" all the things about me that cause it  - with a binder, stp etc...

Some times I feel like I should just try to be Zen and embrace the discomfort, but I'm not very good at that at all... my body is really good at making me feel threatened in my own (male) identity. Do you think it would be a good thing to try and embrace it, Sarah...?

I'm lucky where family is concerned I think, I have no contact with my parents to begin with, and everybody else has been very accepting.

I am trying really hard to "embrace" it today and I have to say its not really working that well for me...not in a particularly wonderful mood.. however I can't keep fighting the Dysphoria indefinitely because I am already losing that battle...I feel like I am in a really strange place  at the moment...the male part of me is no longer putting up the constant howling protest for the first time in my life and the dysphoria continues...my internal dialogue is changing now that I can clearly see for the first time in my life just how much this impacts me.  It feels a bit like part of me is succumbing to the female and my male self is unsure of where he fits as he is becoming rapidly un-needed...it  is going to take a long time before that totally happens and it feels like the wheels are just starting to turn...there is movement...slight but it is happening and maybe I have arrived at this point because I stopped fighting and made the first steps towards accepting                     

[Qrachel]

There is a lot going on during transitioning and it is a load.  Looking back for it was a time in my life when I was more alive than any other time.

I needed ton's of sleep at times and it was overwhelming given my to-do list, but I chipped away at it day by day and here I am over a decade later.   

Go with the flow day by day, step by step.  It's in part those steps that create the new you.

Take good care,

Rachel

[November Fox]

I think fulltime can be so close, yet so far.

I can see how any point in transition can be experienced as so close, yet really far.... in my case it's close yet far when I present as male (because not completely convincing) and then far again in those situations that I haven't dare come out yet, like at work.

Fighting the dysphoria really is most of what's draining my energy away... I already did most of what I could do by buying and/or crafting myself all the FTM "fixes" to the parts of my body that were triggering for  me. I guess what's left over, I'm gonna have to just deal with, instead of resorting to escapism and anger...

It's mostly fear of facing my body (as is, pre-anything) that is exhausting.

...slight but it is happening and maybe I have arrived at this point because I stopped fighting and made the first steps towards accepting                     

That's encouraging, glad to hear it 

I'm definitely going to need those tons of sleep.

[Pizzaparty78]

All of it is indeed exhausting, for me, it is what keeps me up at night. I think about it all the time... I feel like I can never just relax because it's always there, and will continue to be until I find a way to handle it. It's like my brain likes to torture me. I do like to think though that when I'm finally on T, and/or have top surgery, how awesome it'll feel. How amazing it will be to not worry about being myself or having others immediately judge me. When I'll match how I feel inside. It feels good to look into the future. And that's when it feels so close yet so far.