I don't think I should have done it

[DiscoveringEzra]

So, I gave my mom a letter Yesterday, and looking back on it today I think it was a bad idea. Like a really bad idea. Not for me in the long run but for her. She has been dealing with some things , and with bad timing I added to those things. 

My mom is deeply religious so you see why me being Bigendered is a big stresser for her. Anyway she didn't react really negative but you could tell she was upset. I think me having to go to work gave her time to collect herself and I stayed out a little extra roamed the town and what not. When I got back the issue was basically not mentioned. We still talked and prepared for Grandmom's birthday dinner, like I never said anything. Which was OK by me, It took me almost a decade to come to terms and gather the courage to get this far. (Last year of high school till now) Not very far but it's a milestone none the less.

So everything was Ok the nerves subsided abit and the headache would be taken care of with sleep. Before she went to bed though she said " We'll talk, and I'll tell you some things" What? what did she mean by "tell you some things?" I asked her what she meant with a bit of vague floundering and she replied " Well I think your getting some terms wrong, but we'll talk later" ( Or words wrong I cant really remember, My mind is working a mile a minute.)  I can't help but think " Great she's going to pull out some Bible verses, and try and convince me that I'm completely wrong, and God wouldn't make me this way, and what not. Basically cling to her biblical values as a safety blanket .

Uh I don't know, I can handle the awkward " I'm not ready yet, give me time," Or even the sight anger. I can ignore the bible verses that I've already heard a million and one times already , What I cant handle is the potential outright denial, and someone else telling me the last 10 years was a confusing time and that I'm wrong.

I don't know, I haven't really gotten anything but silence yet so maybe I'm just panicking and thinking the worse of everything, but those last few sentences before bed doesn't give me much confidence.

[JLT1]

Yea,

I hate it when people do that, tell you that there will be a later talk and leave you hanging.

Give her some time to get her head around this but talk soon so she doesn't get to far down the wrong line of thinking.

Hugs

Jen

[Obfuskatie]

Right now you're in a raw place, so while it's important to listen to her, you have to be able to hear her as well. If anyone starts to make you uncomfortable, it's ok to ask them to pause/stop, then go somewhere quiet and calm yourself down before coming back and engaging in conversation again.
There's no perfect time to come out. Your being trans isn't about her, and it will always be a bad time for some. It isn't easy to hear. But you can let her know you still love her, and that being trans isn't a choice nor is it her fault. Mothers tend to be blamed for making kids queer, because it's somehow more convenient for people to blame someone or be introspective.


     Hugs,
- Katie
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[DiscoveringEzra]

@Jen-Yeah I am not too fond of that either. Or when someone tells you something and you didn't catch it, but they refuse to repeat themselves.  But this is nerve racking as I can always bring myself to the worst parts of the world in a split second without any help from anyone. I've been caught saying "Expect the worst and hope for the best" many a time.

Today I gave her a text asking if she wanted me to bring her a sub sandwich for lunch, and she didn't respond for a couple of hours. I guessing cause work was busy.  OMG my reaction was bad . "What? Does she not want the sub?" "Did I say the wrong thing?" "Is she ignoring me?" " Im sure this is about yesterday." "OMG What if she is ignoring me?" "AH! She hates me I know it. I can feel it ," "It's over! I may as well pack my stuff and be homeless for the rest of my life" " This is the worst day of my life."

Then she Text me back saying It was fine came home, and ate the lemon chicken I bought instead, discussed the next plans for the dinner, Gave me tips on the drapes I'm looking for, and joked about tattling on me to my grandmother about something I said. All Oblivious to the mini meltdown I had today. I have never cleaned so vigorously in my life.

@Katie Yes I can definitely say It's raw, and I'm definitely working on my listening skills. I can get defensive or withdraw if I feel something isn't going my way. Not that I'm selfish complete opposite. I just don't handle conflict as well as I should. I'm used to pleasing everyone else and making others comfortable. I have told that It wasn't her fault, That she was one of my best friends, and that I loved her. That I'm the same kid she's always known the outsides may change a bit.

Eh who knows at this point. Either way I've let this uniqueness hold me back thinking it was the Worst thing in the world and that I'm doomed. But now I'm quite interested in who I'm becoming and finding pretty unique and different, I've always been different. I'm 3 years from 30 and I have a lot of stuff I plan to accomplish in that time. So I hop too and get started, Which Is why I came out in the first place.  On an unrelated topic. I love your smile, your so pretty.

Thank you ladies for the reply, I don't really have anyone to talk to so its good getting stuff out.

[cindianna_jones]

She may be preparing for a bible moment. Or perhaps, she may be thinking through the issue and trying to understand it. Either way, does it really matter? My parents disowned me and told me to leave the state. That attitude changed quickly within just a couple years and they wanted me to move back. They still had a difficult time with it for many years but finally adjusted. My siblings were much better about it and just figured there was nothing to be done but accept the new me.

Cindi

[Samantha C]

It was the person you really are who did all the things in your life and that is the person they know and love. We only get upset when we care and obviously you care very much and that is the beauty that you give.  I shake each time I know I'm going to tell someone and I have just started to tell my family.  Like it was said some people need time, to process.  I admire your courage and hope everyone finds understanding.

She may need some outside help to understand and a great deal about that is in the forums on this site. It has help me calm down myself and see all sides.

There is a lot of information in the public media right now it may help check the News section out

hugs