I Just Don't Know Anymore

[GammaHunter]

So, I haven't posted here in ages, and that's because it was the summer holidays, I had three months off school, I spent them relaxing. In that time, I attempted to make two appointments to see my GP about any kind of treatment or referrals I could get, I ended up cancelling both of them. That was around June-July, I haven't tried again since. The reason I cancelled was because I was scared of any kind of change. Things were going great from me, and I didn't want to spoil it in any way. And that worked fine, up until about two weeks ago, when I started back at school.

It's probably important to mention that I go to an all girls' school. I've been going to it for more than five years, and honestly, I don't regret it, I don't wish I could go back and change it, because then I wouldn't have my friends. I can safely say that my friends are just amazing, because the moment I came out to them, they immediately wanted to know what my new name was going to be, and they started using my preferred pronouns. They've slipped up occasionally, and been incredibly apologetic about it, even when I reassured them that it was fine, and my family still refer to me as female, because I don't expect anything more of them.

So that's all fine. My friends and family are great. But, since going back to school, I've started to become a lot more confused about my feelings. Before, I thought maybe it'd be okay if I didn't completely transition, or if I waited until I'd left home to really start. Now, I just don't know. I just want things to be as simple as possible, but I don't know how to do that, without just sitting and waiting for two years, and I don't know if I can do that. At home, I'm fine, but at school, it's just so tiring. I've actually started considering dropping out of school, which I can do now, but I don't know if that's the right decision.

I don't really know what I'm aiming for with this post, I just needed to say this. No matter how understanding my friends are, I still don't feel I can talk to them about things like this, because there's way they could understand how I'm feeling, mainly because I'm bad at articulating my feelings. So, I really just don't know. I hope this makes at least some sense.

[suzifrommd]

Makes a lot of sense, GH.

Changing gender is scary. The world will be a lot different, and you don't know how. For me, I am much older and didn't want to live as a man any longer than I had to, but when you're younger, time doesn't seem quite so valuable, and the world is a lot scarier.

Only you can know whether transition is right for you, and if yes, when, so I don't have any words of wisdom to offer. My only suggestion is to hang out in the FtM section of the forums and ask lots and lots of questions. Learn the length and breadth of what it's like to transition and to live as a man. Once you have a very detailed picture, your own direction might become clearer.

I hope this helps.

[Laura_7]

You could try a few scenarios in your head... how do you feel in each situation ?

If you think about your dreams, where would you have some images that would inspire you ?

Here are a few resources that might help:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,194986.msg1737439.html#msg1737439

and here:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,195129.msg1740788.html#msg1740788

Well tbh it can be an intuitive process...its some kind of inner knowing... it may be possible some restraints appear but usually its some inner knowing...

hugs

[Dena]

Dropping out of school is not a good idea. When I transitioned, I found I burned through money as fast as I could make it. After I transitioned, money made life comfortable and it will help in my retirement. The key for most people to make money is a good education so get as much as you can.

I think you could use some therapy and while a gender therapist would be better, any therapy would help. See if your school offers it or if your family will help you. When you have big decisions in your life, it often helps to explain it to a skilled ear. They will help you look at all side of the problem and show you what you might have missed.

[GammaHunter]

Dropping out of school is not a good idea. When I transitioned, I found I burned through money as fast as I could make it. After I transitioned, money made life comfortable and it will help in my retirement. The key for most people to make money is a good education so get as much as you can.

I think you could use some therapy and while a gender therapist would be better, any therapy would help. See if your school offers it or if your family will help you. When you have big decisions in your life, it often helps to explain it to a skilled ear. They will help you look at all side of the problem and show you what you might have missed.

Probably should've explained this better, but when I say dropping out of school, I mean I can leave school whenever. I've completed my compulsory education, and I have my GCSEs, I'm doing my A Levels now, which are optional. I know some people who've left school completely, and have jobs now. That could be an option for me, but there really aren't many jobs around. A third option is college, which I was originally going to do, but I decided not to, for various reasons. At the moment, I'm finding school so draining, even though I'm spending less time there than I was before, and although I don't think I could actually do it, I've thought of leaving school more than once over the two weeks I've been back.

[Dena]

When I was in college, the question of summer school came up. At the time the economy was poor so the family decided I was better off in summer school than attempting to find a job. Again, I mention therapy as it might help you make the decision. If you think it will help, take a break from school and then enter college mid term. You really need the education but I suspect you are dealing with depression. I lived with it for a long time and it is a fight to get through each day. Get ride of the depression and the school shouldn't be a problem.