So tired of being transgender

[Jacqueline]

Paige,

That must just be exhausting. I feel for you.

Is there additional tension and/or friction in your relationship with your spouse? It seems like there is something there that she or you are missing. Perhaps she understands full well but is in such denial about it that she is making about blaming you? I am not a doctor or therapist so I really can't/shouldn't try to diagnose anything.

Have you told her you would not transition? Sorry, I remember some of your posts but have not gone back and reviewed.

This is all so tough with the support of a SO or when alone. Without that support must be brutal.

I too am so sorry.

Joanna

[Paige]

Paige,

That must just be exhausting. I feel for you.

Is there additional tension and/or friction in your relationship with your spouse? It seems like there is something there that she or you are missing. Perhaps she understands full well but is in such denial about it that she is making about blaming you? I am not a doctor or therapist so I really can't/shouldn't try to diagnose anything.

Have you told her you would not transition? Sorry, I remember some of your posts but have not gone back and reviewed.

This is all so tough with the support of a SO or when alone. Without that support must be brutal.

I too am so sorry.

Joanna

Hi Joanna,

Very intuitive of you, yes there are other tensions in the relationship.   Actually one, money.

So basically I was laid off from my job of 10+ years last year.  So I've gone back to my software business that I ran before starting at my old job.   After severance, we've been living off my savings and her income.   

I've been building a particular project for most of this year and am 90% complete, it's in beta but the last part is the trickiest.  This has kicked up my dysphoria to a new level with the stress of the situation and I'm not sure if the project is going to go anywhere.  The friends that are testing it are quite impressed but I just feeling overwhelmed and stuck in the mud right now.

Years ago I told her I would give it up and not transition thinking I could get over this.  With the recent flair up of the last few years, I've told her that I didn't know what would happen and that I'm transgender and it's driving me crazy.  I've told her if it wasn't for her and the kids I would transition in a second.

Yes it's very brutal.  I think I just have to focus all my energy into getting my project done and then think of the future.  But I wonder if low dose\full hrt would get rid of my dysphoria enough to allow me to concentrate again.

Thanks Joanna, I think your questions have clarified some things for me.

Paige

[Jacqueline]

Paige,

Is it possible that she sees you as you have always been? The trick is you have always been transgender. If she sees you that way it might be easier to put the blame on you. Thinking, she and the situation haven't changed(outside of the job loss). So, you must just be reacting to the job loss.

I guess I was thinking either she has known all along and will not accept it or she sees this recent flare up as just that. A flare up.

Please don't take this personally, but the one mistake you made was in thinking that you could get over this. I made the same mistake but to myself. I have only come to the conclusion that I am transgender MTF in the last 6 months or so. I knew I was different and knew I struggled with hidden cross dressing since I was 8 or so. I just thought it was something I should be able to "be better" about and overcome it. The biggest thing to strike me when I was in the middle of self exploration last spring is that it never completely goes away. Whether talking about cross dressers or transitioning transgender folks, it is always there. Depending on how your life is at the moment, it may recede for a while(like my hair but it is sadly permanent) but it will always come back. I don't know if there is a way you can communicate that? Perhaps she could understand or empathize more knowing it has always been there?

Don't know. Good luck and warmth.

Joanna

[barbie]

My wife accepts my crossdressing and ->-bleeped-<- because I earn salary and sustain my family. My colleagues accept my wearing skirt, heels and makeup because I perform well and have good relationships with other people at my workplace. Students accept my wearing skirt during the class because I teach well. My kids accept it because their mother and my colleagues also accept it. I started wearing bikini in the beach only after I secured my current tenure position at my university.

SO always worry that my ->-bleeped-<- undermines my professional performance, and I always have to demonstrate that it is not the case.

My slogan has been "Work first, then enjoy and express my femininity later". I have been a responsible person, regardless of my gender.

Yes. I am also now working on some computer code (biological modelling), which I want my graduate students to do  soon.

barbie~~

[Paige]

Paige,

Is it possible that she sees you as you have always been? The trick is you have always been transgender. If she sees you that way it might be easier to put the blame on you. Thinking, she and the situation haven't changed(outside of the job loss). So, you must just be reacting to the job loss.

I guess I was thinking either she has known all along and will not accept it or she sees this recent flare up as just that. A flare up.

Please don't take this personally, but the one mistake you made was in thinking that you could get over this. I made the same mistake but to myself. I have only come to the conclusion that I am transgender MTF in the last 6 months or so. I knew I was different and knew I struggled with hidden cross dressing since I was 8 or so. I just thought it was something I should be able to "be better" about and overcome it. The biggest thing to strike me when I was in the middle of self exploration last spring is that it never completely goes away. Whether talking about cross dressers or transitioning transgender folks, it is always there. Depending on how your life is at the moment, it may recede for a while(like my hair but it is sadly permanent) but it will always come back. I don't know if there is a way you can communicate that? Perhaps she could understand or empathize more knowing it has always been there?

Don't know. Good luck and warmth.

Joanna

Hi Joanna,

I don't think she can think of it as a flare up because of the layoff.  By the way it was a company wide layoff, over 300 people, nothing to do with my performance just the next quarter.  Anyway it has never gone away, but it got really bad a couple of years before the layoff and she knows that.

My wife has known for close to 30 years.  Back then there was no internet, little research and psychiatrists  actually thought you could be "cured".  I had quite a few episodes in that time.  I always thought I could get over it but after more than 50 years and recent revelations by science that there isn't a way to get over it,  I have changed how I explain it to her.  My wife has know all along, but like me she understanding has morphed over the years.

I have told her this isn't going away and is painful every day.  It was always there in the past, sometimes I could distract myself but that seems to be tougher these days.  I know I'm going to have to live with this one way or the other.  The question is can I live it her way without going completely insane?

Thanks for all the help Joanna,
Paige

[Paige]

My wife accepts my crossdressing and ->-bleeped-<- because I earn salary and sustain my family. My colleagues accept my wearing skirt, heels and makeup because I perform well and have good relationships with other people at my workplace. Students accept my wearing skirt during the class because I teach well. My kids accept it because their mother and my colleagues also accept it. I started wearing bikini in the beach only after I secured my current tenure position at my university.

SO always worry that my ->-bleeped-<- undermines my professional performance, and I always have to demonstrate that it is not the case.

My slogan has been "Work first, then enjoy and express my femininity later". I have been a responsible person, regardless of my gender.

Yes. I am also now working on some computer code (biological modelling), which I want my graduate students to do  soon.

barbie~~

Hi Barbie,

Actually I've done quite well in my life being a good husband, good father and a good son.  I have always provided for my family and the only reason I didn't transition years ago was because I was more concerned for family.  But it isn't that I want to enjoy my femininity, I need to be who I am 24/7.  I've been lying to myself for too long.  I'm not considering this to extend my pleasure, I need to do this to retain my sanity.

I admire that your wife is so understanding, but I'm sure if I even thought about your approach my wife would truly freak.  Much of her disapproval is how the world would see us.   I believe your approach is unique on Susans.  Unlike you, I'm just not feminine enough to cross-dress in public right now. 

The other thing is that I'm not comfortable at all with my body.  My dysphoria is centered around this.   I'm actually the opposite of you.  I would transition in stealth if I could figure a way to do it all without the world knowing. 

Maybe that's the answer for now, I know there are many on here that have transitioned to some extent but remain in stealth mode but that would still require my wife to be okay with me being on some sort of hormones.

Thanks Barbie for the input, it's been helpful.
Paige

[iKate]

  It's worked for close to 30 years, the problem is yesterday it hit me that she really doesn't give a damn about me, I'm just a prop in her life that she can manipulate to her desire.

I sort of feel the same way. So what can you do? See about yourself first. People come and go but in the end you're stuck with yourself.

[Paige]

I sort of feel the same way. So what can you do? See about yourself first. People come and go but in the end you're stuck with yourself.

Hi Kate,
Yup, that's about it.  Although I'm trying to figure a way through this, it's looking more and more like we're destined to split.
Thanks,
Paige

P.S. Your avatar is absolutely amazing.  I remember when you first started, wow quite the change.

[Jessie Ann]

Hang in there Paige. It is tough coming to that final realization of who you are and what you need to do. I had the hardest time coming to terms with that. Once I made the decision to begin HRT and started Estrogen therapy my outlook got so much better. I had repressed much of my feelings for most of my adult life but I still worried about how my children would react to my decision to transition. They really surprised me by how supportive they actually were. I didn't have to worry about a spouse because I had separated/divorced my ex 5 years before I began transition.  I do have a girlfriend and so far she has stuck with me.

At the end of the day it is your body and your decision. I personally love how HRT has made me feel and pretty much everyone who is actually around me on a daily basis agrees.

To emotionally blackmail you is so wrong on so many levels. If a person truly loves you they want you to be happy and will support you in your efforts. I believe that some of the very few people in my life who have not been supportive of me are acting that way because they don't want to be "embarrassed" by supporting me.  It's funny how some people are more concerned with how they will be be perceived by others then they are with the health and well being of the person they claim to love.

Good luck to you girl and do what is right for you.

[Bunter]

Hi there,

I find it really hard to comment, because you situation is quite complicated.
But I want to support you that it was a lot harder in the 80s, and that the older generation (aka we ;-)) had it lot harder. I have friends who are my age, who are otherwise very leftist and open-minded, and they still have a problem with trans. The 80s were a tough decade for trans people.

So it's very believable that you wife is just stuck in that mindset, and nothing you do can change that. It's a different worldview really. Younger people have grown up with more information. In the 80s, gender was "chromosomes" and as we all know, they can't be changed.

I myself had a hard time to get rid of that worldview, which delayed my whole self acceptance process for many years.

It sounds like focusing on your business to become independent would be a good idea right now. It can only strengthen your position.

[barbie]

I admire that your wife is so understanding, but I'm sure if I even thought about your approach my wife would truly freak.  Much of her disapproval is how the world would see us.   I believe your approach is unique on Susans.  Unlike you, I'm just not feminine enough to cross-dress in public right now. 

Hi, Paige,

I am not quite sure, but I think women tend to be more emotional. For example, I have two younger sisters, and one of them was like your wife. She never understood my ->-bleeped-<- during the past 10 years. Just repeat what she already said. And I just gave up her, as I do not live with her.

Recently I sent her some of my photos, including those bikini photos, through a smartphone messenger. Suddenly her attitude was changed. She seemed to realize that I am m2f transsexual, which she never could imagine. Then she suddenly became very sympathetic to me, surmising my past hardships.

People are all different, but I can say that women tend to be more emotional in dialogue. Women are easily moved by a tiny gift or care.

barbie~~

[Paige]

Hang in there Paige. It is tough coming to that final realization of who you are and what you need to do. I had the hardest time coming to terms with that. Once I made the decision to begin HRT and started Estrogen therapy my outlook got so much better. I had repressed much of my feelings for most of my adult life but I still worried about how my children would react to my decision to transition. They really surprised me by how supportive they actually were. I didn't have to worry about a spouse because I had separated/divorced my ex 5 years before I began transition.  I do have a girlfriend and so far she has stuck with me.

At the end of the day it is your body and your decision. I personally love how HRT has made me feel and pretty much everyone who is actually around me on a daily basis agrees.

To emotionally blackmail you is so wrong on so many levels. If a person truly loves you they want you to be happy and will support you in your efforts. I believe that some of the very few people in my life who have not been supportive of me are acting that way because they don't want to be "embarrassed" by supporting me.  It's funny how some people are more concerned with how they will be be perceived by others then they are with the health and well being of the person they claim to love.

Good luck to you girl and do what is right for you.

Hi Jessie Ann,

I've always wondered if my daughters might have some suspicions.  One is out of high school, the other one has one year left.  I'm pretty sure the younger one will think it's neat.  The older one will be probably be embarrassed.  But I'm a long way from that now.

You're right it's emotional blackmail to some extent.  My therapist thinks she basically has been calling the shots for our entire relationship and if you look at the history, my wife has gotten her way on most issues. 

I think I've decided to try low dose for a while.  I just want to  see how I feel and then see where to take it.   I'm sure my wife won't be impressed but something has to give.

Thanks for the support,
Paige

[Paige]

Hi there,

I find it really hard to comment, because you situation is quite complicated.
But I want to support you that it was a lot harder in the 80s, and that the older generation (aka we ;-)) had it lot harder. I have friends who are my age, who are otherwise very leftist and open-minded, and they still have a problem with trans. The 80s were a tough decade for trans people.

So it's very believable that you wife is just stuck in that mindset, and nothing you do can change that. It's a different worldview really. Younger people have grown up with more information. In the 80s, gender was "chromosomes" and as we all know, they can't be changed.

I myself had a hard time to get rid of that worldview, which delayed my whole self acceptance process for many years.

It sounds like focusing on your business to become independent would be a good idea right now. It can only strengthen your position.

Hi Bunter,

Thanks for the kind comments.  I think you're right I've got to get the business working for this to work out but at the same time I think I will start low dose to try and clear my head.  Hopefully this will all figure itself out.

Take care,
Paige

[Paige]

Hi, Paige,

I am not quite sure, but I think women tend to be more emotional. For example, I have two younger sisters, and one of them was like your wife. She never understood my ->-bleeped-<- during the past 10 years. Just repeat what she already said. And I just gave up her, as I do not live with her.

Recently I sent her some of my photos, including those bikini photos, through a smartphone messenger. Suddenly her attitude was changed. She seemed to realize that I am m2f transsexual, which she never could imagine. Then she suddenly became very sympathetic to me, surmising my past hardships.

People are all different, but I can say that women tend to be more emotional in dialogue. Women are easily moved by a tiny gift or care.

barbie~~

Interesting idea Barbie, I often wonder if my wife would be a little more accepting if I dressed feminine in front of her.  I only did it once almost 30 years ago.   I know she hates the thought of it, but maybe that's exactly what she needs me to do for her to understand me better.  She tolerates me dressing when she's not around.  Maybe there's an opportunity there.

Thanks for the idea.  I think I will talk to her about this.
Paige

[Jessie Ann]

My youngest, who is in her last year of high school, was exactly that way.  I believe she said "That's so cool dad, do I still get to call you dad."  Her and some of her friends have been shopping with me and they are some of my biggest supporters.

I'm pretty sure the younger one will think it's neat. 

It's good for you to at least explore how you will feel with even a low dose.  I felt so normal once I started.  Give it a little time to gauge your body's reaction.  My therapist explained to me that my body was craving estrogen, and had been most of my life. Once it was in my system things really changed for me.  Good luck with your trial.
 

I think I've decided to try low dose for a while.  I just want to  see how I feel and then see where to take it.   I'm sure my wife won't be impressed but something has to give.

Thanks for the support,
Paige

[Paige]

My youngest, who is in her last year of high school, was exactly that way.  I believe she said "That's so cool dad, do I still get to call you dad."  Her and some of her friends have been shopping with me and they are some of my biggest supporters.

It's good for you to at least explore how you will feel with even a low dose.  I felt so normal once I started.  Give it a little time to gauge your body's reaction.  My therapist explained to me that my body was craving estrogen, and had been most of my life. Once it was in my system things really changed for me.  Good luck with your trial.

Hi Jessie Ann,

That's awesome that your your daughter is really supportive.

As for the hrt, I just have to build up some courage.  I'll let you know when that happens.

Thanks so much,
Paige

[LostAtFree]

I know the feeling. I get so sick and freaking tired of it and all this crap we deal with in its variety never ending feeling like the day will never come getting anywhere that we could just take a deep breath and move forward. Year after year, day after working night after night feeling as if was not myself in a town where whatever the heck they think I am they've seen me hearing what other say but nobody really knows not does a thing they say mean a thing but I cringe filled with dysphoria finding myself isolated in my own prison. I ask myself why then find its impossible to see myself any other way identifying any different. But you know what? I wouldn't want to be like them anyway!


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[LostAtFree]

And I wanted to,say sick of everything so freaking tired of it all not wanting to have to go on another second feeling how I feel, I absolutely love who I am!


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[Tessa James]

As in mountaineering, you have seemed to have affected a self arrest, saving yourself from falling. 

Loving ourselves is important.

[Gladys-phylis]

Hi Barbie,

Actually I've done quite well in my life being a good husband, good father and a good son.  I have always provided for my family and the only reason I didn't transition years ago was because I was more concerned for family.  But it isn't that I want to enjoy my femininity, I need to be who I am 24/7.  I've been lying to myself for too long.  I'm not considering this to extend my pleasure, I need to do this to retain my sanity.

I admire that your wife is so understanding, but I'm sure if I even thought about your approach my wife would truly freak.  Much of her disapproval is how the world would see us.   I believe your approach is unique on Susans.  Unlike you, I'm just not feminine enough to cross-dress in public right now. 

The other thing is that I'm not comfortable at all with my body.  My dysphoria is centered around this.   I'm actually the opposite of you.  I would transition in stealth if I could figure a way to do it all without the world knowing. 

Maybe that's the answer for now, I know there are many on here that have transitioned to some extent but remain in stealth mode but that would still require my wife to be okay with me being on some sort of hormones.

Thanks Barbie for the input, it's been helpful.
Paige

Hi Paige,

I just wanted to share my recent experience at dealing with similar issues. My wife has also known about my issues for the duration of our relationship. I've spent the last 20 years trying to find a way to live without transitioning. Anyway, I started experiencing the most debilitating dysphoria of my life so I found a gender therapist. After a couple of months my therapist helped me see that taking just tiny steps towards transition could help relieve some of the dysphoria (I also was fearful that making any changes would put me on the path towards full transition, so I resisted making any changes ). To make a long story short, I started tucking almost all the time (using a homemade gaff, check YouTube ) . For me this provided an almost immediate mental relief. I believe it in part had to do with a reduction in my testosterone. A lot of the noise that was occurring dissipated and I felt calmer, less anxious and more confident. I decided that I would continue tucking going forward so I told my wife. I explained the significant benefits it gave me and she was not opposed to it (although she didn't want to see it). After eight months I started to perceive some slight physical changes consistent with those who go on t blockers. This was completely unexpected but very welcomed. This experience has helped to put things into perspective and greatly clarify the path ahead for me. I've gotten a clear sense that proceeding on a path towards transition is absolutely the right direction for me. I told my wife that I feel sooo much better post tucking, why would I ever go back? It's hard for her to argue with that. Why would I intentionally do something that makes me miserable? We can both see that that doesn't make any sense.  I'm taking things sloooowly, but at least I'm going in the right direction! I wish you well and hope you find a solution that provides you some relief. Take care [emoji3]



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