Dr. Phil talks to a father of a Mtf child

[Cynobyte]

I one time asked my mom who my dad was.  She told me when she found she was pregnant,  she went to tell him..  not being happy about it, he beat her very badly and threatened to kill her..  she went into hiding and moved away..

I never thought anything of it until I heard in a document,  that around the 6th week (about the time you realize your pregnant ) the male fetus need a shot of testosterone by the mother to develop the brain into male. 

I don't know if this is true, but the trauma I described could cause the mother to go into a hormone imbalance and mis time that testosterone injection?  This is all off my mother's words she told me years ago.  She died a few years back, so I cannot verify this again..  I would confront my real dad if I knew his real name or where he lived..  doing genetic research now, may take a year, but I hope to find him someday!  I doubt his story would match what I was told.  I just want his genetic history to know what's in store for my future..  but yes I do believe you brain gender is determined before birth!  And yes I believe your parents can affect it by their actions! 

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[Laura_7]

Here is a link that might help:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,195129.msg1740788.html#msg1740788

and here:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,194946.msg1736596.html#msg1736596


hugs

[paula lesley]

I can imagine the type of programme . I do not have a telievision ( sic ) so I've never seen any of these awful shows.


We are born complete, we all know who we are. Some embrace the true. Some run from it

That poor man needs love not a circus.


Paula, <3 X.

[Jill F]

Just saw the preview clip and I'm quite disappointed in Dr Phil comment that we concentrate so much on those transitioing but have little regards for the feeling of others.

I caught some of this as well, and Dr. Phil frankly needs to be beaten over the head with a cluebat repeatedly about the current state of trans issues.   What I saw was this-

*with Southern drawl* "How dare you do this to your poor ignoramus of a father.   How dare you transition in a family who are deeply offended and hurt by this." 

OK, Phil. (Who hasn't practiced nor been a licensed therapist in many years, BTW...)   So it's only OK to transition if you already know you have a loving and accepting family?   Some of us have no freaking clue how our families will take it, and others know damned well it's going to be a disaster.  How dare we try to seek treatment for a well-documented medical condition in cases where our families are not 100% behind it?   

What "Dr." Phil need to realize here is that the old man here is really the one with the problem, and that family members of trans people sometimes suffer VOLUNTARILY because they steadfastly refuse to pull their heads out of their butts.   If you refuse to educate yourself and cling to ignorance and hatred, I think you deserve all the self-induced suffering you can torture yourself with.  You'd think that a rectocranial extraction here would be the real path of least resistance.   Dysphoria is not a choice, but ignorance and bigotry most certainly are.

I remember watching an episode of Dr. Phil once while my oil was being changed.   He was talking to berating a man addicted to heroin whose life was falling apart piece by piece.  His advice? *drawl again* "You need to stop doing drugs." *facepalm*   

Drs. Phil, Ablow and McHugh- please go away. 

[CaptFido87]

Hi folks.

Interesting thoughts from you all. Yea like I said I figured it wasn't likely the case and that it comes from within us when it comes to being trans. Some people know right away and others much much later. I just thought about it because its a hard situation to deal with. I watched my own dad tear up bad at my therapy session today. I do feel bad. I want them to accept me for me but I don't want to cause so much pain to the family. That's where I felt the need to bring this up. Maybe the dad did try his best to raise his son right but ultimately didn't work. I know that means there was nothing he could do about it, but you know. Its gotta be so hard to love your child but they changed before your eyes. I know people still have problems with this. I'm sure there's still love from the father but probably a lot of anger too.

I taped the episode to watch for later. I'll post my findings later. Yea I'm also not a big Dr. Phil fan but the topic fit the bill. Might help my parents come to.

[CaptFido87]

So I watched the episode on this today.

The Transgender child is actually the nephew of the man. He raised him since day 2 and considers him his son. The main point of the episode was obviously about the transgender person. Part of the focus was on the man and the wife of trans person. They also brought in Christine Beck (The transgender navy seal) for advice.

What I got from it was that the man basically flat out refused to accept his son wants to be a woman. He called him sick multiple times and barely could look at his son dressed up. I feel this as this is how my mom reacted when I told her. Very angry and would not hear a word of what I had to say. I was very heart breaking for me. The trans person basically didn't show any emotion to what her dad said, which probably comes from him being in the army. It made me a little upset because this tells me that she basically didn't really care for her dad (Uncle) felt. The whole point of wanting to become the opposite gender is to become happy. Keeping the love between the family and friends is a big part of it too. She hardly flinched to his tears. That's the wrong approach to it to me anyways. The man clearly knew very little about how people act and feel transgender. He even called Christine Beck an "it". Dr. Phil called him out on that; which was comical. Dr. Phil suggested through all of this to try an educate himself on transgender people and become more open minded. I 100% agree with that. There are a lot of people who have no clue on any of this and a little research would likely help great deals in understanding trans people. The man promised to do try and be more open minded.

Next was the wife of the transgender person. She talked about how she caught him having sex with other trans woman multiple times and was stealing her clothes (mostly undergarments) to wear. He even went so far as to ask her for an open marriage and if he could have sex with another man. She said yes to all of this. Basically sums up that marriage. She claimed that whenever he dressed up as a woman, he would become cocky and self centered. Dr. Phil asked how this made the man feel and he said the child was sick and basically an ->-bleeped-<- for treating his wife this way. I can understand this. There's no reason for him to treat his wife this way. She gave him everything (even sold one of their cars so he could get laser hair removal); and he basically never thanked her or did anything to appreciate it. He should have just called the marriage off instead of putting her through all the pain and agony.

The transgender person was very arrogant through-out the whole episode. Not to sound mean, but basically felt like she was holding all of her emotions back so that she wouldn't smear her make-up. That was my initial feelings of her. Everyone basically told her that she needs to slow down the process a bit and understand how it makes everyone feel and not be so self centered. I just frankly didn't care for her through-out it. I mean if she caused problems with the wife, that tell me she'd likely do the same with any other person. Being trans to us is becoming who we really feel that we should be. Now I'm sure the sex and all of that is beyond fun but that shouldn't be the focus of it. Being true to yourself is what it's about.

Christine Beck was a nice touch to get advice and view points from. Someone who not only has done this transition, but has been a woman for a while. So that was a nice perspective.

Dr. Phil seemed to me like he understood the functionality of trans people, but didn't want to use the right words. He didn't say SRS surgery, he stuttered on the word and than said surgery instead. Maybe he just didn't want to say the wrong thing. He repeated what he was stuttering a lot through-out it. So he wasn't as people bad as he usually is and gave (for the most part) good advice to everyone. The thing I wasn't too thrilled about was that he left a lot of unanswered questions in the air at the end of the show. He took multiple commercial breaks. He basically didn't offer much advice, it was more like a therapy session just letting the sides talk.

Going back to what I originally posted; where the man said he was to blame and this whole thing was his fault. I had asked if you all felt the same and most of disagreed. I guess I know the right answer but to me I still partially on the fence on it. Yea blaming yourself for someone else's biological make up is wrong. Especially in this case where the man is not the biological father. The actions of one, I do feel could influence someone to act differently. I mentioned that my parents never pushed me to work hard as a child; which made me very lazy and weak to hard work. I eventually trained myself to do hard work, but I struggle with it. Clearly this did have an effect on me. So I do feel that maybe society do have an effect on you. I was always raised to be very racist and not to really appreciate black people. I never questioned it because that's what I was taught and that's what everyone did. Now I know that this wrong, and have set aside a path for myself to be a better person.

Something as small as trying on a dress and heels at small age cold do this too. It could be that you get caught and get yelled at for wearing the wrong thing. I know many on here have said they were once caught dressing up and never did it again for many years. It makes think to yourself that, what I did was wrong so I don't want to do it again. Or at least not for awhile in fear of getting caught again. Most people if they did this as a child either now want to be a woman or completely forgot about. It seems to me like it's black and white. My best friend through-out all of school career was as some my say "fruity". Him and his brothers all were this way. They all all ended either gay or bi in the end. So to me naturally hanging around them really did influence me to be more open minded with my sexuality. Even experimenting with my friend one time as camp made like men more than I would have thought. I guess to most that if my genetics were trans from birth, that this likely pushed it out of me faster than say if hadn't been friends with him. I'm sure if I went back in time and changed who I hung around with, I'd probably would consider myself straight and would never think about in this day and age. Maybe if I truly was meant to transition, that it wouldn't strike until I'm say 60 or something. At that point would I go through it rather than at my current age. You know. There's no way of knowing what would have happened. So I do believe how people act and feel around you can influence your sexuality and in this case possibly your gender.

Sorry long post

Sammi

[Paige]

Hi Sammi,

Perhaps the question we should be asking is why did Dr. Phil and his crew choose this transgender person to be on the show?  My guess is Dr. Phil was looking for conflict to help his ratings.   The thing is every community has jerks, this is nothing new, but I would worry that a lot of the people watching this could believe all transgender people are like this.  To me the show sounds a lot like the old Jerry Springer shows.

Take care,
Paige

[suzifrommd]

Hi Sammi,

Perhaps the question we should be asking is why did Dr. Phil and his crew choose this transgender person to be on the show?  My guess is Dr. Phil was looking for conflict to help his ratings.   The thing is every community has jerks, this is nothing new, but I would worry that a lot of the people watching this could believe all transgender people are like this.  To me the show sounds a lot like the old Jerry Springer shows.

Take care,
Paige

THIS^^^

[Dee Marshall]

Definitely, Paige. I was trying to figure out quite how to express the same suspicions and you nailed it. It's easy for people who don't understand to think we're self-centered jerks. It gives our loved ones someone to blame other than themselves when really no one is to blame. Of course we're self centered. This is life or death. A drowning man is self centered too.

I'm having a hard time reminding myself that my loved ones are struggling, too, just now.

[Jessica Merriman]

The transgender person was very arrogant through-out the whole episode. Not to sound mean, but basically felt like she was holding all of her emotions back so that she wouldn't smear her make-up. That was my initial feelings of her. Everyone basically told her that she needs to slow down the process a bit and understand how it makes everyone feel and not be so self centered. I just frankly didn't care for her through-out it. I mean if she caused problems with the wife, that tell me she'd likely do the same with any other person. Being trans to us is becoming who we really feel that we should be. Now I'm sure the sex and all of that is beyond fun but that shouldn't be the focus of it. Being true to yourself is what it's about.

I am so infuriated right now!!! First, arrogant? She was ambushed, brought out dramatically for ratings and was not supported by anyone. She had every right to be stand offish and cold. Holding her emotions not to smear her makeup? Did you really say that? Nice support for a sister of ours trying to maintain herself. Maybe you would have liked it more if she was a sobbing mess who could not answer questions or got flustered and said the wrong things? If she caused problems with the wife she would with others? I am so mad I can't or won't even address this one at all.

I am sickened by the lack of support or empathy showed to her. She needs to slow down? How many of us you included want changes overnight? What do you and I both sacrifice to pay for treatments and procedures? Everything! I can understand an idiot like Phil saying some of these things, but you better look inside your heart and soul and figure out a few things. First is support for one of our own who you have never met, but assume about. I am a Public Information Officer in Emergency Services and I can tell you NO T.V. appearance goes smoothly or conveys the speakers personality very well. To assume, especially against one of our own is not right in any way. 

By the way. It is Kristin Beck!

[Deborah]

It's pretty hard to have any sympathy at all for someone, transgender or not, who cheats on their spouse..


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[Asche]

It's pretty hard to have any sympathy at all for someone, transgender or not, who cheats on their spouse..

One can have sympathy for someone without approving of what they do.

We don't know enough about her to imagine what it would be like to walk in her shoes.
Let him who is without sin ...

[Asche]

When I saw the name "Dr. Phil," I immediately knew: this is not going to go well.  I don't watch TV, but I've heard enough about Dr. Phil to have an idea of where this would go, and it was pretty much what I see described here.

Something of a tangent:

A number of people have said that what parents do has no effect on whether a child is/turns out trans.  I'd mostly agree.  Being trans is rooted in a person's essential nature, and although others (e.g., parents) can mangle or destory a person's personality, they can't actually turn it into a different nature.

But I, at least, see myself as trans because I look at "what men are" and I don't see myself in any part of it.  I think part of it is that the "what men are" that I learned doesn't fit my nature.  But a large part of it is that the way I was treated because I was seen as a boy was so awful, for me at least, that I think I wished I weren't a boy.  I was certainly convinced that if I'd been a girl, my life would have been less hellish, especially seeing how my 9 years younger sister was being raised.

So I wonder: if I'd grown up in a different world, one where the way I was was perfectly okay even for someone born with an "outie", and where I'd have been treated with more understanding and nurturing and less Spartan discipline, would I have felt so alienated from the gender that people with "outies" get assigned to?  I'm sure I would have still been at least what this world calls "non-conforming", but in that world the same stuff would be simply one of the many ways to be "male."

So I'm willing to consider the possibility that how my parents treated me, along with how the rest of society treated me, had some role in making me see myself as trans.

BTW, I'm speaking for myself, not for all trans people.  Given how varied people are, I'm sure that even in that world, some people would want to transition.

[Paige]

I am so infuriated right now!!! First, arrogant? She was ambushed, brought out dramatically for ratings and was not supported by anyone. She had every right to be stand offish and cold. Holding her emotions not to smear her makeup? Did you really say that? Nice support for a sister of ours trying to maintain herself. Maybe you would have liked it more if she was a sobbing mess who could not answer questions or got flustered and said the wrong things? If she caused problems with the wife she would with others? I am so mad I can't or won't even address this one at all.

I am sickened by the lack of support or empathy showed to her. She needs to slow down? How many of us you included want changes overnight? What do you and I both sacrifice to pay for treatments and procedures? Everything! I can understand an idiot like Phil saying some of these things, but you better look inside your heart and soul and figure out a few things. First is support for one of our own who you have never met, but assume about. I am a Public Information Officer in Emergency Services and I can tell you NO T.V. appearance goes smoothly or conveys the speakers personality very well. To assume, especially against one of our own is not right in any way. 

By the way. It is Kristin Beck!

Hi Jessica,

You're correct we really can't draw any conclusions about the transgender woman on this show.   In such a hostile environment it's hard to know what her real story is.

Paige

[CaptFido87]

Paige- Yea I'm sure you are probably right about the ratings for the show. It did feel a little staged and a little like Jerry Springer.

Jessica- I apologize for making you so upset. That wan't really my intention. I was simply trying give my thoughts of the episode.

Obviously I was being supportive otherwise I probably wouldn't have watched it. I was more curious to hear how the other side reacts to this and some advice that would help me with my parents. She might have been ambushed in a way, but she did agree to appear on the show, so I wouldn't say that. The reason I said the make-up thing because of the way she acted. Her Uncle and Wife clearly were struggling to hold back tears and were getting all choked up bad. The expression on her face, to me, seemed like almost as if she didn't care about them. That's why I said that. It didn't seem right. I understand being transgender does make us self centered, seeing as there's a whole lot less support for it. This to me felt like she basically already shut them out of her life without the chance for rebuttal. That's why I guess my words seemed rather negative towards her. As for wanting her to cry during all of it, no. I didn't want to see a waterfall of emotions from her, but a few tears would have shown me that does care about them as well. To be honest most of the questions were asked to the man and the wife. So it's hard to have known if she would have said anything, that would have made it seem like she cares about the other two.

The slow down part was suggested as a way to help her with the emotional side of things and learn to understand how the decision affects everyone. The transgender woman hadn't even started any hormones and she was already going out dressed up and seeing other people. Obviously that takes a lot of guts, but we all know you can't change instantly. Would be awesome, but unfortunately magic doesn't exist. So to take it slow is what I agreed with. Taking some things slow with transitioning would certainly help to make the woman more understanding of everything. Yes the sacrifice we have to make it outstanding. I know that. Transitioning isn't cheapest thing unfortunately. I've heard some stories of people having spent $50,000 at least to fully change. That's more money than I typically make in 2-3 years. So yea not only is that part of the sacrifice, but the other half that family and friends have to go through as well. Yea it's tough.

Going back to the support part, yes I don't know what kind of life she's lived or what's she done other than the few small things mentioned. I never once said I don't support her, just that I didn't care for her actions. Like many people have mentioned, our community isn't the greatest either. There's always going to a bad apple in any group, but it doesn't make us all the same. She was simply acting arrogant and I didn't car for that outlook of her. That was my opinion on her. I am sure I wouldn't be able to handle a live audience either. I myself am a little shy, so yes that's entirely possible that the trans woman did get nervous and didn't want to show weak or something on tv. You never know.

So yes, I suppose I might have gone a little overboard on the trans woman. I was just displaying my thoughts. As for what I said about the behavior I do believe that part to be true. Cheating on the wife currently with other people is wrong. So there's a good chance they would likely do it another partner or act selfishly. I have unfortunately have seen it with enough family members to know hat. Just because you want to have sexual relations with other people and not appreciate your partner doesn't mean you are allowed to do that. Leave them if you that selfish. That's my opinion on that.

So once again I wasn't trying to make anyone mad, simply expressing my opinion.

BTW I didn't realize the name way Kristin. They said "Christine" and I went with the closest spelling. my apologies to her as well.

Asche- Glad to hear your thoughts on the family/ society affects on trans people.

Paige- yes you are also right. I did jump a little soon off the boat to make a conclusion and fell into the water. I'm sure my opinion probably wasn't not too far off, but yea without knowing the real story, who really knows other than them.

[Arch]

I blame my mother for twisting me up in a lot of ways, partly BECAUSE I was already trans and wasn't what she expected in a "daughter." Did she or my father make me trans? Not on your life. I firmly feel that I was born trans. Nothing else really explains me in any satisfactory way.

Parents can rightly blame themselves for a lot of things, but I doubt that transness is one of them.

[Jessica Merriman]

 I COULD CARE LESS HOW THE CISGENDER WORLD COPES!!! It is their social construct that makes us have to do things the way we do!! None of us want to deceive or mislead, but we have to for survival sake. When a trans person hits the wall and has to transition all avenues have been exhausted so they should be congratulated and acknowledged for what they have lived through and done all those years for everyone, BUT themselves. Cis can get over it and I will never coddle to them. Patiently educate yes, worry more about their feelings than mine? NEVER!

If a Cis gender person is having an issue they can seek therapy just as we have to. Cis put us through a ringer every day of our lives with comments, insults, disowning's, murder and so much more. My sympathy is with anyone trans because I have fought right beside them and always will. You want to judge and give your opinion fine! Present, go on HRT, full time status, change your name and every other document and walk a mile in our shoes! THEN your opinion will be valid to me. DO NOT judge without being in the trenches with us who are out there every day doing the best we can. I applaud Steph who had the courage to appear on national television as her real self. She did me and the community very proud holding herself in check. I count her as my sister on this journey and will allow no one to judge her if they themselves have not made the journey yet.

[Jessica Merriman]

The slow down part was suggested as a way to help her with the emotional side of things and learn to understand how the decision affects everyone.

That is for her and her therapist to decide, NOT you or Phil who I hesitate to call a doctor! They (Steph and her therapist) will decide that and decide the correct course and speed.

The transgender woman hadn't even started any hormones and she was already going out dressed up and seeing other people.

I started presenting long before HRT myself. You better stop now as you are digging a huge hole with me. I am trying to keep calm and civil, but some of what you say is not correct at all or the mindset you need to be in to claim Trans status. Maybe therapy will help you redirect the popular societal thoughts you carry with you. I hope so.

[stephaniec]

I think we're falling into that pit that the Springer's and the Geraldo's and the Dr. Phil's of our world set up to make their money.

[Jill F]

What did I say to all of my family and friends who played the BS "collateral damage" card?

Get over it.  Your "suffering" is 100% self-inflicted, and you're the one who needs to "suck it up" because I'm effing done playing that game. 

It worked.