Been on this site before but underwent a bad denial faze and tryed to tell myself (again) I don't wan to be a girl, but ofcourse it came back with a vengeance even worse then before (again). Ugggh, im just turned 21, been dealing with this for to long, poped up a few times as a kid and became a monster at 17, for the longest time iv felt like i was battling a terrible curse i could not stop, pretty much ruined my teen life with depression anxiety and way to much drugs. Has taken alot to accept this fully, i know for sure what i want even tho it still feels wrong to me, but im just simply terrified tbh and dont have much support. Only people who know are my mom and gf, tho they csnt offer much support, has led to alot of problems with the gf lately even tho shes accepted it before. One of my main problems is i absolutely can not fathom having to tell my father and friends, the thought fills me with dread. Seeing as i know how they will they will take it and i will lise them, and thats a big deal seeing as i dont have many close people in my life. Another big problem is therapy, getting the right therapist and being able to afford it, im poor and the state i live in doesnt have many options for us. Iv been wanting to start some sort of progres towards hrt but it feels so out of reach, and i dont know how long i can stand this anymore, im not suicidal, but its always felt like its the only way out and only way it will end :/ and if i could get on hrt there is the problem of infertility which is a big issue. Just meh, im at my wits end with this stuff, cant even get out of bed anymore. But whatever, not trying to pity party myself, just needed a rant. But im hoping to be able to fit in here because the place seems nice. Thanks for reading my long rambling i guess lol, ta ta
