Not sure what to do

[Eedjii]

Hi, new member here!

I'm just battling a part of me that resurfaced. The part of me that really wants to be a woman.

I am perfectly fine with my body and am happy with my male role. But I just cannot stop thinking about how much better it would be if I were born a cis woman.

I constantly look at pictures of women in nice dresses and envision it being me there.

Even since I was a little kid, I would always play as a girl when I played video games. It was just fun for me. I even pretended to be a girl in a mmo before. It just felt good.

I'm just not sure what to do :/ I'm not sure if I should tell my wife, I really want to but am scared of her reaction.

I know that I don't want to transition at all. I brought up the idea with my family, and after the chaos that ensued figured its not right for me.

But I just wonder if I could express myself through other means such as through video games or something. I'm sorry if that comes across as offensive or something.

I just wonder if I express my fantasies and dreams through other means if I could get satisfaction.

Sorry if this doesn't make any sense, and thanks for reading

EDIT: I should also state that I am not even sure if I am transgender, all I know is that I wish I were a cis woman

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. While I think you are transsexual, the only opinion that matters is yours. Trying to suppress the urges is a dangerous game. A few have found comfort cross dressing. More live comfortably without surgery. The remainder of us need the surgery to feel complete. What would make you happy is the real question and again, you have to provide that answer. I can help you a bit more. Youtube has a series of videos called "the transition channel"  and you will have your answer to what you are. They are very well done video right out of one of my therapy sessions. Think about this and let us know if there is anything else you want to know or we can help you with. Posting to this thread will notify anyone who has posted here that an update is available and we will return to look at your new post.


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[Qrachel]

Hi - It sounds so reasonable and maybe even a bit cliche, but see a gender therapist. 

Keep posting here and welcome aboard; it's a great place.

Rachel

[LizK]

Keep going, keep asking questions, who decided it was a better idea you not transition you or your family? You are the person who need to be happy, it is your life and you deserve to give yourself the chance to explore what is right for you. If you don't do it now when will you do it...and I agree with Qrachael. find yourself a good gender therapist to help you sort it out.

Good luck
Sarah

[Obfuskatie]

Hi and welcome,
Since you have some of the lingo down, I'm guessing you've given this a bit more thought than you are stating outright. If you could inventory how much you ponder on typically dysphoric/trans thoughts, are they increasing in frequency and urgency? If not, you may be able to set them aside as long as it isn't a day to day drain on your psyche, and it may get worse or better.
My advice would be to experiment. Whether in the privacy of your own home or among the anonymity of a cross dressing group or drag group, find another outlet for your femininity. If you can find a safe place to express your feminine side and interact with an open-minded person or people, that could be all you need: time to inhabit a feminine role.
Never be ashamed of who you are, wherever on the gender spectrum you lie. And don't allow the chaos of one unsupportive time with your family deter you from being a whole person.
Being trans isn't a choice, although it may take a while to come to the precipice as it's different for every person. If you are trans, you'll eventually figure it out, but the sooner the better, so find a good gender therapist if you can.


     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Eedjii]

Thanks for the advice everyone, but I'm just not sure if i could go to a therapist, at least not for now.

And katie, do you have any suggestions for ways to express my feminine side that don't involve dressing up or anything?

I have tried playing with lipstick and loved it, wearing a dress, loved it and everything, but I'm just not sure if I want to put my wife through all of that.

And yes, I have explored this before, and I have even picked a name for the female side of me.

-Emma

[Jessirules]

Emma , you could always start small, women's underware, socks, belt. Noone would know but you!

Jessi

[Dena]

The worst thing you can do is nothing because it just gets worst. The pain wears down your defenses and it becomes even harder to contain. In any marriage, the thing that holds it together is the truth. If you are not truthful your partner will sense something is wrong but not know what it is. Will a marriage last with this truth? It seems the odds are about 50/50. Should you tell her right way, no. Watch the videos and ask a few questions around here so you can come to grips with what you are. Next comes gender therapy and your wife in what ever order you are comfortable with.

To continue as you are will mean you continue to live in pain. The only way out of it will be to face your problem. I was there many years ago and made the decision to face my problems. For the last 33 years I have been pain free and happy even through the worst life had to give me. Transition only if it's what you need but don't stay where you are.

[LizK]

Sounds like you have put a bit of thought and effort into this. I would like to say to you don't be so quick to dismiss "Putting your wife through it"

This kind of thinking stopped me about 16 years ago and here I am now having just come out to all my family and preparing to work through exactly how far I need to go to be happy and I have ruled nothing out with the exception of SRS (I am not physically fit enough to with stand this kind of surgery) and I have great support.

The point I wanted to make is how will you manage in your life for the next 5 years if you do not explore the depth of your feelings. I just wish I had the courage back then to do to keep going with it but I could see how much it was hurting my wife and I "didn't want to put her through it" How much fun do you think the next 16 years were for her and despite not wanting to "put her through it" I have anyway. I would be 16 years further into my transition, the timing is better to do it now and is working for all involved at the moment. I am still in the very early stages but making steady progress and I am happier already.

Don't dismiss how you feel, it won't be an easy road but the reward is a complete happier you...not a bad prize is it?

Sarah T

[Qrachel]

Hi Again:

It's admirable that you want to avoid potentially hurting your wife. 

If you bury this or try to manage it in secrecy, you'll quite likely bring serious pain and discomfort to you both.  This isn't to say going slow and understanding yourself might not be helpful - if that's what you are doing.  If you are seeking some cloistered way to express and release your discomfort, then you may have begun the all too familiar cycle of denial, abstinence, shame, closeted release and so on.

So many of us here know that path well, and I am not afraid to say I wish I would have stepped off of it sooner, much sooner.  But as you've probably heard we come out when we can.  Is it time for you?  Only you know but in considering this be aware the ladies who have gone before you know the sooner the better.

In the mean time, please stay in regular touch, post here, ask questions, express yourself . . . keeping this matter in conversation is important to your overall well-being.  And besides, there's a togetherness in being connected that just feels good and hopefully you find that too.  Others will have much to say over time here, and your being a part of the dialog helps everyone in you doing so.

We get where you are and offer our hand as we can to be there for you as friends and sisters. 

Take good care,

Rachel