Unsure of what to do

[Unsureofwhattodo]

So I never thought I was anything but heterosexual until around my 24th birthday when I started venturing into the tumblr section of pornography.  I found transsexual or "sissy" porn.  I've always been into interracial porn and have found somewhat of a link between these two types of pornographys, at least on tumblr.com.  But I kept watching.  I started to dig deeper.  Watching transsexual porn, sissy hypno porn and more.  Now I just dig deeper and deeper.  I find myself definitely attracted to the human penis but not sure how attracted I am to men.  Except when I think "If I were a woman" I would be attracted to men.  I would feel comfortable being with a man, if I were a woman, but not as a man.  I'm attracted to women too, for sure, but am sexually frustrated and haven't been able to get with more than maybe 1 or 2 women in my life.  I'm a good looking guy though, don't get me wrong.  I just find myself awkward and short (I'm only 64 1/2 inches tall).  I'm starting to like all things feminine.  Whether it be the clothes, the hair, the glamour.  I crossdressed a little but threw all the clothes out because it made me feel guilty.  I just feel life would be much better being a female.  I would be able to have sex more and I'd feel way more comfortable.  Is it rare for males to suppress the feelings of TG until they're 24 years old subconsciously?  I turned 25 in June and I realize I have my whole life ahead of me still.  I suffer from depression and feel that depression would go away a lot if I could become a woman.  The problem though, my parents.  It's not that my Mom and Dad wouldn't be accepting, but I find I wouldn't want to ever face them again if I were a woman.  I've been their son their whole life and I wouldn't want my Mom to think of me as a woman when she's thought of me as a man my whole life.  I wish there was someway I could run away and become TG somewhere else...but I don't have the means or ends to do this.  Any advice?           Idk.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's place. I am not sure what advice you are after but I will attempt to answer a question or two. We have members who discover themselves at 50 to 60 years of age, I knew at age 13 and some know as early as age 3. The age of discovery or your sexual preference make you no more or less transsexual. We are all equal in dealing with this problem and you will fit right in here. I sense that you are still unsure about what you feel. This is pretty common among all of us. When you live as many years in your birth gender as many of us do, we question how we can have these feeling and we question if they are false. If what I have said is correct, then I suggest you go to youtube and request "the transition channel" while therapy is the next step, these videos will help you explore your feelings and make you more sure about entering therapy. If I can help you with anything else, let me know.
Good luck on your journey.

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[Ms Grace]

Welcome to the forum. You should keep in mind that a lot of porn is quite toxic and degrading and people who over indulge in it can find it warps their general sexual outlook. That said, it may be that you are same sex attracted or transgender and you might not be. Being sexually attracted to the penis "but only if you were a woman" can have plenty of possible causes. I'd strongly suggest speaking to a counsellor, one who specialises in sexual health and gender identity. Male-to-female gender transition and living your life as a woman has many more dimensions to it than sexual desires alone.

[lostcharlie]

What Dena and Ms Grace said !! Find a good therapist to help you work your way through all these feelings and thoughts your having.

[MelissaB]

I can really relate to a lot in your post.  I didn't have my first experience with a guy until my early twenties.  It was OK but not quite right somehow for me which just made me more confused.  Fast forward a bunch of years and I realize that I was with a gay man and what I wanted/needed was to be a woman with a straight man.

When I was younger I had girlfriends, but not that many, and for sure less than what I could or should of had "on paper."    Looking back now I see some traits and feelings that I had along the way of otherwise being a fairly "normal" boy.  Like playing dress up in dresses and only stopping until I started to feel guilty over how people looked at me.

As far as the tumblr "sissy hypnos" go... I can relate there as well.  About four years ago I was surfing for porn and came across one of those and watched it.  It was a pretty incredible experience - I felt like inside me a dam broke and all these years of repressed feelings and hidden desires suddenly came rushing out.  It caused me to look back on my life and see a lot of "signs" that were not quite obvious at the time.  I don't believe that watching that will turn you gay or turn you TG.  For my own part it just triggered the release of things I didn't even realize I had been suppressing.  If I didn't have anything suppressed, then watching the video would have had little impact.

I would agree with Ms Grace to be careful as porn can be quite toxic and potentially addictive.  Personally, I don't like the stuff that is degrading so finding something that is not degrading but in the wheelhouse of what I like can be tricky. 

The good news is your on here and can get some really good advice from other people that can relate.

You mention having parents that you believe would be supportive, but you are also deathly afraid of disappointing them.  I feel completely the same way.  It is amazing what we can and will suppress/endure to avoid letting down those we love.  It's interesting we worry most about disappointing Mom, isn't it?

Last few thoughts for you.

You are correct in stating that you are young and have your whole life ahead of you.  I am not so young so will give you this caution - what you are feeling is not going to go away... ever.  Not matter how thoroughly you purge next time, no matter how many girlfriends you have, no matter how much spare time you spend playing sports.  You will never escape from who you are.  So...

Take the good advice posted on here previously if you have not done that yet.  Get yourself to a good therapist that works with transgender people.  Nobody close to you will know unless you decide to tell them - there is no risk.  Going to the therapist will help you sort out how to cope with how you feel.  The good news is you are young and have a lot of years ahead of you, to transition and live as a woman, or to move forward understanding and accepting all of who you are and with some ways to cope with how you feel without transitioning.

Good luck

[Sophia Sage]

Being a woman is so much more than how you have sex.

• What kind of relationships do you want?
  How do you feel about being subjected to systematic inequalities?
  What face do you want to see in the mirror every day?
  Are you willing to be judged by completely different standards?
  And, of course, do you think you could elicit consistent female gendering from other people if you transitioned?

The good news is that you're young.  You really are.  And you might be surprised how willing certain people in your life may accept who you really are.  I transitioned in my early thirties (I was fully repressed until then, not unlike you), and it was quite a blow to my parents and sister, especially when I made it clear to them that our relationship would only continue if they could get to a place where they fully accepted and treated me as their daughter. (I was lucky -- they all came through with flying colors.)

If you're really serious about exploring this, start seeing a therapist, get started on electrolysis, and practice developing a female voice.  And, most importantly, examine how you really feel about all this.

[Amanda_Combs]

On the point of whether 24 is late to realize you're trans*, I didn't realize it until I was 25, and many realize much older than that.  I, much like yourself, have depression and panic that I'm fairly certain would go away with transition. 


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[Rachel]

As recommended, see a gender therapist.

With my 1st therapist she asked if I ever viewed porn. I said no. She gave me access to a site with 10,000 30 second porn clips. There were sections for every type of porn. I was told I needed to look at no less than 5 clips and I should look at all the types of sex on the site. The site was guaranteed to no have pop-ups or spam.

The next week she asked if I did my assignment. I said yes. She asked how many did I look at. I said 5. She asked why only 5. I said I had no desire to continue. She then asked if I looked at all the types of porn and I said yes. She then said what types did I pick. I said trans sex. Then asked what type of sex and it went from there.

She taught sexuality at U of P. She commented that it made sense and was consistent.