shrinks and crying

[Joanne Feliz]

Haven't been on this site for some time but thought I would say hiya 

I managed to get referred to a psychiatrist that specialises in gender dysphoria. Is a bit nerve racking going into see this person especially since i'm dressed for work (went AWOL at work).  Now,  Ive never seen a psychiatrist before so I was a little bit nervous.  Of course he managed to notice that and that made me even more apprehensive.

Basically he asked me how I would like to be called,  if I wanted to be called Joanna etc...,  I said I preferred not to at this stage(mainly because Im not sure if that's the name i will adopted - is a long story but my dad used to tease me with that name).

So basically he is asking a big bunch of questions about my life and when I go back to my childhood or talk about my parents and this issue I get SUPER emotional and start crying.  I know I am an emotional person but I think the Dr thinks it is abnormal to be so emotional.

I did that twice already on both visits that I went too.  Is like a gaping wound I suppose this trans issue.  I hate it and I was telling the doctor that this issue is constantly on my mind and holding me from moving forward.

Anyway he ordered bloodworks, all of the hormones like prolactin, estrogen, T etc...he said that he would explain all of the consequences of taking hormones next session.  I am looking forward to the session but I am still nervous about moving forward.  Am I doing the right thing, what will happen with my wife(will she still love me?), am I being selfish or stupid, will it ruin my child's life etc...

When I went to get the bloodtest done,  I got a real strange look from the old lady taking the blood bless her!  Not surprising since it said gender dysphoria on the note - i did feel a little self conscious but we both laughed it off.

My wife has been super supportive and has been watching a lot of videos on trans people etc...She says I need to have my forehead shaved and brow too and my hair and nose (new face).  Also she jokes about high heels and i will find out soon enough what a pain they are.

I hope we will still be together if i do take hormones I would be so lonely without her.

Anyway I have been surfing the youtube watching all of the transformation videos and all of the vblogs etc of transwomen been giving me strength and hope that maybe i can be myself too.  Is difficult when you have built up wall upon wall of masculine persona to hide yourself with.

I just hope my wife can see I will still be the same person just with a different skin.

Anyway I am determined not to cry at my next visit to the shrink.

[Lady Smith]

Tears and therapists just seem to go together when it comes to transition and gender dysphoria Joanne.  I would hate to think how many bucketfuls I wept when I was going through transition, - it just seems to go with the territory.  Tears are good though and are ultimately healing so if you need to have a darn good cry it's best to let it happen.  Growing up I would imagine that like me you would have got the, 'Big boys don't cry' thing, but you're a woman so you don't need to worry about that anymore.

Good luck on your journey.

Anne

[Joanne Feliz]

Thanks Anne,

is good to know that it is normal to cry and to let it out. I definitely feel a lot better for talking about it. Is funny because of all the expectations of being the only boy I felt a lot of pressure to not let anyone down,,,,whatever that means.  Now I am soon to be a dad too so I feel a lot of pressure to conform  very confusing and frustrating.

Hey I really like your avatar picture and really like the clothes your wearing(if that's you)  I even searched for bronze age dresses some time ago to see if I could find something similar but to no avail 

[Lady Smith]

No Joanne that's not me in my avatar, - it's a very good illustration of a woman smith I found on line.  That said I do look a lot like my avatar which is the reason I chose it.  In my former life I was a heavy truck mechanic and metal working seemed to be a constant amongst my ancestors for as far back as I've been able to research so that's why I chose the forum name 'Lady Smith'.  I'm 61 having transitioned over 23 years ago now and I have a number of health problems so I don't do very much beating on hot metal these days, but I still maintain a level of interest in metalwork and making things.

I have two now adult children in their late twenties and they were very young when I finally had to face facts and begin my transition so I know very well what it is like to be pressured by other people to conform to expectations.  Both my children are my greatest friends and allies so I can tell you from my own experience that you can still be a good 'Dad' even if you are a woman.

For a short while I looked into re-enacting, but had to give up on the idea once I became my elderly Mum's caregiver.  For anything in a Bronze Age style I think you are going to need to get the needles and thread out and make your own dresses unfortunately.

[JoanneB]

Both of my therapists loved to castigate me about my drive to know, or worse control, the future. I can blame it as an occupational hazard of planning for just about every stupid thing a customer, or worse a doctor, or even worse the salesperson, can do with something I designed to break it or otherwise cause harm like killing someone. Sometimes it is a good thing to overthink think things.

In real life, despite all my best efforts I still have not been able to guarantee any outcomes. Best laid plans often do go astray. Time for plan B or C or.... Throughout these past 6 years of me finally dealing with being trans my wife and I are still together. It is often far from having been easy, especially for her. It took work on both our parts. It was natural for us to put in the effort for "The Us"

Life is a series of compromises. Life is not always getting what you want or perhaps when you want it. I'm sure your wife, like mine, did want to be along for this ride. Mine knew about my GD from day 1 over 30 years ago. But I had settled on being just a cross-dresser and a hundred other things to stuff my true feelings. The one hope wish and dream I had all my life that could not, would not, ever leave me.

One day at a time
One baby step at a time

[IdontEven]

Is difficult when you have built up wall upon wall of masculine persona to hide yourself with.

This this thisity this. At this point I basically have a dude-bro in my head that tells me not to do transitiony things and then tells me the results are horrible when I do them anyways. Dude-bro doesn't care that transitioning brings me happiness and makes me want to actually continue living for the first time ever, only that I'm not living up to the masculine persona.

And I really wouldn't worry about crying in front of a therapist, it's -supposed- to be about getting your emotions out on the table so you can deal with them. There's a reason they all have a box of tissues handy