(Haha, this got really long; I tend to do this on sites relating to LGBTA+ because I have no one to talk to these things about, I think...I dunno. I talk a lot.)
Hello, everyone! Stumbled across the site today while anxiously googling all things FtM. For the past few days, I've been seriously thinking that I'm trans, even though now I can't remember what it was that got me thinking that. I've always been a masculine girl, I've always hated traditional female roles, always had a hard time relating to men as a female and wishing men would treat me like just another dude. I've always looked wistfully at men and thought, "I wish I was that," but I guess I thought I was just really butch.
But recently, I told my best friend I really liked her, and she returned my feelings, and we're sort of dating now. But I don't feel gay, and I would never describe myself as a lesbian -- that term just feels wrong to me. So now I'm investigating the trans* world and wondering about my place in it. I have a few friends who are transmen, but at this time I don't feel comfortable talking to them about these things. (Though if you are one of my friends and you've already spotted me, by all means, call me out on it; the cat's out of the bag now, after all.)
I'm not sure where I was going with this. I guess that's it, that I'm newly thinking of myself as FtM, and honestly, it's been such a mind blowing thought. Like, when I picture myself as a man, when I think of myself as a man, suddenly everything feels right. All my meaningless anxiety falls away, so many past experiences make sense, and I can't help but feel that this is correct. But I am an anxious, cowardly person, and I'm afraid of making mistakes and making decisions without proper research (a habit I'm trying to break, honestly), so I'm hesitant to call myself 100% for sure transman, because, well, I don't know. There's no reason for it, but it's how I feel.
Two main sources of my anxiety (I started out with maybe a dozen anxieties, but through research I've narrowed it down to just a few, so I guess that's progress!) --
1) Coming out to my parents. I suspect my father won't care that much about it. I've considered taking the name of his favorite uncle, since it would keep my initials the same and is similar to my birth name, and I believe had I been born a boy, there's a good chance my parents would have named me after said uncle. My mother, on the other hand... I am her only daughter; she has two sons. She's always been very girly, very into makeup, and I never have been, and I've always felt like a failure and an abomination for it. We've had shouting matches over me wearing a boy's tank top, or wanting to buy a T-shirt from the men's section. That kind of thing. And while deep down I feel she probably wont' care that much -- I'm basically a boy with breasts, as is, anyway -- I worry this will be the final disappointment, and she'll be sad. But that's life, I guess. I can't let my parents desires control my life.
2) My bigger worry, which, again, is likely nothing to worry about, is about my girlfriend. Now, she knows I'm masculine. She often refers to me as a guy and a boy, and when we were first getting to know each other, there were times when I would do something that I considered perfectly normal, and she'd laugh and say, "God, you're such a boy!" But in a tone that suggested she found it charming rather than offensive or off-putting. When we met, she was out as bi, and she's not shy about liking both men and women (both cis and trans), but she says she can't picture herself ever marrying a man, and I worry about two things --
a) That she will not like me telling her I am trans. I really like her (I'm anxious to use the word "love", but I do love her), and I don't want to jeopardize our relationship, but also I don't want to not be who I am because of someone else's hang ups. I haven't talked to her about this, and I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
b) Say she is alright with me being trans, and is totally cool with it. I've been reading that T can cause changes in mood. I worry that it might affect my personality to the point where she doesn't like me anymore. I don't know enough about transitioning to know if this is a reasonable fear.
I purposefully avoided dating until now because I knew I hadn't gotten myself figured out yet, and I wanted to get things sorted before devoting time and energy to another person, but this girl tricked me into loving her, and I guess that's that. (Edit: I don't mean that she maliciously tricked me into loving her; she actually had a major crush on me for a full year before I figured out how I felt about her. I just mean I fell in love when I was purposefully trying to avoid it.)
So, I guess that's where I'm at right now. I start another year of college at the end of September, and am looking into getting my own apartment. I'm hoping that when I have my own place, and I'm not seeing my parents day in and day out, I'll be more comfortable exploring my gender. I want to buy mens clothes, try a binder, drive to towns a few hours away and walk around as if I am a man and see how it feels, that kind of thing. I want to get a feel for it. I mean, I say that as I'm sitting here in a mens t-shirt with a tank top under it to make my chest smoother/smaller, which is my norm, but you know, I want to try going a bit further with it before I talk to anyone about it.
This got really long and rambles a bit, sorry about that. Thank you for checking it out.
