Super confused :'(

[chloeD33]

Hey guys. I am due to go onto estrogen October 16. Recently I have been coming to terms with myself. But I am still lost on one aspect. Who am I? I know I am NOT masculine (atleast not like most men), nor am i super femme but I like to be! I'm like like 65% femme, 15% masculine, 20% either or. I look to my younger years and can not remember I time I hated being a boy, just that I wish I could have the power to be a girl when I wanted, or wish I was born as such. But as a kid being a boy never made me depressed of itself. When testosterone kicked in it made life more miserable. The effects of T are like poison to me. On T blockers, it has made life much easier. But now I am lost... Am I a true( trans) woman, or as a native, two spirited. I think I am trans as I want my penis gone , hate my facial hair and body hair, love dressing up, feel a calm when I think about living as a woman, yet I also like to crack jokes with some male co-workers and such... What am I? This hurts a lot

[Devlyn]

Big hug! This calls for the classic "You're you!" response.    You look young, so I'll clue you in. I'm 53 and my idea of who I am is still changing. I imagine you'll find yourself in the same boat someday. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[chloeD33]

I was also super depressed as a total male, yet when I began living full-time female I was very, in edge... It was a incant believe this is happening. To calm myself I had to remember about the few good/calm times I had as a male (perticulaly before the actual dysporia)... I mixed in the best of old male side... The calmer side ( as in not the depression but the ability to have a brain dead moment) with the ability of being truly happy of the female side ( as opposed at the beginning I was like very excited/alert socially... I could not believe I was living out.... I hated the excitement high and did all I could to get to life).... I still want estrogen as I think it will do me well, i fell rather happy these days, but to go back as a man and claim to be one brings a lot of hurt and even opens more dysporia... Even if i live andro (i think is word) tyle but what is your takes?

[chloeD33]

*hugs* thanks girl... I'm sure I will. Like I said if I was born a girl the way I should have... There is no doubt I would have grown up and still would be tom-boy with regular/typical girl tendencys... Like no 80%+ femme and the rest mixed or maleish..... But I dislike my body, it brings me anxiety and pain and I know I would do anything to rid myself of the male aspects... But I still got some male tendencies I enjoy, though fewer then my femme.. I just dont want to be hurt anymore !

[KristinaM]

There is no one way to be trans. You can be whatever you want, however you want, whenever you want! Just be aware of all the possible effects of any medication you take to be sure it's what you want. Same with surgeries or any other treatments. You can be a tom-boy if you want, or you can flip-flop day to day. I still enjoy going brain dead from time to time myself.

[Qrachel]

Hi-

The way to be trans is to be who you are so that you have a life you love and live it fully.

Rachel

[Ms Grace]

Women also crack jokes with the guys...

[Skylar1992]

I already identify myself as a tomboy and will never be the stereotype female, it's just what feels most comfortable for you, when I am fully transitioned, I will still be likely wearing most of the same stuff I wear now and act totally the same   

[chloeD33]

Women also crack jokes with the guys...

.... I understand and by no means trying to be sexist or what not. I just want to make sure I am an ace to transition still.. Sometimes I feel like a fake, yet by no means ever wana go back as a man, or trying to be masculine.... I love what I am inside now, just hope I can make sure I know what I want on the outside.. Facial hair and the one eyed trouser snake are among the things I hate most tho. And thanks everyone for the open ears and suggestions

[Laura_7]

.... I understand and by no means trying to be sexist or what not. I just want to make sure I am an ace to transition still.. Sometimes I feel like a fake, yet by no means ever wana go back as a man, or trying to be masculine.... I love what I am inside now, just hope I can make sure I know what I want on the outside.. Facial hair and the one eyed trouser snake are among the things I hate most tho. And thanks everyone for the open ears and suggestions

*hugs*

[Shads]

I understand the feeling fake part.  I have felt this way most of my life.  I have no words other than a virtual heartfelt *hug*

[chloeD33]

Thanks ^^ <3

[CarlyMcx]

Last I saw, Caitlyn Jenner is still playing golf and driving ATV's and sports cars and flying remote control helicopters.  There is no law that says you can't be a girl who is a little bit butch in some parts of her life.  If you want to wear camouflage leggings and steel toe boots, then go for it.

I have a cute little (adult) cisgender daughter who likes to go to cigar parlors and smoke a cigar with the guys every once in a while.  Your gender is for you to define, not for you to try to fit into a predefined role set by society or anyone else.

[Sapphire87]

Sometimes I feel like a fake, yet by no means ever wana go back as a man, or trying to be masculine....

I actually went through quite a bit of depression due to that feeling of being fake, it wasn't pretty. Luckily i was able to see someone about it and get through most of my issues.

[sparrow]

Wow, you're not on estrogen already?  Kinda jealous... I wish I had curves.  Even one curve (well... maybe two... one would be asymmetric and weird).  Sorry, getting side-tracked here.

I'm at a similar point -- wtf am I?  Like when my mom asked me if I'm "becoming a crossdresser," no mom, crossdressers are a construct of the gender binary.  Early on in coming out socially to myself and my wife, I tried to act feminine, whatever the hell that means... anyway... key words: tried to and act.  Eff it, I'm me.  I've got a baritone voice, I tell inappropriate jokes.  Cuss like a sailor.  Walk 10mph with my back straight and head held high (except in that one flowy skirt that tangles my legs up at 3mph.)  I don't wipe my dipstick off on my pants when I check the oil anymore, though.

So long as I don't think about definitions, I'm happy.  When I start looking at myself through a bigoted outsider's eyes, then I come undone.  Lessons: 1) Stop thinking about what others think.  2) Do you.  If I ever learn  to follow those lessons, I'll share the secret, I promise.

I keep wondering "do I really need to be on estrogen to be happy?"  and "won't I be happier if I can hide my gender and pass as a cisguy when in enemy territory?" and so on.  Oddly, the thought of removing my patch, or not putting the next one on, doesn't present itself in a serious manner. 

[chloeD33]

Omg thanks! And yes not on E yet... Plan to soon, one day soon !