Thinking of coming out

[Hannah Samira]

Hiya, it's been a while since I posted on here but I just wanted to give everyone a little bit of an update!!

I'm still in the closet and haven't made any progress with transitioning (booo!!) but I have made a good friend in Alyssa who is also a transwoman and lives in the city in which I go to uni (yaaaaay!!) We've agreed to go to our local transgroup at some point in the near future which we're both really excited for!! I really just want to be able to dress how I want and wear makeup and a wig while in the company of other transpeople who have been in the same situation I am in.

Although I don't want to broach the subject with her until I go to the transgroup and see how I feel about it, I really feel like I need to come out to my girlfriend. I have tried to suggest that there's something up but she really, really doesn't pick up on these hints (e.g. "I would love to see what it would be like to be a woman" - she didn't pick up on that!!) I obviously don't want to lose her because I love her, so I'm scared that she won't want to stay in a relationship with me anymore. Even if she did stay with me I'm worried about the effect and strain that this would have on the relationship!!

I was just wondering if there was anyone out there who could give me some advice; any steps I could take so that I don't just drop a bombshell on her!!

xxx

[Yenneffer]

Hey how are you 😊

[Hannah Samira]

Hey how are you 😊

I'm good thanks, I'm just trying to move along with transitioning so I need to come out to the people who matter most to me at some point!!

[Isabelle]

My advice, start hrt. Don't worry about tellin anyone if you don't want to. It's no ones business but yours. If you need to, consider getting some therapy. If you need to, consider going to some type of support group or something. It's your life though. It's your body. No body else matters. As for your girlfriend, again, when you're first starting hrt, it's none of her business. You should tell her only when you feel like it's relavent to your relationship together. You can be on hrt for a while before anyone will notice anything. Anyone who sees you everyday won't pick up on the changes much. Just worry about you. In 20 years, you're the one that has to live with the consequences. Do you think she'll be around in 20 years? Every trans* person I know says the same thing a few years after transitioning. "Why didn't I start earlier?"
I'm no different. I wish I'd pushed harder to start hrt earlier. You don't need to transition socially to take hrt. But, it makes a world of difference. The younger you start, the better it will act on your body.

[Squircle]

Well, if you have made your mind up to transition then there's no way of avoiding telling her. You can, as Isabelle says, start hrt without telling her, and if you are still on the fence about a full transition then that could be an option. I think though if it's definitely going to happen then you owe it to her to be honest. It is a big deal and there's a good chance that she will end the relationship, but then she might not. But I think you have to give her the chance to decide that for herself.

I've been through this myself, there's no easy way unfortunately. My need to transition brought an 11 year relationship to an end, which broke my heart. We are still best friends though, and I totally respect her decision; at the end of the day, she isn't attracted to women.

[KristinaM]

If you've been together a while, love each other, and trust each other, then staring HRT behind her back could be seen as a betrayal of trust.  Just because you're not married doesn't mean she doesn't have a stake in this relationship.

Tell her you are or you think you might be trans and that you've been researching it a while and you've come to the conclusion that low dose HRT is seen as a good litmus test for if you are or for how much you are, etc...  If she cares for you, then she'll understand and want you to be happy.  But do reassure her that it's not going to transform you into a girl overnight, she'll have time to adapt herself if she's hesitant about it, or she can jump ship if need be.

If she's a new g/f though that you're only loosely attached to, then hiding it isn't so bad, lol.

Good luck!

[estropunk]

It's an individual decision that you need to make for yourself (and one that just about everyone I know says they wish they'd made earlier), but it's also a decision that does affect the person you're with (particularly if this is a long term partnership), so as hard as it is, it's something she needs to know about. I've always seen transitioning as a way of finally being honest about who you are - to yourself and to everyone around you. Your partner is a good person to start with.

Good luck.