Do you trust your memories to be accurate?

[Tessa James]

Many of us who accept ourselves as transgender do so with considerable recollections, in and out of therapy, that help us assemble a realistic narrative of our past lives.  Some will have repressed events and maybe even years of our lives that were/are too painful to deal with.  We may have left a trail of clues and hints that kept gender a recurrent thought.

I am fortunate to have a large family and, then, a distinctly different perspective from each of them about our shared family lives.  We know from the social sciences and courtroom dramas how inaccurate even our recent memories can be. 

A good friend and I recently talked about the possibility of "pink washing" our memories in efforts to make sense of our transgender history.  I do focus on the here and now as the only time I can be sure of but what of our memories?  How sure are you of your cherished or reviled history and memories?  Do you pink or blue wash your past?  How valuable are our memories?  Thanks for sharing yours!!

[Laura_7]

There are quite a few people who say they can remember only a part of the memory they made under the influence of their old hormone setup...

this is not to doubt accuracy...

for some its like a fading... and more recent memories are more in the foreground.

Some of the old memories seem like almost not real... like a dream...


hugs

[Girl Beyond Doubt]

Have I cut a ball in two and placed the halves under my pullover when I was four years old or not?
Have I worn the sheer tights of my aunt when I was five years old or not?
Have I painted my toe nails red using crayons when I was seven years old or not?
Have I put on the shoes of my mother or not?
Do I understand now the reason for the pain I have had all my life or not?

Are my memories accurate or not?

[KathyLauren]

Are my memories accurate?  How would I know?  I was never caught cross-dressing, and I never discussed my gender with anyone prior to joining Susan's, so there is no one to whom I could compare my memories. 

I am what I am,and that's all that I am, and my memories, accurate or not, are what they are.

[Jacqueline]

I seem to have two types of memories from my youth.

1-very vivid specific snapshots that last less than 30 seconds. Like looking at a photo book.
2-vague memories of things. More like visualizing the words from a book. Somewhat specific but not in a way that feels like a true thing that happened to me-almost more like a dream.

there actually is a third but I don't trust that one at all. It is what has been created in my mind, from things I have heard others say.

Much of this is like it happened to someone else. In 6th grade, I started remembering more things in great detail. Now I will loose some things since then but if prodded, it comes back. However, all these memories seem to be credible according to others.

I don't know that I have any color wash over any of it. One of my daughters and her aunt have memories that are romanticized notions of their dreams and others stories (that strikes me as kind of weird). I would call that a wash of something but I don't know of what. I don't think I do that.

Joanna

[Laura_7]

there actually is a third but I don't trust that one at all. It is what has been created in my mind, from things I have heard others say.

Well if you trust your intuition you could kind of look into it... usually a feeling tells you if its true or not...

[Girl Beyond Doubt]

There are the hard facts, things I have done, that leave little room for interpretation.
I remember all my feelings and desires, my fears and dreams, as if I had had them right now.
The most difficult issue for me to understand is how I could not see what I needed to do to fix what was wrong with me, when the answer had been right there within me all the time.

[suzifrommd]

Do you pink or blue wash your past?

I don't think I do, Tessa.

I'm pretty upfront with myself about the fact that I never felt the slightest bit feminine. I've gone over my past like a detective, and picked out a few things that stand out as possible indicators, but I'm pretty discerning about them. Bottom line is that I saw myself as a male, and though I wanted to be a woman in the worst way, it didn't translate to femininity.

[Tessa James]

Perhaps romanticized" is a more complimentary term, thank you Joanna.  My BTGF (best trans girl friend) and I began transition together and we admittedly believed and/or created narratives early on that would fly with the gatekeepers of HRT.  We knew what we wanted and what they expected to hear.  Of course our entire lives have not been one trans or gender related event after another.   Piecing together a trans narrative for easy digestion by friends, coworkers, family and yes, even a therapist is something I think many of us have done.  Do we continue that or get more comfy with a broader perspective as time wears on?

It took me some time to become comfortable with this new reality and to have more breathing room for other than trans issues.  I do want to move forward while including all of my life experiences, not just those that paint a clear and pretty picture. 

Suzi, I have no doubts about your discernment and reflective honesty.  That's just part of your charm!

[Peep]

I feel like fiction and documentary media has a narrative that it likes to use that can be confusing if your own trans narrative doesn't gel with it.

For example, i never was the 'blah i hate dresses dresses are stupid' kind of girl but I don't doubt my true gender. I know that when i was a child i was really into the Lion King and wanted to be Simba (the male lion) and not Nala (the female lion), but is this because Simba was the main (no pun intended) character or because he was male? He's still a lion... and I'm pretty certain I'm not a furry.

To be honest i think some children understand gender a lot more than others. Some of us just probably weren't self aware enough. I know I was still in a fantasy land until I was at least twelve where if you dressed up as a pirate you were a pirate, you didn't have to be Boy Pirate or Girl Pirate.

I am prepared to tell therapists that I just really wanted to be Johnny Depp if it gets me further faster tho. Plus it's still at least 70% true...

[cindianna_jones]

I think it's all in there somewhere. Every once in a while, something will jog my memory about my past. I know that some memories have been hidden, but perhaps not more so than anyone else in any other walk of life. I do remember pain and suffering more than most, I think. Believe me, I'd prefer not to remember some years of my life (especially this last year) but my experiences make me who I am and I draw on them extensively in my writing. That may be why my recall is not diminished compared to many. I don't know.

Cindi

[FriendsCallMeChris]

Do I trust my own memories?  Sadly, no. I've been gaslighted so often that I trust other peoples' memories more than my own and need validation on just about everything.  I'm getting better about it now that I realize where my insecurities came from, but it's slow going.

[Tamika Olivia]

I don't necessarily trust my memories, although I do try to be honest with myself. I do trust logic. I see three posibilities. First, The memories are real. Thus I'm trans. Second, The memories are pink washed because I badly want to justify my gender identity to myself and the world. Thus I'm trans. Third, the memories are pink washed due to delusion. I assume there would be other evidence were this the case, other delusions that could be identified by other people. Two of the three lead to the same conclusion, the third lacks evidence. Logic suggests the trans conclusion is the right one.

[Venom]

No, I don't.

I wouldn't bet anything on my memories being accurate, and I consider myself an unreliable narrator when it comes to anything occurring before 2012. Even my memories from between now and then aren't the best, depression and childhood traumas have made it very difficult to recall anything of importance. I gave up looking for clues in my past when it created more stress than the probability of me being trans did, but I still get frustrated with not knowing for certain when all this began.

Rather than go through my history and injecting "trans signs" whenever I did something unfeminine (which was pretty much all the time, if you ask me), I looked at something more immediate, something I had semi-reliable memories of. My more recent (within the past three years) history, how being treated as male versus female makes me feel, and how happier I am having accepted that I was very likely, never a girl. My family has helped me overcome any doubts I had of my history, for their memories are much, much more accurate and reliable than mine.

All in all, I've become more of the opinion that I'm doing the right thing in transitioning, judging by how much better I feel after taking the steps that I have. It's a huge decision, one I've spent many hours deliberating on. But what I see in transition, that I didn't see in not transitioning, is hope for happiness. Potential for having a better life, one that I am actually living, and not just existing in. I'd rather have tried to go down this path than to never have attempted and live the rest of my life wondering why it feels like I'm missing something.

[warlockmaker]

I am one of the many of us who are writing a sort of autobiography with a ghostwriter. Remembering my past actions, achievemants and mental state of mind are essential. My recollections of my past mental attitude has been frightening to recall and it's these moments that "pink washing" may have been applied subconciously. Throughout my life as a male, I never had depressions, migranes and only saw a therapist for the first time 6 years ago, but this past memory of my agressive actions and ruthlessness as an alpha male are difficult memories for me today.  Yet, I must remember and I know with all the therapy that I may put a "pink washing" on these moments.

[stephaniec]

I remember quite accurately events in my life and I also have a knack for remembering dreams from early  childhood, at least the ones that that seem to have been important to me in understanding myself or were a source of conflict resolution. I can't remember things that happened a day before without thinking about it for a while , but long term I'm pretty good, Like being far sighted.

[SarahSass]

It's kind of funny to see this post, because I've been thinking about this a lot recently. I'm always so fixated on right now, or on what the future will be like that I rarely think about the past anymore. I feel like my fixation on the present is in a way erasing my past. What I remember of growing up is pretty vivid, but there isn't much there when I think about it.

[Jacqueline]

Totally off topic. Sorry.

Cindi Jones, I love your new avatar photo.

Joanna

[cheryl reeves]

I guess I'm a rarity, I remember everything that has happened too me since I was 4.I don't whitewash anything about my past, for I've lived it breathed it and learned from my life experiences.

[Carrie Liz]

Surprisingly, I more or less remember everything from most of my childhood perfectly. My mom took a LOT of videos, especially between age 6 and age 12, so the few parts that I do forget I tend to remember pretty quickly when I actually see the people and places again as they're happening, which leads to more and more memories coming back.

Honestly, I'm not interested in pink-washing my history. As a child I identified as male and was perfectly happy doing so, with my only gender-related issue being that I played with a lot of girls and got made fun of for it a lot, as well as very often being teased, and often that teasing was for being "gay" even though I didn't know what "gay" was at the time.

As a teen the dysphoria started, and I was pretty miserable for most of those years between the dysphoria, the pressure from school work, motivation issues, and still being made fun of the whole time, with the only real bright spots being my hobbies, friends, and two brief kinda-relationships-but-not-really, and yeah, I still remember the whole thing almost perfectly.

I've always had an exceptionally good memory. Every single time Mom and I are reminiscing about things, I remember details that she's shocked I could possibly remember.