Only read if your bored and wanna hear someone complain

[Vendetta]

I just need to complain and get this off my chest  So I was watching the Dallas game yesterday with my best friend/the person I have a crush on.  I was dressed up in girl mode he started too ask me questions about  gender identity we talked for a bit then started talking about hrt and how I just wanna disappear and start over. then he said I would miss the real you. I exploded in my own head like I jus want to be the real me I want to be me on the inside and out I ended up going silent and almost cried game ended  20 min after that I jumped in my car and  went to the mountains  after about 2 hours of randomly exploring the hills  I headed back down to the city but I'm still frustrated. It pretty much confirmed no one around me understands and never will I'm just the weird person in everyone's eyes I wish the end would come sooner tired of feeling like this it needs to stop it all needs to stop.

[leacobb]

Im so sorry vendetta, i really am but i can say i can relate with people around me too. Im seen as crazy lea thats it. Not as female or male and it can be a little frustrating when you have been through so much just to be seen as something your not.. I eould love people around me to say her because they still say he and treat me as female when they still see me as one of the guys.. But i try to not let it get to me by seeing it as they dont understand and they may not be intelligent enough to even try too ( that was a reference to my idiot manager). But there are people who will and it is them people you should focus on. Not so much the negitive ones.. Because more stress is the last thing we all need...
I hope everything works out hunni and good luck xxx

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[Vendetta]

Your right I shouldn't let it affect me like that it hit me hard because it came from 1 out of the 3 people I still have in my  life mabie I should narrow down to two people then when I disappear one less feeling hurt....

[Rejennyrated]

The number of times I've heard people say something along those lines and I always want to ask "yes but don't you think that a teaching opportunity?" I'm really not trying to be clever here, I do know its very difficult when you are so close to the event so to speak...

It is easier now that I'm 30 years postop, but when I read that conversation I think, at least in my head, you probably could have said something like :- 'Yes but that IS the whole point - what you call the "real me" is actually a collosal act that I am constantly putting on, and I want to be allowed to stop and be who I am on the inside please.'

I think the point is that other people can only judge by what they see on the outside looking in, and therefore they need help to understand that, just like an actor, what you project outside is actaully a false persona...

I do feel for you.

[Alexi90]

The number of times I've heard people say something along those lines and I always want to ask "yes but don't you think that a teaching opportunity?" I'm really not trying to be clever here, I do know its very difficult when you are so close to the event so to speak...

It is easier now that I'm 30 years postop, but when I read that conversation I think, at least in my head, you probably could have said something like :- 'Yes but that IS the whole point - what you call the "real me" is actually a collosal act that I am constantly putting on, and I want to be allowed to stop and be who I am on the inside please.'

I think the point is that other people can only judge by what they see on the outside looking in, and therefore they need help to understand that, just like an actor, what you project outside is actaully a false persona...

I do feel for you.

I was about to say the same but people deal with different things differently so I'm surely not telling you how to feel but I always try to put myself in the other person's shoot so I can explain it better to them.

I told my mother one day when she was saying stuff like "Oh well this is because you lived in big cities ect ect" I said it's like borrowing someone's else's cloth, it might fit or even look good on me but you know it doesn't belong to you. I said close your eyes when you dream you dream as you, when you envision yourself you see yourself for me I don't see a guy. I'm not saying it's all great now but she have come a long way because I tried to break it down to her in words she can understand.

I hope that helps <3

[QueenSwag]

Your right I shouldn't let it affect me like that it hit me hard because it came from 1 out of the 3 people I still have in my  life mabie I should narrow down to two people then when I disappear one less feeling hurt....

So sorry the situation unfolded like that, especially when it is someone you are so close to But I truly believe for some people it's just a lack of education or understanding, so there is always hope that learning more will change mindsets for the better. Slowly but surely, things will continue to improve.

Also like that your reaction was to go hiking! I am the same way. When I need to think or am emotional a lot of times I take long walks to clear my head. Can be very helpful.

[KristinaM]

then he said I would miss the real you.

That when you say, "That's the point, the person you used to know wasn't the 'real' me, THIS IS," and then flash him your boobies. 

[Vendetta]

Thanks everyone a lot of valid points and things to keep in mind I probably over reacted. He realized something was wrong and apologized  but I think I was more mad at my self then anything. But anyway emails he keeps sending are pretty entertaining lol


Start from the bottom of the post to read in order if that makes sense


Damn I suck, I probably screwed that one up too lol.   I guess I should've said I would miss the unreal side you show most everyone.  Damn that's a difficult one to say what I mean without saying something stupid. 


I guarantee I'm going to do more stupid ->-bleeped-<- like that, and might not catch myself doing it. I'll need your help too when I do it again, make me aware of it somehow or at least know it's probably just me being dumb lol. 


On Sep 21 wrote:

Dammit I knew that was it, i should have corrected myself. I wanted to. I honestly meant the now you.  My bad, you know I didn't mean it that way.  


On Sep 21, 2015, at 10:39 PM,wrote:


You would miss the real me 

 It Just made me realize this feeling inside will never go away I'll always have to be what every one else considers is the real me and not what I should be it just ->-bleeped-<-ing sucks I don't expect you to understand I'm not mad at you i let it happen I'm Just  ->-bleeped-<-ed in the head 

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