Not sure if I will ever be completely happy

[Sandy74]

I am not sure if I will ever trully be happy when it comes to my cross dressing and my feelings of being transgender. I feel like here and there depending on my living situation that sometimes I just support the notion that I love wearing boy short panties under my clothes and buying female clothes. I love the feelings I feel when I slip on something feminine on my body. I guess I honestly feel like it's a sexual high as well as an emotional high as well.

I love the experience of buying clothes at the stores that are of feminine nature. Walking through the panties area and bras and imagining I have real breasts or a vagina instead of my ugly penis. Wishing so much that I could completely be a woman without all the hard work of making the transition. I get frustrated with the fact that I am forty one years old and no closer to becoming a woman than I was when I was twenty one.

I spend so much money on women's clothes and then when my housing experience changes I get rid of all those clothes and then start all over again and I feel like it's an endless battle within myself. I guess I really choose it to be that way and perhaps for me it's more than just cross dressing, I am not sure.

For instance lately I have been hooked on viewing she male pornography and constantly watching such videos and just being memorized by those beautiful angles that I would love to be exactly like in every sort of way. Their amazing plump breasts and girly bodies and manners but totally male between the legs, that would be the perfect situation for me.

I am one hundred percent gay and I will always be that way and once and if I did get the complete transition I feel like I would still date and make love to men if they would have me. I love being in the submissive role so much. I used to always want to be in the dominant role with guys in the past but now I long to be passive to a man. I wish I was more feminine in my actions and manners in my life but I am not.

I enjoy being a man about twenty five percent of the time of my life. I am very active in the winter where I work at ski resorts as a lift operator and ski about an average of 90 days a winter. I know I could do the same thing as a woman but I am not how comfortable I would be doing the same thing as a female.

I dream nightly about having breasts and a female body and characteristics. Yet in my brain I have a feeling that I will never comit the actual energy to make the change. I feel I am denying my true self and that I should try and make the change but I don't have the financial resources to do it or I feel the time to do it either. I look at the way people in society still treat transgender folks and I cringe because they look at us as a joke and that we are confused and don't know what we are talking about or want.

A select few people I have confided in that I am transgender and it hasn't gotten more than those people. I don't have the confidence to tell my dad or step mom and not sure if I ever will. They know that I am gay just like everyone in my family knows but they still accepted me for the most part but I think coming out as transgender as well they would think I am doing it just for attention or sympathy.

I just don't know what direction to go in. My female attire doesn't exist right now but lately I have been thinking about shopping for some boy short panties and just wearing them all the time and replacing my male underwear. Though with seasonal work I sometimes have a roommate that makes wearing stuff like that very hard but I should just commit to it and make it happen and if it becomes public knowledge with them then just dealing with that when it arises.

Even if it's small things like wearing female clothes full time under my male clothes it's a start I guess.

[Kerry30Den]

I know as we get older it's sometimes harder to imagine or even step down the path to transitioning.  The reality is you have to do what makes you happy in life.  If that's getting to live life as a female full or part time then its on you to make that change.  Maybe try another solution when your living situation changes... instead of purging and missing your girly things maybe you can ship your stuff to you or get a locking container of some sort.  When I was purging it was so destructive to that other part of me, like I was throwing it away.  I found that, that side always comes back with a vengeance.

Perhaps some time with a gender counselor would help too (funds may be an issue, but it could really help you sort things out).  I think deep down you know what you want to do, its just the doing that is so difficult.  I have to wonder what type of relationships you can have if you aren't being honest with yourself much less your partner.  My guess is you crave that closeness but at some point push them away so they don't get too close.  By learning to accept and love who you are you will be able to be open and honest with your partners.  To hopefully find that someone who embraces all of you (dressed or not dressed).  That special guy is out there, just waiting to find you.

Most people don't wake up one day and find themselves happy.  They make choices (some very difficult and challenging) along that path that gets them there.  Sometimes the road it hard, and seems like you can't get through it.  But its there.

Hang in there Sandy... hopefully you can get to the point where you are thriving and not existing.

Hugs!

[HoneyStrums]

I wore them all the time. Guess what? I got caught, a lot, somtimes people didnt say anything, and somtimes people asked if im gay.

I would bet, if you got caught, then those that didnt know you would assume you was gay and those that do would just atribute it to being gay. Sombody might ask a more transrelated question.

But, try to do less purging, it all costs money after all. Money you literaly weast when you thrw it out. And you should know, it is hard to find things that actually fit in the first place

[Kerry30Den]

FYI - I wear hosiery under my pants pretty much daily and most of the time and I don't wear socks.  It's my way of feeling a bit girly even when out and about.  I make an effort not to be obvious, but I don't go to great lengths to hide either.  I think a few people have noticed, but haven't said anything (I also wear with sandals that if you REALLY looked you could tell); a couple of people have noticed my shaved legs while wearing shorts though (way more than has noticed hosiery).  My answer is that I used to get ingrown hairs really bad (this is true) and I tried shaving and it helped (also true).  I just don't tell them it makes my legs feel better when I wear pantyhose

You gotta do what makes you happy; and that makes me happy.

[LizK]

Hi Sandy

Just wanted to ask you a question...

Why do you call yourself a crossdresser? Is that because you wear clothes of the opposite gender? Have you just left it at that or have you opened yourself to the possibility this goes a little deeper. You talk about enjoying the experience of shopping...Why? is it because you desire an experience being "female" and doing "female" things. So do you crave the experience or the clothes or do you really crave the whole package?

I decided when I was very young that I was a crossdresser...never thought to question it. So I have been dealing with this in terms that child(me) had given me the "diagnosis" of crossdresser based only on seeing the name in a book. Later when I started to question this I found it was easier to say to myself I am a crossdresser than recognise the truth. Because if I did that then it becomes "can open worms everywhere" situation and we don't want that do we!!! Once I realised that my reasoning was based on myth and not fact I began to consider other possibilities. I have for the first time in I don't know how many years a small flame of hope burning intensely within me...that feeling that everything is going to be alright...its mild but it is there.

Maybe you should start listening to that part of yourself that holds who you are. Put aside all your fears, prejudices etc etc about transitioning for just a few moments and consider the real question...all things being as they are do I want to live my life as a woman. Forget about everything else just for that moment and focus only on that question...be brutally honest with yourself.
When I did this I realised with out a doubt what I needed to do...At my age it is going to be no easier that anyone else but I would rather die trying to be true to myself than continue to live this very short life we have in denial, angry, resentful and unhappy. That is no life that is merely existence.
You could try wearing the underwear...see how it makes you feel, try some other stuff that no one else can see. See how that goes and you may come to a point where you are happy and that may not be transition.

It's such a hard thing to work out for yourself but you have started...I hope you get your peace

Sarah T

[redhot1]

Sandy, I want to show my support for you. I feel the same way as I want to wear female clothing. I haven't worn any yet, but I just don't see the clothing as enough. I don't have gender dysphoria (?) like I was questioning times a lot here, but I might want a physical female body with a more-or-less female personality.

I'm in a tight living situation with parents too, but the thing is, who my age still lives with their parents? I'm concerned about the possibility of not being able to or not wanting to transition or take hormones.

Mostly, the whole package. I'm 23 and straight by the way. I feel the same in some ways as Sandy does. I wish you the best of luck.

[cindianna_jones]

Sandy,

You have many traits we all identify with. Have you seen a therapist concerning your feelings? Do you get the sense that you have a fetish concerning some of the things that trigger your feelings? Do you wish to be female or can you get by to merely cross dress? Those are questions you can explore along with many others.

One thing you must consider carefully. If you want answers, you must work for them. I used to pray to god every night that he'd make me into a girl. It didn't work. I had to do it myself and god excised me from "his church" for the bother. No matter the outcome, if you want answers, you'll need to find them. Finding requires action. A therapist is a great place to start.

Best of luck to you. Chin up and all of that.

Cindi

[Katy]

The longer I have lived the more I have come to realize that happiness is a distant shore, perhaps even an almost unattainable destination.  There have been times in my life that I have been happy, but these periods have generally brief and very sporadic.  I strive after happiness, but rarely find it.  What I have found to be a more realistic goal is some semblance of contentment. 

Sandy, perhaps the goal you seek is unattainable, or at least unattainable at this moment in time.  Perhaps it is time to reexamine your goal(s).  Ask yourself, "What I can do today to make my life just a little more tolerable, a little more interesting, a little less stressful, etc.?"  On the flip side ask yourself, "What can I avoid in my life that leads to disappointment and discouragement?"   Getting the right mix of positives and avoiding the negatives, may not result in  happiness, but it may help you to keep from the depths of despair. 

Hugs,

Katy

[Sandy74]

I know that deep down inside I shouldn't be a guy and that I really should be a woman but making the change is so hard to do and I know for a fact that I will never transition because I just don't have the balls to do so (well I do have the balls) but I don't ever see it coming to reality.

If someone approached me tomorrow and said I will help you make the transition to be a female and will help all the way through I have a feeling that I would jump at the chance to do so, probably in a heart beat. I know deep down inside that is who I am supposed to be.

Though it doesn't consume my life though. I think about it only when I see others that are struggling with those feelings and seeing Jenner in the news these days kind of makes me want to avoid it all together because of the backlash that she seems to be getting.

I think when it comes to clothes I enjoy ever aspect of it. I love the variety of clothes, the panties are amazing, so many shapes and colors and fabric that is amazing. I mean my favorite are boy short panties because they feel the best and are the most comfortable for me.

Lately I have been watching more and more videos that have to do with transgender even with porn I watch ->-bleeped-<- because I think it would be amazing to be as beautiful as some of those women are. Though if given the chance to get the complete surgery with all expenses paid I think I really would make the plunge.

I know that I should see a gender therapist and I hope to do that one of these days but the locations that I work make it hard to commit to go see one. Like now I am in South Dakota and this winter I am in Montana, not really good places to be transgender.

Then on the flipside I enjoy having a beard, can't have a beard when you are female, or can you? I mean who decides who you can or can't be. I joined a forum and it was mostly cross dressers and they were trying to judge me because I had a beard and wouldn't shave it. It was an online forum and they never saw my face, its like really? Judge mental pricks within the community as well of my own kind.

I have like phases in my life and I will think about it non stop and then like in winter I rarely ever think about it unless I have a room to myself and would love to have a silk nightie on with panties and just relax and read a book, yet if I have a roommate I seldom ever think about it and I ignore whatever feelings do come up. I am not sure where this will ever go but I know that it will always be like this with myself.

Telling my dad and my stepmom would be the hardest and they are very open minded people but I don't know how they would react to it. They were cool when I came out as gay and my dad wanted to do more father son things which was cool. I am a very masculine acting guy and I don't even try and act that way, its just the way that I come off and I am. I have never had gaydar and couldn't tell if another person was gay unless they flaunted it.

You don't know how bad I wish I was more feminine, I dream about it all the time. Wishing that I had feminine features or characteristics or whatever, I constantly think about it. To have a feminine walk or voice or whatever but I don't have anything that represents how I feel deep down inside.

So yeah I am not sure what the future holds. Also I have no clue what my profession would be if I did change completely, perhaps I would still do what I am doing now but as a female. It could work I guess.

[cindianna_jones]

on the beard thing....

I used to have a job where I traveled a lot. When I did, I took a special bag so I could be Cindi at night. Between my trips, I would grow my facial hair. Before i'd leave, I'd shave it off because it left my face much softer and didn't show the constant 5 o'clock shadow quite so much right after a close shave. People thought I did that to present a better image for the customer. Management thought I was making a sacrifice for the company's good. Ha!

Cindi

[Sandy74]

If I was going to dress FT then of course the beard would go but I would miss it. I don't know how to explain it, there is just something about having a beard that I really enjoy.

[Kimberley Beauregard]

Just a quick note, but you're 41? I thought you were early thirties!

[Sandy74]

I am 41! I wish that I was in my thirties, most people think that I am in my thirties or late twenties which is awesome. It must be all the skiing that I do in the winter and hiking in the summer. lol

[Bunter]

Sorry for stalking you here ;-)

You write somewhere that you are looking for your place in the trans communities

When I read that you are gay, like a beard, want to dress female, feel female inside, like hiking, etc. I get the feeling that you could easily be all that, but perhaps at a different place. I certainly know a lot of people who are like you. They usually live in big gay/queer communities in big cities.

There were and still are large communities of drag queens/transgender people who did specific types of gender f-u-c-k (sorry that's not a curse, it's the name of an art style ;-)), for example http://www.etonline.com/tv/161083_rupauls_drag_race_debuts_beards_on_the_runway/

Also read about bearded cis women like https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jennifer_Miller
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bearded_lady

Read this http://www.metafilter.com/151378/Bearded-queens-and-gender->-bleeped-<--drag

It's become a little less open today and communities are somewhat more streamlined and separated into drag queens on one side and trans women on the other, but we in-betweeners still exist! You just have to go out and find us.

And the secret is that there has always been overlap between drag and trans communities. I know so many drag queens who identify part time or fully as female.

See for example Paris is Burning (youtube, I can't post the link here) This is a documentary about the drag/trans communities in New York in the 1980s. Even back then there is a certain tension between drag and trans people, but there was still a huge overlap.

Don't get too frustrated by the discrimination that you will experience both from gay men and trans women, for being somewhere in between. It's important that you stick to your gut feeling, and don't let either side push you into a direction that you don't want to go.

Before transitioning fully you should definitely experiment a lot with cross dressing and also coming out to friendly, accepting people. Get a feeling for what you really want from all this, learn more about yourself and be really specific.

[Sandy74]

The more I visit forums and websites that are dedicated to Transgender Women and Men I start to get my confidence up and knowing that there are so many of us just makes me feel better about who I really am and my desires to be a woman and I have started to realize who cares if I am 41 years old, its all about how you feel and where you want to go. I know that I really want to be a woman and the only person that can stop me from that goal is myself and that is it. If I think I cannot do it and then I will stick to that notion that I can't.

If I have a positive outlook on life then I will look forward to gradually making the transition towards the goal of becoming a woman, its all about the outlook on life and for some reason that has happen since I have been here. God I love this forum and being around other woman, thanks

[LizK]

There is something to be said for transitioning later in life...what you have is experience of the real world. I have doubts all the time but I keep them in perspective by reminding myself of all the garbage I have put myself through over the years about this. All the crying, all the nightmares, all the anxiety, all the panic, all the longing, all the sadness, all the shame and so the list goes on. This helps my resolve to stay the course. I think fear comes with the territory both internal and external.

To live a life of regret is so very sad and that is exactly how I have been living mine up until the last 6 months or so. You will know as you progress if it is right for you. Keep asking questions of yourself...I think it is healthy. But to keep asking the same question over and over again only to arrive at the same answer seems a bit pointless although I have to admit I still do it too myself on occasion

"Seize the Day" 

Sarah T

[Miril]

Sandy,  I am so sorry that you are having such a difficult time of it!   I think you need a hug.  No, I am not trying to be facetious or mocking - rather it does seem like you need the company of people with similar questions, concerns and dreams.  Are there any support groups near you?   Perhaps a Tri-Ess Chapter or other group that you may be able find online?  These groups can provide a safe and secure environment for you to meet with others.   I have found Susan's to be wonderful place but sometimes a little face to face human kindness is what the soul needs.

In the meantime... a virtual hug to you!