My triggers don't seem to make sense

[AnamethatstartswithE]

So I've had dysphoria triggers since fifth grade, but ever since I accepted that I was trans* I also have triggers that sort of engage a denial reflex. (That's the easiest way to describe it.) Usually it's when I'm overwhelmed by feminine things (like when walking through the cosmetics section of a department store), or things about being female that I wouldn't like (reading about street harassment etc.) Some just make no sense. One example is that I feel that if I do transition I will probably want gcs, part of that process would involve removing my testicles, which I understand. Yet while reading about hrt the part about testicular shrinkage gave me such a visceral reaction that I had to close the browser and do something else for a few hours, wtf? Maybe I'm just not thrilled about being in between genders, but this is weird. I really wish I weren't trans* cis female, cismale I don't care, I just don't like this. Is this sort of thing normal?

[gennee]

It's normal to have a lot of mixed feelings. I did when began to question my gender. It took me a year to be comfortable in my own skin. A gender therapist can help you sort out your thoughts.

[Shads]

I get this too probably because I am still in some sort of denial.  I think I might be transgender, but then I am not so sure.  And then I think I am not (briefly).  I look at pretty and feminine things and my heart flutters and then I think NO!!!  Then I start looking at the "manly" stuff like cars etc and it's not me.  Agrrrr, my head hurts.

It's like being in a tug of war with yourself and it's so draining.  I would guess it's normal to feel like that.

Anyway

*hugs*

[AnamethatstartswithE]

Thanks everyone, I have my first appointment with a gender therapist in a few days, hopefully I can gain some clarity. I accepted that I was trans just over a month ago, so things aren't nearly as confusing as they were the first couple of days. I kind of feel on one level that transitioning is in some way inevitable, like I will at some point in my life. But I also really HAVE to be SURE. I kind of wish there was a blood test you could take, like "your femme levels are over 800 so you should transition. Can anybody relate?

[Punzie]

It can be frustrating to have consistent triggers of doubt about your gender, but overtime you'll eventually discover yourself and be comfortable with who you are. Congrats on talking with a gender therapist. I hope you can work things out and be happy down the road, no matter how long or winding it may be.

[Qrachel]

HRT is a major diagnostic tool and often the final therapeutic indicator for GID diagnosis. It's also why having good psychological and medical advice when considering HRT is so important.

Your reaction is not uncommon.  I was all over the place for a while - yes, no, maybe, not likely but possible, remotely possible, I need E now, why did I wait so long, wear a dress, why not get a girl's swim suit, give up male privilege, embrace feminine power . . . it never ended until I started HRT.  Your mileage will vary, but there you have a pretty typical cat walking on a hot tin roof for ya as I walked it.  It was . . . very interesting.

Many of us relate to you.  Please stay in touch,

Rachel   

[Ms Grace]

These types of feelings are not uncommon, neither is the confusion you are experiencing. You're potentially heading into a great unknown and you won't know a lot of it until you're out the other side. As to the details, some of them will be decisions and actions many months and even years away, while it's important to plan and lay the groundwork don't let yourself get overwhelmed by the future. Focus on "now", live your life and take one step at a time.

[JoanneB]

I prefer not to fixate on "Transition" beyond what the word really means, To Change. Instead I like to think what I am doing today, like for most of my life is Managing my dysphoria. What I need to do to keep it under control varied with time. I even twice experimented with transitioning in my early twenties. Then totally dropped the thought of it.

Transitioning is a major scary thing. HRT, it's knowns and unknowns are scary. What the world does and will think of you is scary. As some wise woman once said, "It takes balls". Speaking of which, shrinkage can be a good thing. Panties fit far better and the boys don't get knotted up.

[AnamethatstartswithE]

Thank you everyone, it's good to hear that this isn't unusual. I have a "figure everything out as quickly as possible and then act"type of personality. I'm geTting better at slowing down, but I have a ways to go.