I have this new feeling...could that be hope?

[LizK]

I have been doing a lot of work on acceptance and one of the things I really had not considered was what am I accepting? That I am trans? Yes I accept that I am Trans. But that is not where the real acceptance need to happen. It is at the next level.

I have been saying for a long time that I am unsure of how far I want to go with my "dressing up" despite also adding how deep the feeling were in me and how long I have had them. I use the tern "dressing up" because that is how my wife put it to me during a conversation this week. So I got to thinking about what she said and therefore really what her current understanding is of where I am at.  She only knows as much as I have told her and I have been very wishy washy about where I am going. I have used the excuse that I don't know where I am going and what I want...this is total BullSh%t  I do know what I want and always have. The fact is I have never voiced it to her because I am scared of her reaction. This is stuff I have only just come to terms with in the last few days and once I had come to terms with it, I told her.

I told her last night I wanted to transition, as hard as that was for her to hear at least she has a direction to work with. She had said to me earlier about not knowing for sure what I was doing so therefore not sure what she had to deal with. So I thought about what it is I really want and I really want to transition. I always have and have never had the courage to voice this.

I will not be able to gain self acceptance if I am not being honest with myself and those around me. I am out to my entire family and those I care about the most.

She took it really well and said we had better get you to this Dr (next week) and get you on your way to getting hormones so you can get on with being what you need to be. She followed this up a few minutes later by saying she would have to step up and mow the lawns now as I might be too girly to want to do that...I know she was kidding me but I think there was an underlying question so I answered it. I told her I will not suddenly become useless. Being able to push a mower is not exclusively a male thing...she then went on to say well you may not want to do that when you are trouncing around...this was done in a mocking and somewhat hurtful tone. I guess she is hurting and will need some time to process this. Overall she said she wanted me to be happy and will do what it takes.

Not much else I can really say except

I am Transgender

I am a Transsexual woman

I am both these things and for the first time in my life I feel hope! It is not a feeling I have experienced in a long time and never when it comes to me personally. I want this from the deepest part of me. I have always known there is a woman in there and she is nearing her time to be out in the light. I hate being male and always have...and that ladies is my truth.

Sarah T

[Laura_7]

Congratulations 


big  *hugs*

[Dena]

That is a big step. You now have a direction and I think your wife will work with you. I can see a few issues that will happen but you have made the decision as to what you want your future to be.

[LizK]

That is a big step. You now have a direction and I think your wife will work with you. I can see a few issues that will happen but you have made the decision as to what you want your future to be.

Tell me more Dena please....

[Dena]

In any marriage people grow and even more so if they marry young. Much of the time they grow together forming a lasting marriage. Other times one person may grown and the other not. It is also possible for two people to grow in different directions. If the couple fails to grow together, they separate. You have introduce a real wild card into the marriage. I well understand that you had little control over it, non of us do. You are going to mature greatly while you face your problem and become a much more mature person. If your wife will grow with you is still in question. As you desire the marriage to stay together you will need to allow her more time to grown and she will have to accept the new person you will become. Should the marriage stay together, both of you will be far better and different people than you are now.

Your wife has yet to understand you with her little joke about cutting the grass. In the transition most of us remains but some of what we have always been and we hid from the public comes out into the open. Your wife without knowing it may have loved you for the softer feminine side that leaked out over the years even thought she jokes about it. You on the other hand have to show patients with her while she learns this.

You will have to work on your transition and marriage at the same time. It will be a great deal of effort but others have done it so it's possible.

[LizK]

Thanks Dena...the little quip was a bit of a give away which is why I included it. I have been thinking a lot about my wife and she claims to be committed and I have seen nothing yet to indicate otherwise. What I have noticed is that unless I am very blunt (not rude or aggressive) with her it can take awhile for her to get a hold of an idea. In this case I have been dancing around the question for a long time as I didn't know how to put it too her but I have also been unsure myself if this was what I needed to do because I refused to listen to my heart and inner self.

I too think my wife has a long way to go because right up until I said transition she was still thinking it was about dressing up...having said that she really got the stuff about the Dysphoria...so it is a little hit and miss at times. I am happy to keep going with it as long as she is able but if it ever comes to a time where she can't do it anymore then I guess we will part company. I doubt that will happen as she seems very committed to making it all work.

Thankyou for you comments I will bare them in mind.

Sarah T   

[JLT1]

I have to say, Dena is correct all the way through.  I started HRT just over two and a half years ago and have been full-time 15 months.  I'm still married.  Staying married slowed things down and it was tougher.  I had to help her with grief as she lost her husband only to find the best of him in me.  I had to put up with and correct a lot of insults and digs.  I had to explain a lot, sometimes several times. It was hard but worth  it.  Your wife is transitioning from straight to lesbian.  Be with her as she is with you.

Congratulations.  A big step done, in some ways, the hardest step.

Hugs

Jen

[chuufk]

I am fully transitioned (post-op / fully out) and still married and the reason for that is that we were open and honest with each other.  That does not mean that I dumped everything on her in one go, instead we did one item at a time and dealt with it,  had a breather for a few days or a week and tackled the next issue.

Many folk imagine that we will flounce about in heels or a floaty frock. Just put her right and tell her that you will wear clothes appropriate to whatever you are doing just like she does and for the same reason . Tell this is not about clothing, it is about straightening out your head, banishing the demons and nightmares and letting your inner self free after a lifetime of repression.

Keep talking, take her clothes shopping and buy ladies' jeans and mow that lawn.

[LizK]

Thankyou girls for your kind words and comments. I do appreciate the need to take things slowly, I am trying to move at her pace without lettings things just stall. I think that what Dena had to say was very relevant and growing together is especially important. I wrote her a letter yesterday and in it I talked her how much I loved her and why I loved her. I talked to her about the fact she had every right to be angry or any number of other emotions. I talked to her about me no longer being able to fulfil the male role in her life, I talked about the changes I was going to go through and that I want would want to be treated and respected as the woman I am/become. I talked about how difficult this must be for her, I talked about the positives that could potentially come from this and Talked about her having the right to a happy and fulfilled life and if I am unable to provide that then leaving the marriage maybe the best choice for her. I talked about if she did chooses to leave the marriage I would be as accommodating as I could and not make things hard on her and finally told her I did not want the marriage to end but I can not chose not to do this as it is something I have sought my whole life wether consciously or unconsciously, it has driven me.

She sat down this morning and we talked about the letter...She once again re-committed to the relationship and we talked about the possibilities of really happy future. I asked about her trouncing around comment and she laughed and said she was having a joke with me and even apologised if she had insulted me in any way. I said It confused me a little and made me wonder how much she understood so we talked some more...she understands fine, she knows exactly what I am going to do and if it is going to make me a happier person then she is behind me all the way. She knows my taste in clothing and we have shopped for me before.

You know...it is about communication and even after 30 years in a relationship we can still mess up the signals. This is what I did...maybe I am too sensitive to stuff like this at the moment.

We talked about a number of different issues and yes we have more work to do but in an ever evolving relationship isn't that the case anyway. We spoke about our non-sexual relationship we have had for the last 10 plus years. I know that may sound odd but seriously I don't even remember the last time we did the "wild thing"...that's party my issue and I am beginning to understand why...but that is a whole other can of my worms which I think involves not only the Gender Dysphoria but the Body stuff I have as well. I also think it says plenty about how comfortable we are with each other because the sexual stuff never has been and never will be an issue. That is not to say we don't show intimacy in other ways       

Finally and this does make me believe she "get's it". We are having our 29th wedding anniversary on the 10/10 and I asked her what she wanted to do, so my wife turned to me as the conversation was finishing and said "Maybe we should make this like a last hurrah" so I said to her "Do you mean give John(not my real name)  a send off" and her response was "yeah I think that would be very fitting" So our wedding anniversary celebration will be a farewell party for John and a welcome to Sarah. How cool is that.

Sarah T

[Dena]

It's not cool, it's great. Your wife has given you the go ahead and if she can joke about the transition, it means she is pretty comfortable with the concept.

[LizK]

Dena I was a little sceptical about how much she was joking but when I take what she said (even if she wasn't joking)  and put it against the send off and welcoming idea for our anniversary then I am one very blessed soul. I get to be who I am and with my soul mate in tow...We have a long way to go and some rocky days ahead I am sure, but they are going to be so much better with her around.

Sarah T

[KatelynBG]

Wow Sarah you are truly living in dreamland. Congratulations. Also totally jealous of your marriage.