Obsession with passing, why?

[cindianna_jones]

I had to pass. I had to have work to support my children. This was 30 years ago when "being trans" as a word set didn't even exist. Neither did the internet. Sure I wanted to be pretty. Doesn't every girl? But I was happy just to be invisible in a crowd. I've lived most of my adult life in stealth. I don't care about that now that I've retired early. I'm prepared to live alone and enjoy my friendships with the close friends I have. If I move, I'll keep in contact, visit when I can, and I'll make new friends.

I think that the obsession to be beautiful is unhealthy. Beauty to me is a talent you are born with or not. But the obsession "to pass" is very real to many starting down this path. I've been there and I understand it. We still have lots of discrimination going around. You don't have to be beautiful to pass, you just don't want to stand out as something "other." I'm sure this is the reason the standards of care include one year working and living full time in your gender. You need to put yourself out there and learn to live with what talents you have. I know many trans people personally. Some don't give a nit about what other people think. Some just want to pass. And others want to be drop dead gorgeous. Everyone is different, even in what the outsiders call the "trans community." Hah. We have no community. Many of us are terrified to be associated with each other for fear of getting discovered. I understand that too. I felt that way in the first few years because I WAS discovered that way from a friend who would not cease calling me at work and insisting to the operator to call her "she and her." That was my first job where no one knew about my past but I'm sure they had some questions. I was still clumsy and afraid. This friend was an idiot to ignore my simple request. FWIW, I asked all my friends to not call me at work unless someone died or there was an emergency. I was there to work and be paid, not to chit chat on the phone.

I'm between 5'10" and 5'11" and I'll wear three inch wedges sometimes. I do that because I like to wear them. They are cute. Everyone can see the tall lady. I don't care.... because I'm confident "to pass." I still have many prominent male features. I didn't get FFS or a trace shave. My wide shoulders are minimized somewhat by my big fat head and I have no rear end or hips. My voice still sounds like a pubescent teenage boy. But I pass because I want to. I don't care about all my little oddities anymore. I'm thrilled that my confidence pulls it off. Do I think I'm cute? Oh yeah, baby! Beautiful? No way, that would be my daughter.

Cindi

[Asche]

.... I don't care.... because I'm confident "to pass." I still have many prominent male features. I didn't get FFS or a trace shave. My wide shoulders are minimized somewhat by my big fat head and I have no rear end or hips. My voice still sounds like a pubescent teenage boy. But I pass because I want to. I don't care about all my little oddities anymore. I'm thrilled that my confidence pulls it off. Do I think I'm cute? Oh yeah, baby! Beautiful? No way, that would be my daughter.

I love  your attitude.

I hope I can have the same attitude -- and own it -- when I've transitioned far enough for it to be relevant.

[cindianna_jones]

I love  your attitude.

I hope I can have the same attitude -- and own it -- when I've transitioned far enough for it to be relevant.

Look, you need to develop confidence and self esteem early on in the process. It took me far to long to do that. But I eventually did. You can work on it now, even before full transition. Ask your therapist to help. I've done that several times. This has been a bad year for me with a difficult divorce. First thing I did after he told me he was leaving for someone else was call my new therapist. And she's helping me with those things again along with the divorce and abuse issues. So, yes, I do have that attitude most of the time. But it gets dinged and bent from time to time.

Cindi

[Anna33]

I imagine that for most it's rooted in a fear of public rejection and ridicule.


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This is so spot on


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[metamorphique]

Why would you not want to pass? If you are MTF and you wish to affirm your gender identity physically (socially) why would you want to be seen as nothing more than a man wearing a dress and make up? Who wants to be a target? 

[Tamika Olivia]

Why would you not want to pass? If you are MTF and you wish to affirm your gender identity physically (socially) why would you want to be seen as nothing more than a man wearing a dress and make up? Who wants to be a target?

There's a difference between "not passing" and being seen as a male. People with a nuanced understanding of gender identity can recognize that you're a woman without you having to pass as cis.

[kelly_aus]

Why would you not want to pass? If you are MTF and you wish to affirm your gender identity physically (socially) why would you want to be seen as nothing more than a man wearing a dress and make up? Who wants to be a target?

I don't pass for a variety of reasons, but here's the thing, I'm seen as a woman and treated like one.. No ugly comments, no odd looks in the the ladies room.

OK, I live in Australia, which seems to be a little more tolerant than many other places, but I've never felt like a target. Not once.

[Tristyn]

We still have lots of discrimination going around. You don't have to be beautiful to pass, you just don't want to stand out as something "other."

That's probably the hugest reason why I may seem so "obsessed" with passing right now. I really am not trying to snag any type of attention or anything. No, not me. I'm way too socially awkward and anxious to really want any of that! In fact, my so-called "obsession" of passing is what, I feel, will help to garner me much less attention! =D And that's like all I ask for when it comes to passing. I only want to appear natural. Trust me when I say, "I do not want attention!" No offense to androgynous/gender-fluid individuals, but that's why I could absolutely not keep going this way, other than the fact that deep down, I've always felt more male-minded anyways.

So Cindi, I totally feel ya there about not ever wanting to be seen as something other than what you're presenting yourself as, which in our cases we are speaking on behalf of our gender identity.

And kudos to you for standing up and being able to express yourself in this way without being vain about it. So awesome.


~Nixy~

I'll wear three inch wedges sometimes. I do that because I like to wear them. They are cute.

Haha. I still think wedges are cute too. And hell, you can wear them simply cause you want to. I feel like we should be able to where whatever we damn well please. As long as its not derogatory or insulting in some way(i.e. a T-shirt featuring racial slurs, for example).

No, I don't like to actually wear wedges. I used to wear them in the past when I lived intentionally as a woman. But man did I ever suck at walkin' in those things. I'm way too much of a klutzy ogre to strut in those and make them look as sexy as you're sure to make them look. 


~Nixy~

[iKate]

It's because I don't want to be treated like a man or a freak.

I don't try to be the most beautiful, I just am ordinary.

I don't obsess about passing either. It just happens for me.

[KayMc]

Wanting to pass is natural. Especially early on, when people are trying to figure out whether they need to transition, or should transition... The fear of transitioning and then being a freak and outcast for the rest of one's life is very real. It sucks that this is still a thing - that people will laugh at you on the street or subway when they "see through your disguise" (their thoughts, not mine!). But that's the way things are right now.

So yeah, people want to pass. I don't think confusing "passing" with wanting to "look beautiful" is a good idea or a healthy one. People want to be seen as a woman for both internal reasons (validation of self identity) and external reasons (safety and not being outcast).

[Missy D]

It's not an obsession for me, I suppose, but it is important. Firstly as a full on transsexual rather than someone who's wanting to blur gender lines, I wish all the time that I'd been born fully formed female. So with that in mind, why wouldn't I want to?  And, to be honest and I don't want to cause offence, I'm not interested in presenting myself as a separate species, or a weird hybrid or pushing the boundaries of gender. All I want is the rest of the world to see me as I see myself.

Plus, I think, if you want to take on female roles then surely you have to do as much as you can to really live them. This stage of life is frustrating, like being stuck in an airport terminal. All I want is to get out of it!! For me transition is a process, not an end. If anyone can relate to that? Where it ends is with me completing all I need to do to live as a woman without the problems associated with having my gender identity questioned all the time. For me, and it's happened in male clothes oddly, it was an extremely unpleasant experience. And it's happened more than once!! Being accosted in the street and having to justify my presence on the planet to a group of jeering blokes wasn't fun. 

And finally there are safety issues as well. I'm passable, some people I know are not, and they do get stared at and laughed at and excluded. That doesn't happen to me. But then I don't want it to, I just want to be able to go shopping, wander round in town and go out with my friends without the abrasive presence of constant ridicule. And sadly the way out of that isn't to be some strong trans-woman, it's just to be a very ordinary and boring looking woman-woman.

If that sounds like the easy way out, then I'm sorry  I've tried life the hard way and failed at it so the last thing I'm capable of is being the public face of ->-bleeped-<-. I just can't do it. I'm not strong enough. So if that means doing everything to be passable, then I shall do everything to be passable. I also have to! Not everyone likes transgender people; and one way to avoid this is not to alert yourself to them. I can't afford to really either  Part of what makes me passable in the classic sense also makes things hard when relating to men. I've got no physical presence, no strength. I can't intimidate people or shout or do anything in particular to defend myself should someone decide to attack. I've had to live in fear of men, their brutishness and aggression, my whole life and I still do so. I'm not saying they're all bad, far from it, but some are and they'd break my wrists with one hand. I suppose it's all part of living without many of the aspects of male privilege.

And finally I can't do that to my family and my friends either.

If that sounds weak, then it is 

Missy xx

Single White Female desperately seeks normal life!!

[cindianna_jones]

Missy D, I know exactly where you are coming from. And I think that is the goal for most of us. So, go for it!

I think that we have enough traction now to be visible while hiding. Sort of like the gay movement 20 years ago. And with what gays have done for us by including us in the LGBT acronym, social acceptance isn't all that far out. I hope to see it in my lifetime.

Cindi

[BridgetYvonne]

I think the one BIG reason is that we want to fit in w/ the GGs. Some of us , me included didn't fit it w/ the guys when I was a guy. I do feel that I fit in a lot better w/ most of my GGs. altho a few are a bit jealous that I've come over to the winning side. LOL I say that it took so long because I was waiting for my uniform to arrive. One thing as a girl I haven't been able to master is high heels. I wear flats & 2" heels but anything higher I feel like Bambi on Ice. My GF/mentor Vikki giggles when I try to walk in heels. I somehow feel that if I don't master high heels, then I wont be 100% as a girl. Any advice? I practice until I wear a rut in our carpeting but still, after 2+ years, Nada!