My wife's hurtful remark. Maybe my wife is now my husband? IDK.

[KristinaM]

So, I just reconnected with an old friend.  I haven't spoken to him in about 10 years really.  We talked on the phone for an hour and a half yesterday.  He lives in Canadia, BC actually, and I'm in North Carolina, so we're like 3,000 miles apart or so?

Anyways, my transition came up, and it turns out that his daughter also thinks she's a boy.  They're looking into it...  Ironic, eh?

So, I didn't friend him on Facebook because I'm still trying to keep a relatively low profile, but I started messaging him there.  So now he's seen my profile pic of me all done up in girl mode, and he says to me, "is it tolerable and acceptable to say you look better as a woman?"  I of course scoffed, but said thank you, hehe.

Now, here's where the hurtful remark comes in.  I told my wife what he said and she goes, "heh, well that's not true."  When I tell her that was mean to say, she then follows it up with, "I've always thought you were a handsome man!"  As if saying how handsome she thought I was can somehow make up for how she also said I wasn't pretty now!  Is it just me, or does that sound like some garbage a husband would say.  Thinking it's coming across one way when in reality it's actually not the compliment they meant it to be?  It sounds like something I would've said a year ago anyways.

[iKate]

It's a kind of weird backhanded compliment for sure. Not sure if it was meant to hurt though.

[Miyuki]

I think part of the reason transition is so difficult for significant others, is that they fell in love with you as you were. A lot of the things you didn't like about yourself, including your appearance, may be things that were part of the reason they were attracted to you in the first place. I realized dealing with my own family, that I had to tread lightly on the subject of hating the way I used to be, because even if I felt that way, they didn't, and hearing me say those kinds of things was like hearing a stranger insulting someone they cared about.

[IdontEven]

As the reigning champ of ruining the message with an inept delivery, sometimes you have to cut people a little slack. Especially those you're around often and who may be used to turning their filters off with someone they trust, or if they're overly tired etc.

And Miyuki makes a good point. She'll probably be biased against your fem look for a while. At this point her memory of you as a male is practically symbolic. You could've had a hunch back a hair-lip and a lazy eye, that's what she fell in love with :p

Have you asked for her fashion help? Getting her included and invested in the process of creating this new you may help soften the blow of having lost the old you. She lost a husband, but she's gaining a wife, if she can handle that.

[iKate]

Have you asked for her fashion help? Getting her included and invested in the process of creating this new you may help soften the blow of having lost the old you. She lost a husband, but she's gaining a wife, if she can handle that.

I would say this really depends.

Some of them do, some of them don't.

Mine doesn't, and used to cringe a lot when I went shopping. Even basic wear at home clothes at wal-mart she would get all upset because I bought feminine and not masculine cuts.

So I mostly avoid that with her. It's not like she's a fashionista anyway. She can look good when she wants but mostly does not care to and just dresses ordinary.

[KarynMcD]

Is it just me, or does that sound like some garbage a husband would say.  Thinking it's coming across one way when in reality it's actually not the compliment they meant it to be?  It sounds like something I would've said a year ago anyways.

It sounds like something a hurt wife would say.
She might be putting on a strong front, but she's in pain about your changes.

[LizK]

Now, here's where the hurtful remark comes in.  I told my wife what he said and she goes, "heh, well that's not true."  When I tell her that was mean to say, she then follows it up with, "I've always thought you were a handsome man!"  As if saying how handsome she thought I was can somehow make up for how she also said I wasn't pretty now!  Is it just me, or does that sound like some garbage a husband would say.  Thinking it's coming across one way when in reality it's actually not the compliment they meant it to be?  It sounds like something I would've said a year ago anyways.

Hi Kristina

Sounds to me it was most likely a throw away line with not much value or thought in her mind. My wife has a habit of saying some pretty insensitive stuff but mainly because  in some cases she doesn't realise that she is being hurtful or dismissive. If you think about the support you get from her over all is it more likely to be something like, not thinking about what she is saying. She would naturally think you were a better looking man than a woman...that's who she fell in love with originally. I also think Miyuki is right on the mark with her comments.

You are the best person to judge if she was being malicious in her intent or wether it was a comment without much thought.

Sarah T

.......had a hunch back a hair-lip and a lazy eye, ....

As an aside from Kristina's question the term "Hair Lip" is in many countries considered highly offensive to persons born with this deformity. The correct term is Cleft Lip or Palate. You may not have heard the correct term before and to be fair, you don't know, what you don't know. Sarah T

[KristinaM]

As an aside from Kristina's question the term "Hair Lip" is in many countries considered highly offensive to persons born with this deformity. The correct term is Cleft Lip or Palate. You may not have heard the correct term before and to be fair, you don't know, what you don't know. Sarah T

My interpretation of it was too mean a moustache, lol.

[KristinaM]

Thank you all for the replies thus far. I have limited forum access and time to give any meaningful responses at this time, but will do so as soon as I can.

It was most likely just an offhanded comment, but I wonder about the subconscious implications.

[sparrow]

I dunno about your wife, but mine identifies as a straight ciswoman.  I've come to accept the idea that I'm making myself less phyisically appealing to my wife.  I generally avoid the topic of my attractiveness.

[Isabelle]

If a comment like that was truly hurtful, you've got a long road ahead of you. You really need to work on your self confidence. Learn that what other people think of you is none of your business. Obtain strength of character from within, not from without. Your wife has a right to her opinions. You changed the rules of the marriage, not her so, some thinly veiled snipes are to be expected..

[Wednesday]

If a comment like that was truly hurtful, you've got a long road ahead of you. You really need to work on your self confidence. Learn that what other people think of you is none of your business. Obtain strength of character from within, not from without.

Truly worthy advice. If you do it this way, there won't be obstacle hard enough to stop you.

Anyway that remark shoudn't be hurtful at all, see it in a logical way. Your wife fell in love with a more masculine version of you, if she leans more toward masculinity it's pretty obvious to think she is gonna consider you more attractive as a male.

Cheer up, a man complimented you!

[warlockmaker]

If thats you on the profile then you really are a good looking female and would also be a good looking male. Such positive comments should be embraced and don't let the negatives get to you. Its a long journey and I've learned to be tolerant of such comments, if I reacted badly to each time a barb is thrown at me I would always be in a tizz. I have posted some of my wife's insensitive comments, when it used to get to me. But I have evolved past that.

[barbie]

Whatever I wear or look like, I am a husband to my wife and a dad to my kids. My appearance is minor one. My attitude, language, performance, expression and etc can be more important to them. This also applies to my colleagues and close friends. Some people sometimes see a part of my femininity, while others sometimes see my masculinity. I am between a man and a woman, but a man to my family.

barbie~~

[Katiepie]

Well in an all honesty approach unless another comment was opted out, or not expressed... I didn't see anywhere where she didn't say you were not pretty.

In a third party visual of the situation, it could have not meant to be hurtful. But to having your significant other giving a statement that you were once handsome, or in a nutshell to her preference. Sure a lot goes in our minds as being transgender and wanting to bury the hatchet of our previous selves, which cause grief with mention thereof the past.
In what would be hurtful to you, as well as I, would be as a comment as stated "you looked or look better as the man you once were" this of course is something that could be said to be hurtful. On the other hand a comment such as "you (were) a handsome man" could and most likely will cause hurt, but in the effect of someone stating otherwise of what we portrayed to our own perception, that is the thought of someone else.
I am in no way saying anyone is right or wrong in being hurt from simple words, or others saying the wrong thing. But to have open communication of what she actually meant by the statement, and that the comment had hurt, so then there can come to an answer to what had been said. I mean significant others, as well as who else we may cross paths with in our old lives and our new lives, who have known us before to after transition will always have their own opinions on us. Some may say we were handsome in the past, but then say that we look stunning or gorgeous on the flip side. They may not be aware that bringing up the past may bring our own self loathing and hate for ourselves out in which would cause conflict of some words that they might not mean to hurt.

This is my own thoughts, and based off of my own experiences, as well as with the presentation that was brought up, if there were more comments that were opted out that were meant as hateful, then I do apologize.

Kate <3