My inner double life

[mnrjpf99]

I am sure a lot of us feel the same way, but I sometimes don't know what to do because I feel like I live a double life, even within myself. On one hand, I was born and raised a guy and raised around an older brother who did like all the guy stuff. I used to HATE it soooo bad when he would want me to play football with him. I was a "pansy". Lol I didn't like much of anything he did.
I like women, for relationships that is and for friendship. I guess way to put it is that pretty much the only "guy" things I like is sex and relationships with women.
On the other hand, I love being the girl I am on the inside. I like a lot of "feminine" things and such. I love the fact that my hair is longer again and I can put it up. I think a lot like a woman and feel a lot like one too. That is all well and good, but when it comes to getting to know someone I am interested in, they quickly discover that I am a lot like them. At first it's cool cuz "I am understanding" but after a while I end up in the "friend zone". Arrrg! It's hard cuz how many girls want to be with a guy that is way too much like them? It is like relationship purgatory or something.
I feel like I have to put on an act when talking to guys (which I rarely do). When I am around females I am fine and content.
I just feel like I can't do the whole female thing physically cuz it would never work and cause more problems for myself. If I was rich, I would have a house with a secret room that would be my "girl room" where I could be me fully. Don't even get me started on how I would decorate it either. Lol I figured that out in like 30 seconds.
Sometimes I hate this whole thing, because I feel like a triangle shaped peg that doesn't fit in the round or square hole.
I guess I am a lesbian trapped in a man's body.
I just wish I could be happy. :0\

[Dena]

We have all feel the way you do at one time in our life. It took understanding what ever my future was, the male side of me would not continue to exist. Did this make it any easer? No. I still had all the same fears everybody does the first time Dena walked out that apartment door by herself so many years ago. It didn't take long before I reached the point that walking out that apartment door was no longer a problem. My before pictures look like a male geek which I was. It took a bit of makeup and hair to complete the transformation and even now when I look at that picture taken of me so many years ago I am surprised at how good I turned out. Kind of a girl next door type. You never know what is possible until you try and you have many people here willing to help that girl walk out the door for the first time.

[mnrjpf99]

Thank you Dena.

[missymarieme]

Let me express this. I being 57 and grew up in a Era you would never express your feeling being a different sex. I knew when I was 6 I was different then my older brother, who like you was the sports guy and the total male. I enjoyed the femmine things and taking my sister clothes and dressing up. I on the other hand through life ran between relationships male / female. In gay relationships I always was the femmine / submissive.  At my years of working with in a male dominated profession. I had to hid my desire to be a woman also my gay relationships. In my 40's  I met a girl 27 years younger a bi female. Who only knew me as Melissa after months of talking I admitted to her my gender. After her saying I don't care soon we moved in together. And she said you need to follow your desire after the support of my now lesbian wife and I completing transition earlier this year and a lesbian. I would urge you to follow the dream.  You feel you're a lesbian in the male body. Be true to your self find a gender therapist talk about the dyphoria. And be happy for who you are.

With love, caring and understanding, Melissa Marie

[mnrjpf99]

I am 53 (physically) but only feel maybe half my age, so I end up attracted to younger women. Maybe that's bad to some people, but it is what it is. I am getting to know a girl in her 20's and she seems to be cool with the age thing. She has picked up on some of my feminine traits, such as as speech patterns and stuff. However she does not know who I am on the inside yet. She is kinda quiet and stuff and I babble like a school girl when I am with her. I apologize for it all the time, but she says it's fine. Lol
I am not getting my hopes up too much though for this to work out. If it does, that would be great though.
Other than that, I would probably be better off with a bi woman, because she would understand better maybe.
I agree that counseling is a good idea.

[TG CLare]

A very interesting post and similar to my own life.

I always got along better with the girls, wasn't great at sports so the boys didn't want me participating so I was sort of driven to them.

I still like the ladies but realize I'll probably be alone the rest of my life because of transitioning but it was the only way I could keep my sanity.

As I became more female mentally, I felt like the character from the book, The Strange Case of Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde except I didn't have an evil side, I had a feminine side. Each time I let her out to play, it was harder to put her back in my head until I reached a point where I had to give in to one or the other, it was just too much to handle.

I've been "out" as myself for 2 years and I feel so relaxed now. I no longer have the internal conflicts, am not depressed any more and am finally happy in my life. I hardly recognize the person I used to be any more and to use my birth name seems so strange to me now.

Love,
Clare