Wanting to come out to my mom

[KatelynBG]

So lately I've had a big urge to tell my mom everything. I tried once to do it when I was 18, she saw me fully dressed and asked for some time to process. We didn't talk about it again for awhile and a few months later she came at me with a lot of questions that I wasn't ready to answer (in are you a woman trapped in a man's body?) And I shrugged her off and told her it was just a phase.

Back to modern day times, she's in Florida for a few more weeks before her next visit and then she goes back to Florida again until March. I cannot get her alone when she visits as my dad is attached at the hip with her. I've been debating a letter but can't risk my dad seeing it first. I'm not ready for my dad to know yet. He won't understand and I'm too fragile to risk blowing that up right now.

So that leaves me with email as a possibility, though it leaves a digital footprint that is out of my control. It's also impersonal, but practicality would seem to overrule it. I'd like to include some resources for my mom, and was wondering what others have used with older parents. Any help would be appreciated.

[Sophieraven]

I was lucky, i Just Blurted the worst of it out one evening while i was taking my mother out for a drive after she had her latest knee op. Doesn't help you at the moment but i think the best answer is to try and get her own her own and Tell her to her face. Hopefully your dad will understand if you ask to have some time alone with your mum. Good luck however you do it.
Sophie

[Laura_7]

Quite a few people come out via letter or mail...

Here are some resources:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,196614.msg1750127.html#msg1750127


Often transgender people are sensitive and try to read others expectations...
well knowing might help...


hugs

[KristinaM]

Not to frighten you, but here's my story:

I was sitting in my parent's living room with my mom, dad, and my wife.  I told them to turn the TV off, I had something I wanted to talk about.  So I told them.  My mom sat there in silence, wishing she was dead, while my dad berated me.  So me and my wife got up and left and went home.  I cried for a couple days over that.  My dad wrote me a very nasty letter disowning me.

That was 2 months ago, and my mom has her fingers in her ears going, "Lalalalalala."  She won't seek any help (therapy, counseling, support groups, etc...), in fact she blatantly refuses to do so and says that she has no plans or desire to do so (she told me that today actually).  I'm OK with my dad's reaction, but my mom and I have been close all my life, so I'm hoping she gets on board eventually.  This train is leaving the station with or without her.  Me and my wife live 100 miles away from them, and have for the past 7 years, so they're not stopping me either.

So anyways.  Telling them face to face is the band-aid approach.  I am all for it, but just be prepared for all possible reactions.

[KatelynBG]

Actually I'd be very surprised if they both disowned me. In fact, if my mom was going to do that, she already had a chance to do so.

[Laura_7]

Actually I'd be very surprised if they both disowned me. In fact, if my mom was going to do that, she already had a chance to do so.

There was a very intelligent post from someone stating it might have a better chance if its possible to talk about things that really move people. Like things that people feel at heart, and being able to talk about it.
If not it might be advisable to work  bit on that... a feeling of understanding for each other and of being able to talk to each other...

in the link above is a link included to a letter of an accepting dad.
Showing parts of it might help. But its up to you, you know them best.


hugs

[kittenpower]

When I told my mom, we went for a walk together, and I told her there was something that I needed to tell her; then there was a long pause as I was trying to muster the courage, and then she said to say whatever it is I needed to say, and I still couldn't get the words out, and then she asked if I wanted to tell her I was gay, and I said no, and then told her I am trans [paraphrase], and then she protested, and there was some serious fallout for a few months, followed by a year of not talking about it, followed by denial and unacceptance for a few years, and then it was all good. You already have a history established with your mom, so you may have an easier time. Best wishes

[KatelynBG]

Well the ball is set in motion. I've arranged a lunch date with my mom set for a week from Saturday. I hope I'm not making a mistake.

[Laura_7]

You might try to explain in a relaxed tone....
its up to you what you say but points might be
it has biological connections, to do with development before birth... so its nobodys fault, not an upbringing or whatever...
and people wil be like their male/female twin, with still the same sense of humour etc...

I'd say try to stay calm... and answer from a point of knowledge, you probably have gathered quite some knowledge from this website, and from others, so you might answer a few questions...

[audreelyn]

Hey girl, you got this!

I'm preparing to do the same and tell both my parents in the next month or so. They're pretty much the only ones in my life who don't know, and they're both extremely religious so it's bound to go poorly. Another girl at this church came out to her parents and was immediately disowned. I might be at that bridge soon enough.

If I were you, I'd maybe sit them down and start a casual conversation, and nudge in with a news story about a trans person, like Caitlyn, since she's popular, and see how they react. Then depending on how they respond I'd go from there.

Well. What's the worst that can happen? Knowing that too and preparing for it can also make it emotionally easier on you.

Hope it goes well!

Audree

[KatelynBG]

Of course, OF COURSE my mom gets a cold and cancels her trip. Looks like we have to put this off for another week.

[Laura_7]

Of course, OF COURSE my mom gets a cold and cancels her trip. Looks like we have to put this off for another week.

Well so you have more opportunity to rehearse a bit in thought what you want to say...

and imagine a good outcome 


*hugs*

[KatelynBG]

I've been practicing all week. Haha I had it down just the way I wanted it.

[KatelynBG]

So a few weeks ago I told my mom about some of my non-trans marital issues and asked her to keep it in her confidence. Today she told me that she discussed with her best friend. When I became upset, she apologized for telling me, claiming she "need someone to talk to."

All of a sudden I'm doubting my coming out plan that I've spent years thinking about.

[Laura_7]

So a few weeks ago I told my mom about some of my non-trans marital issues and asked her to keep it in her confidence. Today she told me that she discussed with her best friend. When I became upset, she apologized for telling me, claiming she "need someone to talk to."

All of a sudden I'm doubting my coming out plan that I've spent years thinking about.

See ? So there is some good to it being a bit later.

The best thing might be to have a few points ready to say... important things, and rehearse them...
and otherwise stay flexible because people might act in a way not foreseeable... also in a positive way...

and I'd say keep to a mental picture of a good outcome.
It programs subconsciously for that behaviour.
Like being more open and likely to say the right thing.

Just relax... all will be fine 

[KristinaM]

Well, I know from experience in telling my wife, that our loved ones need people they can talk to about this.  My wife kept it bottled up for like 3 weeks and it was killing her.  I let her tell 2 of her closest friends and it made a world of difference.

So be up front with your mom about that this time.  She didn't tell her friend to hurt you, she did it because she was having issues coping.  And if this is really the path you're going to go down anyways, her friend will surely have to find out eventually.

I know, it sucks, it feels like a betrayal of trust.  My HR department notified the company CEO that I was trans without asking me if it was OK to share that info.  I felt betrayed as well, but it was also kind of a relief to not have to tell him myself.  You'll be OK, I promise. 

[KatelynBG]

Ok so after a lot of thinking, I'm still going to do it. The date is set for this coming Sunday at lunch in a restaurant nearby. I'm very nervous about this. I've mentioned to my therapist that this feels like a step I can't come back from after. She very calmly looked at me and said, "It'll feel a bit like getting flushed through a funnel, like an oil change. But the oil does its best work in the engine, not the can." Haha I love that woman. So Sunday is the day I start flushing through the funnel.

[KristinaM]

Good luck!  Are you taking a friend?

[KatelynBG]

No friends, just one on one.

[Laura_7]

No friends, just one on one.

You might try to relax... mentally rehearse a few things...
and maybe take a walk before and try to calm down...

and mentally keep a picture of a good outcome 


*hugs*