Am I doing the right thing?

[Cute Ida]

Hello everyone. It's been a while since I've been on and I've updated my avatar pic.


Am I doing the right thing in waiting? There is a guy at work that I've fallen for. He's fallen for me as well. Thing is he's got a cis female girlfriend. I've become his confidant about everything in his life. He is mine as well. We talk a little each day after I get off work. I work overnights and he works early mornings. He already knows I'm trans and has said that if he didn't have a gf he'd date me officially. He's fine with me being pre-op as he is bisexual himself. He's 55 and I'm 32. There is a 22 and half year age gap between us. His daughter knows I'm trans and is cool with it. His daughter is 24 but has special needs and is diabetic. She has asked her dad when he will marry me so I can be her mom. I've hung out with both of them at their apartment twice now and his daughter just absolutely adores me. I would totally love to be her mom.


My potential bf is afraid of hurting his gf by breaking up with her cause she's had bad relationships but I know he's not happy with her. I am waiting for him to break up with her. In essence I am the other woman. I feel no guilt or shame about it. We've hugged and kissed but haven't had sex yet cause something always come up for him or me. I don't want to pursue anyone else cause I feel that by the time I do find someone he will have finally broke it off with his gf. I save a lot of trouble by just waiting for him. He's admitted that he loves me and wants to marry me. I have told him that I love him as well and that I want to marry him. In his own words he's said that his relationship with his current gf is more like a fwb than a gf/bf. I have a lot of advantages over his current gf.


Lately he's said that he needs to have a talk with his gf soon about how unhappy he is. When me and him became friends I was identifying as lesbian and through becoming more than friends I now identify as bisexual. He's the first man I've ever had feelings for. I do feel that he's worth both the pain and wait. We've known each other for 8 months and became even closer 5 months ago. I just needed to get this off my chest and to get some opinions about my situation. Thanks in advance.

[stephaniec]

Have you given yourself a specific time limit for how long he continues to hold on to the relationship he says he doesn't want.

[Delaney]

I'd say that it's up to him to decide who "the other woman" really is.  From what you're describing it sounds like his girlfriend is really "the other woman," but she was also established in his life first.  Sorting that out could certainly be difficult for him.  One can care for a person but also be more attracted to someone else.  This is a sort of "kindness conundrum" if you will, and that is a minefield to navigate.  From what you're describing, he wants to be with you more, but doesn't want to hurt her either.

He's likely a decent guy and just needs time to sort things out.  I don't know that I can give more advice than suggesting that you be patient.  If it doesn't work out for you then so be it.  He's not the only person who could love you.

[lostcharlie]

you asked for opinions... here it is..... RUN, run fast run far. this guy is playing the both of you. odds are you end up broken hearted.

[KristinaM]

You could also look into polyamory.  It is possible to love more than one person, and I don't just mean physically.  I mean emotionally and socially.  I'm married and I've fallen for someone else, and we're trying to all work through it together the best we can.  Monogamy isn't a requirement, it's more of a social/mental construct than anything officially governing life on Earth.  You can be with and love as many people as you can.  For some people that's one, for some people that's many.  Polyamory comes with cautions though as it's a delicate line to walk, but it can be extremely rewarding for all parties involved as well.

Now, with that said.  I'm concerned about your situation.  I know it may seem like it's not worth jeopardizing a potential relationship that might make you happy, but you shouldn't stop living your life either.  If he does want to break it off with her, he will.  If he doesn't, he won't.  It really is that simple, and you shouldn't feel obligated to wait patiently in the wings while he makes up his mind.  The two of you aren't committed to each other, so you should go out and live life, have fun.  Maybe you'll find someone else, maybe you won't, but there's no need to stagnate while you wait for him to decide.

[Oliviah]

Sounds like he is stringing you along.  I would dump him if you want a real relationship.  Or keep him around for a fun fling. 

[Martine A.]

Hi Ida. Two things are NB for me, 55 y/o and seemingly indecisive.

Nothing wrong with the two, I would bet. But for me that would be a red flag, 25 and indecisive yea, can understand. At 55, they'd better know what they are doing or I'd deem honesty/experience [needed to make the choice] very dubious.

[mfox]

you asked for opinions... here it is..... RUN, run fast run far. this guy is playing the both of you. odds are you end up broken hearted.

This.. A man who cheats on his current girlfriend will end up cheating on you.  Yes kissing is cheating, unless he has some open or poly relationship.  It doesn't sound like he's being emotionally loyal.   If he's 55 and not in a committed relationship by now.. well, he's not going to learn any new tricks on having a stable relationship.

What happens when his girlfriend finds out about you?