Is There Any Hope For Me?

[Shads]

I have had my head buried in the sand for most of my life, hoping that when I took it out things would have changed.  They have.  I am older, uglier, my friends seem to be getting on with their lives and doing ok.  But that's all the change I see.

I guess I am starting to panic a bit after reading a news post on her about being Transgender at 60+ and then watching a piece on Youtube about it.  I am not quite there but, yeah I am worrying a lot.

Anyway, I finally called my Dr today hoping to get an appointment for today or tomorrow so I can ask, beg, tell them I need to see a Gender Therapist.  I had called a bit too late in the day and they had no appointments left and was told I can't pre-book for tomorrow, I have to call on the day.  That means getting my lazy backside out of bed in time to make the call. 

With the way referrals work in the UK from the information I gave garnered from the web, it can take a year or more to get to see such a therapist.  That would make me almost 50.  I keep hearing people say it's never to late, but I honestly fear that my ship sailed a long time ago.

I have been out of work for about 28 of the 32 years since I left school, I am socially inept, prefer my own company most of the time and hate the world in general as I never felt I actually fitted in.  I still struggle with my OCD and agoraphobia and can't even think of trying to get a job.  Also, I don't feel I was born in the wrong body and don't think I am female, I just hate being male.  I do however, go to bed and hope that I would wake up a woman.  I know that will never happen and that no matter how much money I ever had to spend on surgeries, I would still be ugly.  (You can't make a silk purse out of a sows ear)  I'd post a headshot of myself but I would get warned for posting something horrific.

Perhaps I am just more dysphoric today than ever even though I haven't been officially diagnosed.  Heh, I even took some tests for Aspergers online and scored 39 and 41 respectively.  They said anything over 34 and it might be possible that I have that.  I know...I know...I know... self diagnosis is not a good thing but I am trying to help myself by trying to figure out just what is wrong with me while waiting to get to the Dr and then Therapist.

On a positive note, I did something I never thought I would be able to.  I walked to my local hair salon.  I have been getting my balding hair cut there for the past 12 years.  I know they used to have a nail technician so I asked about manicures.  They don't actually have one there at the moment but hope to by Christmas.  The price for a manicure is £15-20 and that there shouldn't be a problem doing my nails, even though I am obviously a guy.  I was actually proud of myself for being able to even just ask about that.  Little things like this do seem like I scored a touchdown but I am still far behind and I can't afford to lose this battle.

[Sophieraven]

All i can say is don't give up hope, Talk to the doctor and see what he says. If being ugly means you have to give up i'd have done it along time ago. You can always post your headshot and let people on here comment.
Sophie

[LizK]

Don't give up...you are never too old and there are many here who would testify to that including myself. I have just begun my transition and am seeing a Psychologist. Here is AUS I have to wait for a Psychiatrist before I can progress my transition. I am not letting the grass grow under my feet, I am doing a number of things to help prepare me.

I am not overly concerned about passing...I just don't think I ever will be able to pass easily if at all. The changes I am making are for myself so I can feel comfortable in my own skin. Do it for yourself...pass, don't pass, doesn't change who you are. Keep reading and asking questions so as to educate yourself in the best possible choices for you.

Regards

Sarah T


Sarah T

[suzifrommd]

I keep hearing people say it's never to late, but I honestly fear that my ship sailed a long time ago.

Sweetie, there is no entrance exam, no job interview, no bouncer at the door, no requirements at all for being yourself. You can do it when you're old, young, rich, poor, strong, weak, college-educated or street smart.

You already are the woman you want to become. This isn't a beauty contest. No one tells cis women they're not beautiful enough, rich enough, young enough to be women, right? They just are.

We have the same privileges. We're allowed to be ourselves, regardless of age, economic situation, or beauty.

All you need to do is embrace who you are. The rest will follow.

Yes, if you want to pass whereever you go and have people gush about how beautiful you are, there are some barriers. But none of that is necessary in order to be a woman. I know a lot of non-passing trans women who are thrilled with their transitions. They know they are women and know that womanhood carries with it indescribable beauty that is ours for the taking simply by having a feminine soul.

Hugs, Shads. You are already the fabulous, beautiful woman you want to be.

[Shads]

Thank you for the input, I appreciate it.

You are already the fabulous, beautiful woman you want to be.

I just wonder if that is enough for me even though I don't feel like a woman. I just want to be one of the girls and never consider myself as one of the guys.

I guess I also worry about the what ifs.  Hypothetically I follow this road right till the end, therapy, RLE, HRT, more therapy, GRS, FFS, Vocal therapy and or surgery, electrolysis and finish my journey.  Now if someone I meet says I am not a real woman, that I don't pass or that I am fake, that would probably crush me.  I don't have a thick skin, maybe I might develop one but at the moment, it is paper thin and a hurtful comment can affect me from a matter of minutes to years.

I know I have said in one of my posts there is no right or wrong way to be Transgender.  I am good at giving advice but never taking my own.

I do have a GG friend that I skype with a lot and she always refers to me as she or her even though I have a male voice.  She knows how this makes me feel, Happy and all fuzzy inside.

I really do need to stop looking at the mountain before me and just take tiny steps.  I am doing a few little things to get in touch with the girl inside me though.  Like body shaving and trying to grow my nails again so I can have a manicure.  If only my bald spot would grow back.  I'd bottle the secret and give it away for free.

[gennee]

You're right when you state that there isn't a right or wrong way of being transgender. I do pass well but my number one thing is that I'm being my authentic self. Some of us won't pass but there are other aspects of our lives. Kindness, encouragement, patience, and self-acceptance are but a few of them. Yeah, I'll get looks and remarks but it doesn't matter to me.

Age shouldn't be a barrier to transitioning if you so desire. I know of people who transitioned in their seventies. You are not hopeless but at the cusp of living the life you so desire.

[KathyLauren]

See the doc and start the wheels turning.  It doesn't get easier if you wait.  I should have done it at 40.  I wish I'd done it at 50.  Now I'm 61 and it is so difficult.

[Maybebaby56]

I know I have said in one of my posts there is no right or wrong way to be Transgender.  I am good at giving advice but never taking my own.

I do have a GG friend that I skype with a lot and she always refers to me as she or her even though I have a male voice.  She knows how this makes me feel, Happy and all fuzzy inside.

I think you have posted an important point.  You may not find it necessary to have full-on medical intervention (FFS, GCS, etc.) to make you feel comfortable with yourself.  Acting and feeling female is a big part of it.

I really do need to stop looking at the mountain before me and just take tiny steps.  I am doing a few little things to get in touch with the girl inside me though.  Like body shaving and trying to grow my nails again so I can have a manicure.  If only my bald spot would grow back.  I'd bottle the secret and give it away for free.

Absolutely!  Do the things you can do.  Sometimes just making the decision to do this for yourself is very helpful.  Work with your therapist and find the path that is best for you.

Oh, and about the bald spot - ask your doctor about getting a prescription for finasteride.  I have been taking it about 4 months for male pattern baldness and I am already seeing results!

With kindness,

Terri

[MsMarlo]

Hun, the general consensus is to not give up; and although sometimes easier said than done, it can be done.

Remember this; you know how it is you feel and where it is that you want to go.  One step at a time- see your doc first and see where it goes from there. 

Don't feel too bad about hating the world either; I do too, and trust me, that doesn't go very well sometimes with this badge and gun that I wear.  But I BS my way through it, and when push comes to shove, there are some good people left in this world.  Look around you; many of them are right here on this site. 

You just hang in there and remember that you may have to take some baby steps at first.  BTW, there is a trans woman here in Mobile where I live who was 65 when she started transitioning, and to date there have been no issues.

Be safe, sweetie  :O)

Marlo

[TG CLare]

Dear Shads;

There is really no wrong or right time to transition. I started when I was 58. I could no longer supress my inner self any longer and since that time I have been a whole lot happier.

Sure, it would have been easier in my much younger years but I say better late than never.

I find that when I came to grips with myself, every thing seemed to be rushed. Very much like a dam bursting. There's a sudden rush of water then eventually the flow slows down and the flood waters recede. Same thing here. I wanted to do everything but now I'm much calmer.

Do I "pass"? Sometimes, but it doesn't bother me. I am me and not every woman is a beauty queen.

In time you'll find yourself and through assistance know what you want to do.

I wish you well and much happiness.

Love,
Clare