So... I'm about two days in hormones. I'm excited about the future, albeit a bit nervous- I feel ready.
Something happened recently, however. Whenever I ask my family so say that is on their mind, they find that it's difficult to- that's how I'm reasoning with it, they don't really leave me an explanation as to why. I thought that they were supportive of my choices. I thought that once I've shown my cards, that we would talk about it. Now that it's very 'real' for all of us, they're giving their opinions. Maybe their opinions came from the realization that this is actually happening- maybe they've always felt that way. I just wish that I had a better idea, because I'm swarmed with guilt.
It's eating at me, I'm constantly bothered by their minds and their words- I can't stop contemplating. I can't stop thinking about what they've said, and what they've repeated.
This was all two days ago. Everyone was on board that I was starting this path, and I never heard an objection.
My mother said that no one would know if I was a girl or a boy, and that it's unnatural, that god created these bodies, and changing them would be unjust, that I will face hardships and see it on my own (which I gladly know, which tends to come with anything I am appreciative of).
My brother echoed what she said. I realize that it will hurt them- I also feel that that pain is an inevitable thing. I didn't want to wait until my parents were dead, and that wasn't just because I wanted to pursue hormones when I was younger. It was because I wanted to be vocally, aesthetically honest, and I wanted them to know first hand who their child is and wants to become. I felt that I wouldn't be honest if i hadn't have done so.
In unison they've said that it's a very selfish thing to do. I can understand that, that it affects them, and they don't know what to say to their loved ones, that it's hard 'explaining it'. It's always to do with other people, with them. It's the perception of others that rules and destroys my family, that is the way they live, and that is the way that they want to imprison me- I don't want to be swallowed in fear. I want to finally live with the peace, knowing that I'm doing what I've wanted to do, that this setback is now a push forward for me and my life.
I don't feel as though it's a selfish thing to change the way that I look, if it betters who I am. I won't be a different person- I might be more confident, I might be more loud, but I never associated those traits with anything negative, just better.
When reality hits, people react. I know this. I just hope that it gets easier.
