Binary Attraction Confusion: I love her and want him.

[pascalrascal]

Hey beautiful people, I am one confused chikee over here and I am hoping that some of you may share some of your expertise or insight into this situation I have here.

I am a 25 year old cis woman in a 1.5 year relationship with my beloved who happens to be a 31 year old transwoman. We have had many happy times and even in the ->-bleeped-<-y moments always manage to get back to baseline.

However I have recently been having increasing fantasies about being involved with her previous male self. These fantasies only occur after we have a fight and I feel misunderstood, insecure, ect with her. Now our arguments have not been as frequent as these fantasies, but she has recently gone out of province to visit her family, and they have become more apparent.

In tandem I have progressively felt less and less comfortable and able to be the fem I am. I do not feel sexy around her and I no longer know how to flirt or be a tease. By no means do we take heteronormative roles, but in the past I was able to turn it on, and now not.

I'm very concerned by these thoughts because I know this is not a possibility in our relationship and more over, I was initially very attracted to her (and still do). I don't know why and am wondering if any other cis women in relationships similar to my own have experienced this, and if any trans women have any suggestions about if I should and how I could talk about this with her.

Thank you so much for reading through my world!

[JoanneB]

Perhaps this is a manifestation of what I call "When reality slowly sets in" syndrome? SO's try to be supportive at first and may genuinely be so. But life with a trans person is not the sort of life they wanted in their heart of hearts. Maybe miss "Makeup sex" being the way it was, which leads to other thoughts of lost desires and wants?

After my 1st marriage in part to her finding out I was trans I was in a relationship with another woman. I told her what I was and she was cool with it. We got engaged after a couple more years and about a year later wedding date pressures from family began. Well, she cracked, suddenly calling off everything with no warning or even the why. Years later through a mutual friend I learned why. "I wasn't a real man". Deep down inside she just could not see herself sharing her life with a trans

[pascalrascal]

Thank you Joanne for sharing your thoughts.
I have thought about it being that way as well too. I suppose sometimes we just keep ourselves delusional when it comes to potentially big changes and losses. 

Another thought that has come to mind in reading what you mentioned about the possibility of missing make up sex, I think it could also be missing sex in general. We used to have sex far more frequently and she wanted me, now we rarely have it, and I feel like a pest at times if i do want it. I do feel undesired by her.

Maybe if we talked about this and figured out why and how to reach a happy medium these fantasies would be less apparent.
I know find her attractive, I just lose it when she is not the person I fell for. And this desire for the male version, at least satisfies me at a very base level, regardless of emotional bond. Where as I am sexually attracted to her based on our emotional bond,and when that is gone there is no glue to keep me there.

Thank you for getting my thoughts rolling in a proactive direction.

[Valwen]

part of your attraction to her previous male self could simply be due to how much simpler things where back then, everything was like it is on TV. a man you love a future together cue white picket fence and 2.5 kids. When you have a fight you think back to when things where easier or at least easier in your memories and from your point a view and you think of them before.

Really I think you need to talk to her about how your feeling, perhaps see a couples thearpist who can help you with this. You should also talk to them about the sex thing, its possible hormones have lowered there sex drive and if they where the primary initiator of sex before there not craving it as often may be negitivly effecting you if it makes you uncomfortable to be the initiator. its possible she wants to be physical with you more often but feels uncomrfortable or thinks her changeing body makes you uncomfortable. Once again, talk about it. You may not have considered sex super important to you back when it was something you regularly did but now find yourself realizing you want it and its perfectly acceptable and encouraged to bring the subject up.

Communication, compassion, comprimise. the three C's of a healthy relationship.

Serena, who is over romanticising what she never had and probebly over analizing the situation.

[Obfuskatie]

If you'll forgive me oversimplifying, are you bisexual or gay? It could simply be a matter of your loving and respecting her, but not in a sexual way. If you do find her sexually appealing, liking the uncomplicated idea of "who we had," is a way of avoiding messy reality. Of course you're going to sometimes miss the simpler relationship, but that was merely a small portion of who your SO is.
Hormones often lower the sex drive in trans women, there may be ways of adding supplements to her diet and exercise routine that will restore some of her libido. That's something she'll have to figure out with her prescribing physician.
While she is transitioning, your relationship is going to have to transition as well. Your roles in the relationship need to find a happy balance. When you're in the mood for whatever, ask for it confidently and without judgement or reproach if it isn't something she can manage at the time. She is going to have to relearn how to approach sex in a way that doesn't leave her feeling dysphoric. She may or may not want to have PIV sex anymore but she could use a strap on dildo possibly, and she'd probably be more comfortable if you'd do the same for her (I recommend a feeldoe, you'll get more into it when you are stimulated at the same time). Remember that she could have low confidence because you knew her when she presented male. Attempting to be 100% feminine all the time is as exhausting as doing the opposite, but it will take her time to gain the confidence in her womanhood to express herself fully with more of a balance of both her masculine and feminine parts.
Another poster stated above the three C's of a good relationship. I'd like to add two more and make it 5 C's: Confidence & Cunnilingus. They are both necessary for lesbians IMO. If she wants to make you feel sexy and isn't able to maintain arousal because of the pharmacological effects of HRT, her tongue, mouth and fingers still work. Confidence is needed on both ends, especially because the both of you have to reestablish what you like and what you want. Variety is also very important to maintain a healthy sex life.
There's this amazing checklist that both of you can fill out together, that enumerates all of the aspects of sexual and physical contact and where you want to be touched or want done with and to you, as well as what gets you off and what you want to do. If you'll send me a pm, I can give you a link to it. It's part of an NSFW webcomic attached to Khaoskomix, where one of the relationships story is centered on a guy who was abused as a kid and a transwoman. The list was for making clear the ways he couldn't handle being touched without being triggered as well as what she didn't want to do because it would make her dysphoric or anxious. It's super cool, and the two of you can fill it out together or separately as long as you go over it with each other after. Both of you are going to need to know what the other wants and how to give it to them in order to gain the confidence to know how to flirt and tease and f-makelove =3
Also, you don't have to become more masculine to compensate for her embracing her femininity. You just have to adjust and forgive both of you for not being perfect or uncomplicated.

     Hugs,
- Katie
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