Needing Something Positive

[MadisonMN]

Hey everyone,

It's been awhile since I've been on these boards, but I didn't really know where else to turn. I've been going to therapy sessions for over six months now about my gender identity, and my parents and siblings are aware of it. Though they aren't all immediately supportive, none of them think any less of me. Not that they should.

I just feel so very, very far away from obtaining any happiness that every day is feeling like a struggle again. I've dealt with severe, chronic depression all my life, but it's been very powerful this last month. My mother bought me a bra the other day, which was an enormous step for me. Just asking for it over the phone took all my strength. I thought I'd be happy about it -- and I was. But after looking in the mirror, I saw how I really looked. I may feel one way on the inside, but seeing my outward self hurts so much. It's hard to tell if my journey is just started, if it's well underweigh, or if I'm not even close to the starting line.

Though I've always had suicidal ideations, the mounting hopelessness is really amplifying things. I know my parents love me, but I can't talk to them about this. It's more my own hang-up than theirs, but I just can't bring myself to talking about it in person with them. Therapy doesn't seem to be helping this aspect.

So I have the bra tucked away in the corner of my closet, where nobody in the house can see it -- not that they would care if they did, but again, I just don't want them to see it. I want to wear it, but when I think about that, I remember how I looked in the mirror -- just a barrel-chested boy wearing a bra. Of course, the self-loathing comes out, and I continue to spiral down. It's terribly ironic that what I always wanted to ask my mom for is causing me an insurmountable amount of sadness.

I'm just not sure if I can do this anymore. I don't want to end my life and hurt my family and loved ones, but I just don't know what to do. At my weakest times I consider suppressing my real identity again, as I did for the last 20+ years, but when I think of that, I immediately feel that fatigue of putting on a persona for an entire lifetime -- a persona that nobody would believe now.

So please, I'm at my wit's end today. I'm sitting in my grey, blank-walled room. It's cold and grey outside. I have no more energy to leave the house or to keep thinking enough to add on to this post. If any of you have any advice, or anything positive to say, I would really appreciate it.

Thanks,

MadisonMN

[Dena]

It is a struggle at first. I looked in the mirror and seen a tall guy with a short haircut and pretty skinny. Makeup, hair, beard removal and voce lessons and I looked a bit better. Next came getting a new job as a woman. I was meeting new people I had never seen before and I badly need a job from them which after a few months, I found. Still I looked at the mirror and saw the old face staring at me. Then one day that face wasn't in the mirror any more but it looked more like my mothers face. That was the day I knew I no longer looked like a man but instead a woman.

You have a ways to go and it will take work. You will get discourage at times but the people at Susan's are or have been where you are and are more than willing to help. You have a feminine garment so what would you like to do next. The more you work on creating the new you, the less time you will have to be depressed about yourself.

Something else to remember is you will see the woman in the mirror last. Others will see her long before you do so if people tell you that you are feminine, believe them.

[LizK]

Hi MadisonM

I can hear you hurting and you sound like you need a big hug  **HUG**

I am much older than you and when I see myself in the bra and panties I feel the same as you but...it is not the reason I wear it,. It helps satisfy that deep need in me to express my female soul in some way. It helps with the Dysphoria, and I can "trick" my brain into thinking I am dressed by the simple sensation of wearing the undergarments. Wear if for yourself and imagine what you will look like once you can fill it out. I had to get over the shame which is bought on by male conditioning because when it gets down to it..it is nothing more than a bit of cloth with a few stiches in it. If it makes you happy then I implore you to wear it...you don't have to show anyone.

Its Ok to be sacred I think we all feel a bit that way about all facets of our transition. It is great your Mum bought you a bra, sounds like she is supportive and could be a great ally for you. Talk to your Mum or Dad, talk to your therapist, let them know how you are feeling.

I hope some of that helps you feel a bit better.

Hugs

Sarah T

[Katy]

Dear Madison,

I feel your pain.  I wish there was something I could do to move you in the right direction, but the only tool available to me are mere words.  Somehow words seem inadequate.  I would urge to get out of that grey room,  You need to interact with people.  If you can't talk to family about what's troubling you, just talk to them about anything and everything.  Get involved in their lives in new ways.  Cook a meal with your mum.  Watch a football game with your father.  Play a card game or board game with your family.  Invite them to go for a long walk or a bike ride. 

Secondly, you need to share these thoughts with your therapist.  Lay it on the line.  Be completely open.  Yes, you need to spend time on larger issues confronting you, but right now you need to learn some immediate coping strategies. 

There is a path forward.  I don't know what it is, but it does exist.  However, until you discover the roadmap for the rest of your lie, you need to find ways of getting through a day without that feeling of hopelessness.

Be strong.  Be safe.   

I wish you all the best,

Kati

[Miyuki]

So reading your post, I was kind of left wondering, where do you really want to see things go from here? Do you want to start HRT and move forward with your transition, are you having second thoughts, do you have any specific goals or plans for the future in general? I know from experience, the times when things seem the darkest are when you believe the way things are is the way they are going to stay forever, and nothing you can do will change anything. But I also know from experience this is almost never true, and that things do eventually get better if you keep pushing forward. I actually started my transition around the same age as you are right now (although I was on low dose HRT and still pretty much in the closet for another two years), and I happen to live in Minnesota (in the south western suburbs). If you ever want to just hang out and talk with someone who is more on the other side of their transition, just send me a PM.

[MadisonMN]

So reading your post, I was kind of left wondering, where do you really want to see things go from here? Do you want to start HRT and move forward with your transition, are you having second thoughts, do you have any specific goals or plans for the future in general? I know from experience, the times when things seem the darkest are when you believe the way things are is the way they are going to stay forever, and nothing you can do will change anything. But I also know from experience this is almost never true, and that things do eventually get better if you keep pushing forward. I actually started my transition around the same age as you are right now (although I was on low dose HRT and still pretty much in the closet for another two years), and I happen to live in Minnesota (in the south western suburbs). If you ever want to just hang out and talk with someone who is more on the other side of their transition, just send me a PM.

Hi Miyuki, thank you for your kind words

Thank ALL of you for your kind words.

In response, I'm really not sure where I'm going from here. I really do want to transition, but I'm finding it hard to even envision it as a possibility at this point. I'd like to start HRT before spring, but that all depends where I'll be at by then. If I'm still stuck in a rut of self-loathing, I feel like I shouldn't even consider it. I need to learn to be okay with who I am, because I know HRT isn't going to magically fix things.

I'm feeling a little bit better since posting this thankfully, and you all have helped so much. Thanks for taking the time to reply to my post.

[Miyuki]

I'm glad it helped. Just remember, HRT often has a very positive effect on your mental well being. If you're sure HRT is what you want, don't delay it just because you're still not in the most positive place mentally. HRT may quite possibly be the best thing you could do to get yourself out of that state.

[Maddy_Aya_W.]

Madison,

I know it can be hard to try to be yourself, and the feeling of hating one's identity all too well. It's definitely a struggle, and it seems the only way it gets better is to actually live as yourself. Having experiences as your true self will give you a better perspective on the situation. I won't lie, and say they're all going to be positive, there are always people who will laugh, or joke for whatever reason. Suicide is a long term answer, to short term problems. My psychiatrist suggested to me when I started seeing her exactly what I'm telling you now. Take those first steps, it's horrifying, I know. The more you face the world as your true self, the easier it gets. I didn't start leaving my house until recently. Each time I left, however, it became easier to do so the next time. It only continues to get easier, now I leave the house dressed at least once a week, and each time I feel less anxious than the last. Just ignore the negative people, do what you need to do to be happy. Life definitely isn't much fun if you aren't happy, and comfortable, which only makes suicide seem more appealing. The anxiety of leaving won't kill you, but living in a situation where you are unhappy just may. Don't hate who you are, embrace it. The more you do, the better you'll feel.

Please seek help if you seriously begin to consider suicide, you are a special human being, and the world won't be any better off without you.

Hugs,
Maddy