Misgendered at Work~

[Ⓥ]

So I'm at my wits end and it's very unhealthy
Preemptive 'sorry' for the vent!

Setup:  I've been at my job for 7+ years and went full-time 3 months ago.  There was a month of leave for minor FFS before I came back as me.  Prior to that, I had a plan to slowly shift my image over the course of 6 months to lessen the impact to co-workers... y'know, to put enough hints on the table so that even the most non-perceptive and inept could figure out what was going on.  This worked well for most; though most just thought I was gay... I didn't mind that at all, however.  Some people just had 0 clue lol.

After telling my boss, HR and Civil Rights got involved and I felt pretty good about things... things felt comfy and safe.  A mass e-mail was sent out during my leave notifying all staff of my transition, and a directive to address me as my new legal name and to use pronouns.  So I arrived to work on day 1 as me and felt wonderful... a new leaf; a new me; a new, more positive supervisor in the mix!  A good chunk of my female co-workers were even genuinely happy and excited for me hehe.

Currently:  I get misgendered and called my old name by my co-workers daily.  It took all of two weeks to basically take that upbeat, new me and grind me down to a pulp, ultimately nearly getting fired due to various circumstances (that's another thread though).  When I get misgendered/named, my reaction is always negative and it's really bumming me out.  Every day I come into work bracing myself.  It's random too... it's not as if it's one or two employees who are just being ->-bleeped-<-s.  No one is intentionally doing this, but my Civil Rights rep DID say to me, "you seem to try to see the best in people... do you think it's intentional and you don't even realize it"?  I dunno.  Not surprisingly though, the VAST majority of incidents are from the males (95% +).

It's not a complete mystery to me why this is happening, really.  After 7 years, it's like an extended family and that's a good chunk of time to leave behind and adapt to something new.  Hey, I get that.  I was also quite masculine and a big flirt and my new reality is a bit jarring to people who knew me before (it feels like the common peoples view of transition is that people do this just to sleep with men).  What does bother me and is mysterious to me is that it's been 3 months and nothing has changed.  Folks have said, "it takes time"... "it's a big adjustment"... "it's so hard"... blah!  It always hurts and it always feels like people don't care.  If they cared enough, it wouldn't happen;  I truly believe that!!

This part sounds ->-bleeped-<-ty, but I could have a better grasp of all this if I was a tall, deep-voiced, husky, unpassable girl.  In public, in all types of situations speaking, interacting, just living, I've been misgendered not twice, not once, but zero times.  I'm so happy and alive and comfortable and fear nothing outside of work... but I've become so stoic at work due to all of this.  Ugh...

The Future:  So I write this because I don't know what to do anymore... advice would be awesome!

I kinda want another job because I know for a fact this wouldn't be an issue.  If I leave though, it's like I conceded a loss... I shouldn't have to leave MY position due to others faults!  Also I don't know how to react.  I feel like:

• If I correct people every single time, I fear I'd come across as over-sensitive, picky, and frankly it's not as if I'm telling anyone anything they don't already know.  They know exactly what they're 'supposed' to do.  It also just feels awkward to correct people, especially in group settings.  I don't want to seem like a crazy zealot over the matter.
• If I say nothing and just stay cool as a cucumber, it would make folks feel like it doesn't matter, potentially making it all worse.  You're basically giving them the green light to continue it without any repercussions whatsoever.  I want it to be like this, honestly.  I want it to not hurt when it happens... to not care.  Pipe dream on my part, heh.

Look, I don't want to make a big stink of this.  Another e-mail from Civil Rights may help, but that'll just draw even MORE attention on the matter and that's the antithesis of what I'd prefer.  I don't want fear to be a motivating factor either.  Really just feels like it's a situation with no winning solution.  I think I'm just screwed, more or less

For any of you who have had similar job experiences... is 3 months too early to adjust?  Does it ever really end, over time?  What is the next logical step?  What's the best, least drama-ish response to misgenderings by co-workers?  Help!!! (and thank you!)

[Black Arrow]

If I correct people every single time, I fear I'd come across as over-sensitive, picky, and frankly it's not as if I'm telling anyone anything they don't already know.  They know exactly what they're 'supposed' to do.  It also just feels awkward to correct people, especially in group settings.  I don't want to seem like a crazy zealot over the matter.

That's kind of their problem though, not yours. In fact, I'd wager it's them who are more likely to be the crazy zealots. Why do you feel like you are at fault for expecting people to gender you correctly?

If I say nothing and just stay cool as a cucumber, it would make folks feel like it doesn't matter, potentially making it all worse.  You're basically giving them the green light to continue it without any repercussions whatsoever.

You are absolutely correct about this part. 

Look, I don't want to make a big stink of this.  Another e-mail from Civil Rights may help, but that'll just draw even MORE attention on the matter and that's the antithesis of what I'd prefer.

- Not making a big stink of this
- Succeed in getting people to gender you correctly

Pick one. That's how it works - you have to assert yourself. If you still fail, then it's likely your work environment is too toxic anyways to endure for long.

What's the best, least drama-ish response to misgenderings by co-workers?

Just calmly correct them every. Single. Time. Give them a 15-30 second lecture about how to address you correctly every time this happens (but be careful that you do not seem frustrated about it, so that you don't encourage troll behavior), and they'll eventually realize it's not worth the bother to heckle you. (Rest assured, if they do it and don't correct themselves and apologize properly for it afterwards, it's intentional, whatever else it may seem to be.)

[suzifrommd]

Two ways people are misgendered:
* By accident.
* On purpose.

If someone misgenders you or misnames you by accident, let them know you expect them to apologize (briefly). That way you know it's an accident.

If someone misgenders you on purpose, that is an insult and hostile disrespect. Treat it as you would any other insult or harassment. Make sure they understand the seriousness of their actions and if they do not stop, you can deal with this as workplace harassment and a hostile work environment.

[iKate]

Your management needs to have a staff meeting and make it clear what your name and pronouns are. Also a gentle but firm reminder that misgendering wont be tolerated. You don't have to be at that meeting.

I've had it occasionally but it is usually followed by a profuse apology. None of it is malicious. It's pretty rare now.

[RavenL]

I'm still misgendered every so often at work. Not by my old name just the wrong pronouns. I corrected people from day one every time that they slipped up. And now all I get is the occasional sir, he or him on accident and a sorry right away. One thing that helped I guess is I usually talk over a radio to everyone else so whenever someone messes up I correct them over the radio and everyone else hears. Kind of harsh in a way but I'm only having go do that every couple times a week.

Also I guess that it helps that many people help out. Since a few weeks ago one manager was asking another manager can I give these keys to him? And the other guy asked him who is him? Anymore I just take it with a grain of salt since everyone knew me as D for four years so it's still sinking in.

Sent from my SM-N900T using Tapatalk

[kittenpower]

I had issues on the job when I transitioned, so I went somewhere else where none of my new co-workers knew me before I transitioned. 

[KristinaM]

Intentional misgendering and misnaming is protected under workplace discrimination and harassment laws. Make sure they know that.

Correct people. Every. Single. Time. Calmly. If someone addresses you wrongly, you can also feel free to completely ignore them since you have no idea who they're talking to. "(Old name) who? He doesn't work here anymore I think..."

And again, harassment and discrimination is potentially a fireable offense. Don't let them walk all over you like that. Stand up for yourself and take action. You deserve the same respect as everyone else. So when Jim calls you by the wrong name, call him Sally and see how he likes it.

Sent from my Nexus 5 using Tapatalk

[Sammym]

I know you have said that quitting is a conceded loss, but it really can be good.

This was my choice after harassment on the job for the company I transitioned at. Mentally it was tough going, but it was the fact that my health was being impacted that sealed the deal. My health is way more important than any job or any related loss.

And well I've not had any issues since I changed jobs. 

[iKate]

Intentional misgendering and misnaming is protected under workplace discrimination and harassment laws. Make sure they know that.

Correct people. Every. Single. Time. Calmly. If someone addresses you wrongly, you can also feel free to completely ignore them since you have no idea who they're talking to. "(Old name) who? He doesn't work here anymore I think..."

And again, harassment and discrimination is potentially a fireable offense. Don't let them walk all over you like that. Stand up for yourself and take action. You deserve the same respect as everyone else. So when Jim calls you by the wrong name, call him Sally and see how he likes it.

Sent from my Nexus 5 using Tapatalk

This.

I've walked out of a meeting once when one person just did it over and over without even realizing it. I explained to her later privately what she was doing and how it made me feel. She apologized and said she didn't even realize (she had her back turned to me).

What has helped me a lot is that I made a pretty sudden switch. People knew something was up as I would wear baggy clothing every day and my hair was growing, as well as my brows thinning and my appearance changing in general. It's only when we had the staff meeting to announce my transition were people finally made aware.

It really helped that one of the directors was a really close ally and had been my friend for a while. She is also the only woman on that level of management in our department and she said she was glad that we would have more female presence among senior employees (which I am).

Emails don't really make a big impact. A meeting does. Let people be told this face to face that you are you and maybe also gently remind people of the anti discrimination policies. It would go a long way.

Yes I can (and possibly will) change jobs but staying in this one for now allows me to use benefits I wouldn't have in a new job such as extra vacation time and established disability insurance so I can complete the long arduous recovery of SRS and maybe FFS which I will complete over the next couple of years money permitting. Also there is no risk of being outed because people know you're trans. In a new job if you go stealth you have to worry about that. If you pass well you have to worry about that less. But as I said, post SRS and post FFS I may jump to another opportunity for a fresh start. I have other reasons too like a currently awful commute.

[Ⓥ]

Thank you very kindly for the advice homey-g-monies.

A job transfer would be ideal honestly but I got lucky with my current one and it'd be tough to find comparable pay/benefits elsewhere.  Kinda stuck there for a good while

You guys have definitely encouraged me to be more assertive, but... I dunno... still don't really have a solid game-plan figured out.  I'm really not the kind of girl that wants to see people getting punished, written up, or (God forbid) fired over me.

I guess I'll just have to take them out one by one, hit-man style.

[Sammym]

I guess I'll just have to take them out one by one, hit-man style.

On a side note, have you ever seen the tv show called Hit & Miss? 

[Ⓥ]

On a side note, have you ever seen the tv show called Hit & Miss? 

Negatory; way more of an internet nerd than T.V. person!

[Ms Grace]

My tactic was to ask "who?" if they used my old name or misgendered me. And I would ask it as soon as they said it, and I would say it over the top of them. Most of the time that would force them to stop, apologise and they would then use the right name/pronoun before continuing. See they have to do it themselves, they have to rewire their brain themselves and that won't happen if you correct them yourself or you ignore it.

I found the issue was generally worse with older people - the grey matter clearly wasn't quite as rubbery to cope with the change but they got there. I had a talk with one of them who was wondering why she would frequently misgender me - I said, it's because at some level you're not seeing me as female and she had to admit that was right. Unfortunately I forget the exercises we used to get her to work past that.

In my case it was only about 20 colleagues and they were all supportive and wanted to get it right. I think you will always find it harder for those that don't care all that much, or worse, are against you. For those that are doing it deliberately it's time to have a chat with HR. For the supportive ones maybe just have a chat,tell them it is extremely important to you that they use the right gender and name with you, not doing so is actually hurtful so you appreciate their effort to date but need to ask for a bit more.

[Kylo]

Three years on and family members are still calling me, she, it, whatever else. I get the feeling some people never or refuse to adjust.

I see why you might think of leaving as defeat but I would just think of it as a new beginning and a fresh start. Those are good things if you are capable of taking them on. I would just get another job if I could, it's not a crime to start over.

[Kathleenmarie]

I got fired from my job for transitioning, so that's not much of a help, but I would say that if it's happening over and over, and you want to stay there, your gonna have to make itstop yourself.  There is nothing wrong with standing up for yourself just as anyone else would.

[Cindy]

Sorry if this is facetious.
One manager did continually mis gender me and I finally had enough. So in front of the meeting I stood and told him that the next time hi deliberately insulted me that I would cut off his testicles, dip on in silver and the other in gold and he could wear them as ear rings and see how he liked to be treated as a freak.
No one ever mis gendered me again!

[Katiepie]

I'm still mis gendered all the time. Always have to correct everyone daily. I'm sure its them forgetting to realize who I am, and well despite the clothing, my face still is masculine and hair having to be short for military, and no wigs.. etc... They just are not into common sense. Name wise I am legally going by my last name as well, which I cannot go by Kate, due to their policies being stupid. And so in this case that probably gives a confusion to my coworkers to "forget" things.

Kate <3