Hi everyone,
I'm pretty desperate at the moment and could use some help as I've been questioning my sexual identity lately and its eating me up alive. It's important to know that I've been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, way before this thought popped up in my head. I'm a 26-year-old female and have been OCD about being transsexual for the last 3-4 weeks. I'm seeing a therapist for the anxiety, but I opened up to her about my new worry that I've been obsessing about.
First of all, I should tell you a little bit about myself. Ive always identified as a woman, have never questioned my gender until lately.
When I grew up, I was what people consider a "tomboy". I played with pretty much everything, ranging from cars to barbies, dolls, Lego, everything. I was happy as a child and always wanted to be like the boys, had short hair and played soccer. When I hit puberty, this changed, though. I grew my hair and had more girlfriends. I've always been very extroverted, a chatterbox. My favourite subjects in school were languages. I sucked at everything science. I was never really the typical girl, and my family always compared me to my very feminine cousins. I did wear dresses and skirts, but I never wore nail polish or spent a lot of time in the bathroom. But lots of guys were into me regardless. I knew from an early age on, though, that I was bisexual, leaning more towards being into women, though. I've only been with men in real life, though, however, I could never open up to them sexually. It wasn't because of my body, but a mental thing. I guess lots of women experience that.
Anyway, I did something that I'm not really proud of and feel guilty about, which lead me to the thought that I might be transsexual. I posed a man online, a guy I was in love with, to chat with girls and form romantic online relationships. I did this for a while. Of course it was easy, because I was anonymous. I stopped doing that, though, and told my therapist as well as the girls about it.
My therapist thinks I might have been shy and this was a safe way to experiment for me, however, since my anxiety makes me believe anything horrible and makes me catastrophize a lot, out of nowhere, the thought of being transsexual popped up in my head and I haven't been able to get rid of it for a while now.
Out of fear, I've already involved my family and told them under tears that I might be trans to which they said it wasn't a problem, but that didn't decrease my anxiety. I keep seeking reassurance from friends who all confirmed to me that I strike them as very feminine, and they're right as far as some of my mind is concerned. I'm a feeler, extremely emotional, anxious, musically and artsy talented, love languages and my appearance is very feminine, however, sometimes I feel so masculine because I like soccer, talk like a boy, don't sit cross-legged. My anxiety is high and makes me feel like I've just been fooling myself and test myself everyday to check if I still feel comfortable in my own body. And I just don't knkw anymore! The anxiety makes me believe anything. I told my friends that my online relationships with women must be proof that I'm a transsexual who was leading a double life. They doubt that, and so does my therapist, but I'm ready to believe anything and feel so torn.
My question is, how and when did you guys find out you were trans and how were you feeling inside? Did your anxiety go down once you found out? Mine is super high when thinking of getting my genitals replaced and I cry every night and have been obsessing about this. I don't know who I am anymore. Did I just not notice that I was trans? I'm so scared of this it freaks me out.
Could you please share your experiences? I'd be extremely grateful.
