Feeling annoyed I waited so long but still so damn confused!

[jennyfk]

Cutting to the chase I guess!

Im a 35 year old mtf transsexual who in the past four weeks has got sick of a lifetime of hiding due to all the usual reasons of friends and family not accepting me if they truly knew who I was.

Like most mtf girls I've known since childhood I was born in the wrong body but have mostly gone out of my way to ignore it and bury it with rationalising and even go so far as ridiculing myself.

Over the years the happiest time of my life has been for the brief periods I lived as a woman. First was back 8 years ago when my long term relationship broke down and I spent a lot of time in isolation and so spend three months in living as a woman in private. This ended when I met the love of my life and we had a rollercoaster two years together where I came out to her as mtf after 3-4 months and she fully accepted me as a woman and I once again began living as a woman in private but this time with a lover.

We were even planning my transition and id started HRT (via websites and means we aren't allowed to mention here). Alas all good things come to an end and when she fell pregnant I (we) rejected my obvious status as transsexual woman and found a steady paid job to look after mummy and baby as the most capable breadwinner.

Fast forward six years and baby is now a beautiful boy and such a confident and delight to be around. I on the other hand am consumed with thoughts about the time I've wasted living in the wrong body and am in one moment i am fully focussed on who and what i am and how i want to live the next i am thinking I am far too vain to ever live as a woman thinking I would never pass and a life time spent in the wrong body is preferable to being s->-bleeped-<-ed at.

The feelings just won't quieten and I'm frustrated and confused with each passing day. My gf is lovely and supports me 100% with any cross dressing, which as pathetic as that sounds helps dull the ache, but she herself told me recently I'm not a cross dresser and that it was just a sticking plaster over the underlying problem. She was also upfront about not being a lesbian and as much as we fooled around as two girls back when we first met there is no suggestion she will continue a sexual relationship with me if I staff my transition.

I feel like I'm waiting for someone to push me into a decision because I'm still so scared of other peoples opinions if I live the life I ought to live. Another thing is all these missed years on HRT made me cry in the bath here the other night and the puritanical system here in the UK demands you come out to everyone and live as a woman for 3 months before getting any hormones prescribed. I am not ready to do that with my son just right now but I also don't want to follow an arbitrary transition program dictated by the state.

Do any UK girls know a legitimate medical process where involving private health care providers that I can follow?

Lots of thoughts and feelings just chucked out there. Any feedback is welcome and glad I found this resource.

X
jennifer

[Jacqueline]

Jennifer

It all sounds really tough. I'm from the US.  I am about to turn 51. I was so clueless or in such denial that I only came to face all this last March. I just had my 25th wedding anniversary with three teen age daughters.

Sounds like you have known for a long time. It also sounds agonizing. I think in ways, it was easier for me before I realized what I am (MTF). Now that I am aware, I find myself mentally returning to the idea of transitioning. I find myself very jealous of genetic females and young trans women who had a chance to change early in life(no hate, just a sadness). However, in general life has light that was lacking before.

When I came out to my wife, she has been incredibly supportive. Although, she said she is not a lesbian I am being allowed to explore to see how far I will have to go to reach a feeling of calm that is more consistent. This sounds kind of similar to what you have described.

I too thought I would never go very far with this because with my age I feel I will not pass. However, the feelings do not go away. Even before I knew what this all was, I was becoming more morose, moody, angry and uncontrollable. I may have to transition farther than I realized to stay with this improved spot I have reached. I have found therapy very helpful. Is that something you are able to do? Writing, visiting this site, being honest with my wife and going to therapy have helped so much.  However, I can completely sympathize with the desires and fears of transitioning. Many will tell you that you don't have to completely transition.

I don't have any answers for you. I barely am making some up for myself. I just wish you luck, love, acceptance, and a smooth journey wherever it takes you.

Sorry I am a little scattered. I am just coming off of one of 8 or 9 weeks of the year where I put in a lot of time at work.

With warmth,

Joanna

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. I am also a yank from the south west United States and at some point in our lives, we have to face some very hard decisions about what we are going to do with our life. Marriages have about a 50/50 chance of surviving a transition and there is no way of telling in advance which way it will go. As you have noticed, you feelings aren't getting any better and if anything they are getting worst as time goes on. A few people on this board waited to long to make this decision and medical issues prevent them from finishing their transition. The earlier you transition, the fewer complications you will have. While I moved into my life at age 28, I was careful to avoid complications that would interfere with my transition. You need to do some thinking and some talking with your wife and decide what is most important in your life. If you decide the transition is the direction you need, do your best to see it through.

We issue to all new members the following links so you will best be able to use the web site.

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

[KristinaM]

I feel like I'm waiting for someone to push me into a decision because I'm still so scared of other peoples opinions if I live the life I ought to live.

Well, here's a little push from me to you!



Or a poke anyways, hehe.

I don't live in the UK, so I can't really answer your questions, but best of luck to you!

[jennyfk]

Thanks for the replies and support girls it means so much when you're convinced you're all alone and there really isn't any hope.

Maybe it was reading all the insight and personal stories on here but I came out again, with sooooo many tears - all from me, to my gf last night and she 100% supports my feelings and the reality of my situation. She even got so cross with my parents for ignoring the obvious signs of gender dysphoria my whole childhood!

We're going to start my transition ASAP first and foremost she wants me to come out to my Mom as a transgender woman which is a huuuuge step for me but she's going to be with me every step of the way.

Too early to say how our relationship will stay the course but being absolutely in love with each other means we're not even worried where we end up.

We agreed (she suggested too) my transition should be a stealth one at first and we move my wardrobe more andro etc.

Anyone with any tips and experience on transitioning with young children or can point me to a thread I would be so grateful.

Thanks again everyone and lol@KristinaM I guess that was the push/poke I needed!

[Dena]

The younger the children are the more accepting they are. The important thing is to explain it in you own word and keep it simple. Much like when you explain to them where babies come from. If they have more questions then answer them. Work off the idea that daddy has always felt like a girl on the inside and we are going to fix it but you will always be loved and cared for just like before. If they are much older and have been following the news lately, they may know a good deal about this already. Play it by ear and adapt to your children.

[jennyfk]

Thanks for the wisdom Dena will definitely be playing it by ear and our home is such a loving one already and we will certainly make sure he knows and understands our love for him will never change.

Joanna really appreciate the support and advice  and totally empathise with your situation.  I guess I'm worrying about vanity when I should be more concerned with sanity lol. I'm a fairly attractive (so I'm told) boy with a bit of an andro look so I'm hoping with FFS to my forehead, rhinoplasty and light jaw work I'll pass "okay". My gf is drop dead gorgeous and says I'll pass no problem but I look in the mirror and think love is blind! I really hope you find your happy place and go as far as you need to in your journey. Mine is just beginning and when I finally stop crying I'll book my appointment with the Doctor and get my referral!

Jenny

[chuufk]

Do any UK girls know a legitimate medical process where involving private health care providers that I can follow?

Apparently I am not supposed to post links but you need to know this so what I am supposed to do?

Two legitimate private medical professionals to help you.

Dr Richard Curtis - http://transhealth.co.uk/

Dr Stuart Lorimar - http://gendercare.co.uk/

Dr Lorimer & his lot also work in the NHS Gender Clinics and I saw him there and Dr Seal is my endocronlogist, but Dr Curtis is easier to get an appointment with. I have never dealt with Dr Curtis but two of my friends started with him.

Once you have seen these people and (if you do so) started hormones, go and see your own GP and ask them to take over the prescription and convert it to an NHS one and ask your GP to refer you to a Gender Identity Clinic (GIC) if that is what you want to do. The waits for GICs are long but if you have commenced HRT then it gets easier.

[jennyfk]

@chuufk you are literally a lifesaver thank you sooooo much.

Jenny

[AshleyT]

I went through Dr Curtis this year after looking at the GIC waiting times, and it has been a positive experience for me. Your first appointment would be with a therapist who works with Curtis, with the possibility of one or more counseling sessions before an appointment with Dr Curtis for HRT. The whole process from first contact to hormones took just under five months for me, and the counseling sessions were actually extremely useful too. No need for RLE for the hormones 

[Kayla Marie]

My situation is pretty similar to yours. I too am 35 (36 in 3 months ) and I have a 9 year old daughter. My biggest regret is never finding the courage to be honest with my wife. I loved her with all my heart, but internalizing my true feelings caused us to drift apart and she eventually wound up having an affair. I have made my peace with the past. She is now, without question, my best friend. She is also one of only 3 people who know I'm trans. I haven't told my daughter yet, and in fact as I'm writing this, I just realized that I am doing the same thing I did years ago with her mom. I guess the unknown will always be our species' worst enemy. In my daughter's case, I fear more for how she could be outcasted than I do her accepting me. Not so much her friends but some of their parents. Sorry to be such a downer. I suppose I just really relate to your story. I hope all goes well for you from here on. Always keep you head held high.

Hugs
Kayla Marie

Sent from my SM-N910P using Tapatalk

[jennyfk]

@ashleyT five months from meeting a therapist to Hormones sounds positively an age when you've been delaying as long as I have and feel every passing second i'm not changing to become more feminine another nail in the coffin of my life as a woman but I made contact yesterday and am considering booking a first appointment at the end of this month. I'm also going to throw all my eggs in the basket and book an appointment and come out to my Doctor see where that leads. I'm also 33 not 35 I have no idea why I thought I was two years older: madness is totally taking over lately.

@Kayla sorry to hear you're suffering from the same feelings of trepidation and fear that I've been overcome with for the past ten years. It's funny how you can quieten down the dysphoric feelings by keeping yourself busy with whatever (work, drugs, alcohol in my case) but in the still moments when there are no distractions there is only the feeling of inadequacy with your gender and your life.

Coming out so strongly to my girlfriend this week was one of the best things I ever did and I keep tearing up when I think about that conversation. Not that it was rough or anything just that it was a complete bearing of my soul and that I was accepted so completely by her. I'm very lucky to have her and my son in my life and we will make this work for us no matter what. I wish you all the happiness and courage to get through and right now my resolve is so strong I know i'm going to make it with the right support.

My main worry now is my family, I have soooo many brothers and sisters, cousins, aunts, uncles blah blah blah and I can't even begin to imagine how difficult this is going to be for everyone. One thing I do know is that my mental health is a lot important than the perceptions of me that my loved ones have - as much I do love them.

[jennyfk]

Ok something of an update:

Things have been accelerating fast this week and I've moved to full on andro wardrobe choices and dressing comfortably feminine all the time around the house. My gf has been gobsmackingly supportive (I say gobsmacking but I know she's a liberal intelligent woman anyway just surprised a little by her 110%) and really pushing me to come out to some potentially understanding family members to stop me constantly tearing up all the time thinking about rejection.

I have booked an appointment with my local Doctor to get the first step on the way to my living full time as a woman ticked off and will see her next week.

What has really helped is here in the UK there are a series of Transgender awareness and insight programs on a free to view television channel and watching these with my GF she has really understood my feelings and complexes more and doesn't resent me at all for hiding and burying my feelings all these years.

Her main worry still is the sexual attraction between us and how we maintain, if we can, a healthy sexual relationship. She is already aware that in previous times I've lived/dressed as a girl I have had intimate relations with both sexes and she is also concerned that I won't feel fulfilled living in a Lesbian relationship and neither will she. Whatever happens we love each other deeply and our family comes first so whether we are a two mummy family living under one roof as a couple or not will remain TBC but we're still a happy family unit with a wonderfully energetic little boy.

Onwards and upwards I guess! This is a fantastic forum of support and really want to say thanks to all who post not just on my thread here but with all the wisdom and comfort across the forum. It is such a valuable resource.

X

Jennifer