Terrified of telling my parents

[windlep]

I'm 30-years old, but due to my disabilities (AS, anxiety, ADHD, etc), I still rely on my parents for some support, although I now live in my own house.  I came out as gay to them 10-years ago, which was the most horrible experience in my life.  They are very religious, so they quoted the bible at me, cried, etc.  It wasn't bad compared to some, but I think the fact they weren't really supportive of me either hurt a lot because I was having trouble accepting it in myself.  They didn't disown me, but they never really mention it, although I know they are still anti-gay marriage.

Being trans, however, is much worse because after my parents had my sister, they lost a baby boy before I was born, and were told they would never have any more children.  My father was reading his Bible one night and he felt God "spoke" to him through scripture, telling him they would have another child, I would be a BOY and they had to call me <insert biblical name meaning "gift from God"> (don't want to give away my real name).  My father believes this with all his heart, so if I come along and say "um, actually, I'm a girl now and my name is Sarah (or something)" I don't think he would take it very well.  I myself am an atheist and believe the doctors were simply wrong (my father later admitted they told my mother it would be "difficult" for them to have children, not "impossible").  I didn't come out unscathed, however, as I have aspergers, depression, anxiety, adhd and now trans on top of everything.

I am terrified for several reasons:

1) My parents will out right reject me and never accept me as female
2) Even if they do accept it, it could shake their religious beliefs to the core (he's believed I was a "miracle" for 30-years).  Even though I think they're silly, they're obviously very important to them and I'd rather they died happily believing they were going to heaven, etc.
3) My parents have bouts of stress/depression and I don't want to exacerbate it
4) Even if everything goes well I could still end up killing myself if I can't handle being abused on the street, etc (I also have social anxiety).

[Laura_7]

Here are a few resources that might help:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,195129.msg1740788.html#msg1740788

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,194946.msg1736596.html#msg1736596

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,194986.msg1737439.html#msg1737439


There are quite a few transgender people who are aspies... there seems to be a connection.
There is also a chat on susans by the way.

Some people come out in a letter...
And some people make a comparison with a twin... they will be like their male/female twin, with still the same sense of humour.

There are studies showing being transgender has to do with development before birth.
There are differences in brains of men and women, triggered by certain transmitter substances.
So a mismatch is possible.
So its nobodys fault... or the fault of an upbringing or whatever.
And transgender people have been around in all cultures.
It has nothing to do with religion.

There are birth conditions where other people are called to help.
It should be about love.

In another thread was a very good post saying it might be easier coming out if there is already a feeling that people can talk to each other, about what really moves them. If not it might be positive to try to work on this... like getting a feeling of understanding.

Here are another few points that might help:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,190603.msg1697992.html#msg1697992

Concerning the voice your father heard... well it was his own wish...
thats how it works... if you want something you will encounter something leading in that direction.

This was a thread about religion:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,197244.msg1755193.html#msg1755193


Concerning your restraints, I'd say don't overthink.

Its a step by step process. Just make the next step.
You might look for a good gender therapist to help you along.

*hugs*