The Most important Question to Ask Yourself

[Jacqueline]

Greetings all,

I have come to kind of a plateau. I worked for months researching and accepted myself. Came out to my wife and a few others as MTF.

I have been in therapy, starting electrolysis, prepping for HRT(low level) all in small steps. I feel like I have done little now and am getting complacent. I feel the urge to go faster(as well as the fear). My wife probably hopes I can stop soon but I don't know how far I need to go to feel comfortable. I have agreed to go slowly while my kids are finishing off high school. Senior, Sophmore and 8th grade. Considering my age, that feels like a long time. She also wants me to talk to her if I need to. So the door is open.

Sorry, it's taking awhile to get to the actual question.

When researching, I did a number of essay type questions and shared most with my therapist. Some talk of past, some of how you feel now and some of the future(not surprisingly, that is what I am most unclear with).

I was curious if there are questions that helped those of you that have transitioned, without regret? What questions did you ask yourself that maybe wasn't an alarm at the time but looking back was the tipping point, trigger, whatever you want to call it?

With gratitude,

Joanna

[Dena]

In the therapy I had, I pretty much stayed away from my early life because I couldn't find a history before age 13. I did continue to try and understand the early time period because i always felt my transsexual feelings appeared out to the blue and a very pressing question was "am I making a mistake. The transexual mind wasn't that well understood and we didn't know if it was temporary and regret would set in much latter. With what we know today, all of that is silly thinking but this knowledge was only learned by those of us who transitioned early.

Today we know transsexuals are born and the feelings continue through life and it turns out that was true for me as well. In my efforts to please my parents and conform to society, I acted like a male but my though process and behavior was female. I can see how someone unlike me who avoid the puberty discovery and has a much later discovery could do it.

I think the past is only important to understand if you have a strong doubt. Understanding that the feeling you have will always be with out without treatment is important. Without this knowledge you might not have the motivation to continue treatment and waste years fighting with feelings that could be treated early.

Post transition, understanding the past hasn't had an effect on me. Transsexualism is only on my mind when I want to think about it. I have gone for weeks to months without thoughts like that crossing my mind. I live like a CIS not questioning my gender identity and without any mental issues. I reached this point in my life a few months before surgery and it is something that should be taken into consideration before the decision for surgery is made. If you don't feel like a CIS before surgery, you may still have issues that need to be addressed. Now at that point, had I decided to return to the male role, I am sure my issues would have returned. I only felt comfortable because I could see myself as a woman and my body matched my mind. I knew there would be no turning back for me and surgery was really my only option to finish the transition process.

[stephaniec]

Well, I'm just going to explain what brought me to transition. It started at 4 years old never stopped too afraid and embarrassed tried desperately to ignore and repress , effected all my relationships to the point of not having any relationships for 40 years . I've lived in denial  for forty years and struggled internally since 4. The times were bad for learning about this condition. Psychologist treated it as a abnormality so the help really wasn't there. They felt it was better to man up than be real. So here I am at 63 transitioning when it should of been done at 18. I'm doing good though. The question to asked myself would be who am I really, what would make my life worth it. My only answer was transition, but I have nothing else so it's not a difficult decision. to live or to die. Transition gives me a life worth living.

[HoneyStrums]

How I think about the stagnant periods, is wow I havent had any progression in such a long time, I start feeling like I want things to speed up.


In the end the longer it takes things to happen The better I feel when the time comes. Im allways greatfull for the extra time to think things through.

Be slow and purposfull about it. The way I see it, If I speed things up, It will feel like rushing, AND if anything happens later that I regrett, I will feel as thought I was at fualt by rushing, or sombody ells was at fualt for letting me rush into somthing.

Im always asking myself, Is this enogh, do I need to go further, And somtimes I dont think I do, But then When I think about what not going any further means. I realise I do need to go further and its only knowing That I am going there that lets me feel comfatabe at the moment.

Because there is a difference between,
not having yet, and
not having ever.

[Rejennyrated]

Thats an interesting question, and I suspect one that may be worth considering, although I fear my own answer may not be what you need, it is however my truth.

I simply never had any doubt. I mean I started my transition at the age of five and despite the slightly limited nature of what I could do as a child in the 1960's, and the interruption, sustained during my late teens and early twenties, due to no puberty blockers being available, I dont think I was ever in any very serious doubt that I would one day complete the transition and have full surgery. It simply never entered my head that I could have done anthing else, or that life would have been possible any other way. Indeed many decades later it still doesn't really. So sadly I don't think my own experience will be of much help.

Its clearly difficult when you transition later in life, because you have more to potentially lose, and indeed more concept of what a life without transition might be than I have ever done. So I guess its kind of the old biblical question of "what profiteth it a man that he gain the whole world and lose his soul?" - or to put it another way - what good is it having a wonderful life, if no one ever gets to know the real you? I think thats about as close as I can come to something hopefully helpful.

[suzifrommd]

I asked myself how I would feel if I could never act male again (this was before I'd even put on my first female garment). I decided that it would be weird and would take a lot of getting used to, but I could live with it.

I asked myself how I would feel if I could never act female. My answer was that I'd feel like a piece of me was cut off.

That's how I knew I'm female at the core.

[cindianna_jones]

I tried to hang myself. My family was dogging me. At work, they were trying to make me commit suicide or quit. (Yes, the lawyer told me after I signed away all my rights for 3 months pay.) I'd cut my hair off. My job was over. My life was over. I called my therapist and she wanted me to check into the hospital where she had privileges. She called my parents to come pick me up and told my secretary to keep a watch on me until they did.

Mom and dad took me to another hospital where they were assured they could fix me. I was there ten days. Long story short, the psychiatrist in charge told me that my hair would grow back I could get a new job, and I could be who I wanted to be. The light finally came on and I knew what I would do.

I think that an unedited version of that experience is still here on my blog in five parts titled "Rise from the Fall." Those eventually became the first five chapters in my book. That experience in that week was a monumental event in my life. Wow, now I'm crying just thinking about it.

Okay, I found them.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,12745.msg93658.html#msg93658
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,12793.0.html
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,15824.msg121585.html#msg121585
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,15886.msg122188.html#msg122188
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,15958.msg122667.html#msg122667

Cindi

[CrysC]

I was/am in a similar situation to you Joanna.  I have a wife and two kids just getting out of high school.  For me it isn't just one question.  There are numerous questions including:

- Is there a distinction between "I want" and "I am?"  I learned along my path that "I want" was because "I am"  The question mattered to me.
- Can I stop "here"?  All along the going slow path I tried to go no further.  So yea, that didn't work even if I was going slow.
- Can I go back?  I suppose if it was life or death I could but I wouldn't be happy. 
- Can I live with what I am doing to my wife and kids?  My wife helped me handle this one.  It was the worst of all questions.  The answer for me was tied to, you only have one life and it's too short to not be happy.  While I need to take care of them I still need to live for me.  My happiness matters.

Remember that while your family is important, your happiness also matters. 

[Jacqueline]

Thank you all so much.

Your personal sharing means so much to me. I am often amazed at how generous this community is with it's own very private experiences.

These are great questions coming up. If anyone has more, please add on.

Has anyone else had a challenge with the question of how do you see yourself in 5, 10, 20 years? I had problems with that before I admitted this all to myself. However, I have always had problems picturing myself, period. I think I can see what I want to be doing and maybe where. I just can't picture myself...

With gratitude,

Joanna

[cindianna_jones]

I can answer the decade question. I'm 30 years into this, 28 plus post op. I am still very happy with who I am. I never have looked back (except for a very brief moment immediately following my surgery.) I've made a couple of bad decisions during these years but I have no regrets. I am well respected in my hometown and have a few close friends. Some know, some don't. I don't advertise. But if I think a good friend can handle it, I now (starting this year) tell them. I'm not worried that they will tell someone else. I've lived in total stealth for far too long and right now, I don't care. If someone wants to have a relationship with me, they will know completely from the beginning. The world needs some of us to reveal ourselves. I'm good with that.

Cindi

[JoanneB]

I was/am in a similar situation to you Joanna.  I have a wife and two kids just getting out of high school.  For me it isn't just one question.  There are numerous questions including:

- Is there a distinction between "I want" and "I am?"  I learned along my path that "I want" was because "I am"  The question mattered to me.
- Can I stop "here"?  All along the going slow path I tried to go no further.  So yea, that didn't work even if I was going slow.
- Can I go back?  I suppose if it was life or death I could but I wouldn't be happy. 
- Can I live with what I am doing to my wife and kids?  My wife helped me handle this one.  It was the worst of all questions.  The answer for me was tied to, you only have one life and it's too short to not be happy.  While I need to take care of them I still need to live for me.  My happiness matters.

Remember that while your family is important, your happiness also matters.

All of which distill down to my one all knowing question; "Which Pain is Worse?"

Over 6 years ago when faced with the excrement hitting the air handler and my life totally in the swirling vortex of the toilet, this came to me. I avoided actually handling being trans. It seemed simpler, safer, easier. Distractions, diversions, and denial helped, fueled by the nuclear fuel of Shame and Guilt.

Standing on the precipice of loosing everything, begging, praying for the pain to end, my still small voice asked "Which pain is worse.....?" Well, I tried things one way for decades and it wasn't working, hadn't worked, and I was begging for a quick death to stop the pain. Being the type to always have a Plan B if not C and D, I opted for taking on the beast

[Lilian]

I asked myself how I would feel if I could never act male again (this was before I'd even put on my first female garment). I decided that it would be weird and would take a lot of getting used to, but I could live with it.

I asked myself how I would feel if I could never act female. My answer was that I'd feel like a piece of me was cut off.

That's how I knew I'm female at the core.

Suzi, this is a real good question! I don't know how to describe that feeling in english, but is terrifying to imagine this life where I can't act female in any situation.

- Is there a distinction between "I want" and "I am?"  I learned along my path that "I want" was because "I am"  The question mattered to me.

Crys, thank you for this insight. I find hard to say "I am". Maybe is because I have a manly body (strong jaw, bald, hairy body and anything else) and feel kind of adapted with the male role, I mean, my feminine traits are hidden.