I wish I could find my way back

[Del]

Some problems with Christianity are that so many people have arisen who are not called and anointed of God to minister they have split the body of Christ and brought in heresy. The remnant that still seek and preach the truth are hated by them and shunned as badly as transgender people. Nothing will clear a room, church or pews faster than preaching the truth and crushing their fantasy Christianity.

True preachers called, ordained and anointed of the Holy Ghost are still around but their flocks seldom have over 12 -20 people in attendance. On a good day. That's because the truth still has the same reproach as when Jesus taught it.

Christians today forget there truly is one truth. As written, one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father. The word of God says the Lord never changes and Hebrews 13:8 says Jesus Christ the same yesterday, to day and forever. He never changes nor his word.

Christians today forget the same Lord who raised the dead, opened blind eyes and caused the deaf to hear and lame to walk made a whip and drove the moneychangers out of the temple. He called the Pharisee a nest of vipers and rebuked scribes and priests. So, if we do use the whole word of God we see that Jesus is not "love only" and "grace only" but a Lord who delights in a just weight and an equal balance. As written, he said I am never alone for I always do those things which please my Father. If God loves it Jesus loves it and if God hates it Jesus hates it.

Having said thus, too many look down their nose at others and point out sin and abomination others do while ignoring their own. A few straight cisgender Christians overlook are a lying tongue and being proud of heart. Both abominations.

As for whether or not transgender people exist, yes they do. Every Christian I know says so. Their disagreement is in doctrine concerning it. Most of whom have not taken the time to get to know transgender people or attempt to think as they do. As Galatians 6:1 says, considering thyself lest thou be tempted and as Paul wrote unto the Jew I became as a Jew. Until they can put themselves into the shoes of a transgender person and consider how they may feel they aren't qualified to say much, if anything. And before they even get that far they need to have enough faith and guts to go beyond doctrinal limitations of man, denominational limitations and the foolishness of the greedy mega church pastors and televangelists.

Maybe if Christians can go beyond what I listed and seek the baptism of the Holy Ghost and truly be led of the Spirit and come out of the mess called Christianity they can attempt to minister to transgender people. Maybe if they can wonder how they would feel to wake up with the body opposite their mind and feelings. Maybe if they could actually take the time to get to know transgender people instead of throwing out clobber passages. Maybe then they would have a desire to help them with their faith instead of being an uninformed, lack of feeling having super Christian wanna be.

Deborah, it doesn't matter that you are Catholic and don't care for traditional church. I am hated by most Christians and I am not in agreement with orthodox Christianity among all else I listed. I am an equal opportunity heretic in the eyes of most Christians. Gay and straight, cisgender and transgender alike, many hate me because I believe in using the whole word of God and making sure the things I teach and preach are scripturally sound and in accordance with sound doctrine. I guess to an extent it's surprising being cisgender and knowing that probably 50% of the people who do like me are gay and transgender.

Deborah, I am happy with your scriptural knowledge and your posts bless me as I have said before. Don't feel alone because I have very few churches I visit myself because of disagreements with doctrine or the attitudes of those who should know better. As far as I am concerned you are welcome at my meetings any time kiddo.

May all have a blessed day.

[Deborah]

One thing I like to do is read the books of the saints and martyrs.  I'm sure that some of the stories are exaggerated or even mythological.  But many are not.  Throughout the ages, some really stand out as true witnesses.  These are not the ones who achieved fame or fortune.  Most either had nothing or gave everything away to serve God.  Most died poor in material wealth and many in total disgrace to the world. 

One of the earliest fairly reliable stories is that of St. Perpetua.    It's one of my most memorable stories as her words were preserved.  She was executed in 202 AD in Carthage during the persecution under Severus. 

I compare her to all the American Christians who cry about how badly they are being persecuted and can only shake my head.

The Martyrdom of Saints Perpetua and Felicitas
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/religion/maps/primary/perpetua.html

[Del]

Actually, I agree fully. It's a shame when Christians cry about being persecuted. Overseas they are being crucified, burnt alive, beheaded, stoned, raped, maimed and tortured. Rather makes most look rather pathetic when they cry about it over nothing. But, I guess in mercy different people have a different rate of how something effects them. I reckon that water bill may be just as bad as being beaten for some. I can't say as I am trying to keep my focus on not complaining about things after seeing what people elsewhere go through.

I have also considered some of the horrors some of the transgender people have shared with me in private. Since I am not at liberty to share that I won't mention any but I can say that many have lived a nightmare. As many or most here already know. I can only hope that the Lord who see everything and witnessed what they went through will ease their mind and lift them up. Give them a better life in one fashion or another.

In Hebrews there is a list of things people suffered for the Lord. That alone makes me feel bad when I complain about my tribulations. People went through far worse than I. That's for sure.

Foxx's Book Of Martyrs is another one which shows what some endured for the Lord. While they went through hell it did magnify the ability of the Lord to strengthen people in their hour of need. I found it humbling.

I enjoy this thread as it does seem to cover quite a few areas.

May God bless.

[Sno]

Deborah,

I keep coming back to John 14:25-27 and 1 John 2:27

You are anointed, you are lead by the Spirit, you are following the teaching of the spirit. Your faith is strong, and growing.

My journey lead me to my current destination, through study of the practices, and beliefs in comparison to scripture. In much the same way that questioning my own gender lead me here.

Peace be with you.


Sno.

[Deborah]

When I think I am following the voice of the Holy Spirit there always is another voice in my mind saying, "are you sure."  The scriptures do certainly state that "the anointing which you received from him abides in you, and you have no need that any one should teach you; as his anointing teaches you about everything, and is true, and is no lie, just as it has taught you, abide in him." 1 John 2:27 (RSV2CE). But I look around and I see everyone making the claim that they are following the Holy Spirit and they are all believing different things. 

Can they all be really following the Holy Spirit? No, because, "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and for ever." Heb 13:8. But nevertheless it has been this way since the beginning, everyone fighting and killing each other over who really is hearing the Holy Spirit.

In the fourth century the priest Arius was following the Holy Spirit when he said that Jesus was the first creation of God.  The Catholic Bishops were following the Holy Spirit when they said no, Jesus is God incarnate.  Then followed several hundred years of the Arians and the Catholics banishing and killing each other to prove whose Holy Spirit message was right.

In the 11th Century the Catholics, following the Holy Spirit, said that the Holy Spirit comes from the Son.  The Orthodox, following that same Holy Spirit countered that no, the Holy Spirit comes from the Father.  Thus followed more bloodshed and a church schism that continues 1000 years later.

In the 16th Century in England, Queen Mary burned Protestants at the stake followed shortly by Queen Elizabeth burning Catholics at the stake, all at the prompting of the Holy Spirit.  And another schism that continues nearly 500 years later.

I am finishing a two volume set of the History of the Doctrine of the Holy Eucharist.  That is around 1600 pages to explain the various interpretations that Christians have all put forth, all supposedly at the teaching of the Holy Spirit? 

None of this is as it should be.  Jesus said, "Holy Father, keep them in your name, which you have given me, that they may be one, even as we are one." John 17:11. Nevertheless, it is the way things are.

So it seems quite evident to me that in most, if not all, cases the prompting of the Holy Spirit is simply a reflection of ones own intellect.

So, is what one believes comes from God ever real?  Has anyone ever really heard his voice?  I am prepared to believe that it's possible but that leads to my dilemma.  How can I be sure that it's God speaking and not just me intellectualizing my own desires?  How can I claim to be hearing the Holy Spirit when the claims of so many others are so obviously false?  There seems to be a great danger here of falling into spiritual pride, into thinking I am something I am not.  I know that I'm prone to that sort of thing anyway so I try to guard against it. 

So, how can one know?

[I know the Catholic answer which is to ignore whatever is in my mind and to just believe what they say.  For obvious reasons, that does nothing for me right now unless I want to just accept that I'm an abomination and a nuclear weapon waiting to explode and annihilate humanity, to paraphrase the Pope.]

[Denni]

Deborah, I keep following your postings on your thoughts on spirituality  and religion. You are obviously well read and well versed and they are very well thought out.  For me it is all based on the fact that I believe that my God is all loving, all compassionate and merciful. I am Catholic also, and I just wish that, in this, the year of Pope Francis's decree of "A Year of Mercy" that starting with him that everyone would actually learn the true meaning of what that means. I agree with you, there is so much misinformation being stated as doctrine that one begins to question their own faith because of what is being preached from the pulpit. I continue to attend church for the simple reason that I feel closer to my God when I am there and leave feeling better for being there. I am sure that I could also get that same feeling from attending a church of a different denomination because again it is simply because of what I believe in and feel, and not where I am and what is being said. Sometimes I think we have a tendency of overcomplicating things, rather than keeping them at their core, if that makes any sense to you. Hugs

[Deborah]

I would like again to take the Holy Eucharist.  However, the best I can make out from its vagaries, by Catholic definition I am in a state of mortal sin for using HRT.

So, believing them and taking it simply sends me to hell.

Or ignoring them removes any reason I have for being a Catholic.  By definition, taking communion is a state of coming into perfect union with God and with the Church. 

Either way, taking it right now leaves me with a bad feeling.

[Deborah]

 I'm not actually feeling like I am in a state of mortal sin.  I feel that I am at peace with God.  My feeling of peace though is why I asked, how do I know.

Even if this is a sin it a whole lot less of a sin than what it solved.  These things it enabled me to be rid of were worse.
- The daily desire to die in my sleep.
- Drinking every day simply to get drunk and not feel so bad.
- Constant short temper and perpetual anger with my wife.
- Porn addiction to an extremely distracting degree.

There is no way out within the confines the Church has defined. 

[becky.rw]

I'm not actually feeling like I am in a state of mortal sin. 

I don't actually think you are, or I am; but you have to formulate the position in language the Church has already managed to accept and digest.


I have a medical condition that causes horribly graphic, brutal, predatory sexual images to constantly run through my mind, regardless of what I want or do not want to think about.  There is no disciplining them, I can only misdirect them so I don't hurt people.

There is a cure for this medical condition.   Anti androgens.

Anti androgens in an xy body with gonads, leaves me susceptible to osteoporosis and severe depression.

There is a cure for that.   Estrogen.

Tada.  HRT.  No sin.

[Sno]

I did not take the Eucharist for many years. It felt wrong, because I felt I was not worthy.

That was, until a long conversation with a learned friend, about how we approach the table, and accept the gifts given. His thinking, turned mine upside down. The scripture talks about worthiness (1 Corinthians 11:27-29). Worthiness is a question of how we approach the table.

By our feeling of not being worthy, we are holding the Eucharist in the highest standing ( and rightly so). We are mentally saying, this is so important! I know I do not measure up! If I (correctly), acknowledge all of my flaws, sins and transgressions, I know I am lacking. I have judged myself, and know the truth of my position.

We are living 1 John 1:9.

We also need to  accept 1 John 2:2, or Ephesians 1:7, we need to trust in Gods mercy, in Christ sent for us, who died on the cross for our forgiveness. we sin, and seek forgiveness of them all through Christ. Because we do that we can be forgiven, and partake. Gods grace, makes us worthy.

Take succour in Galations 5:22-26. I trust that it will speak clearly.

Peace be with you.

Sno.

Ps. I do like the translation of the whole of Galatians 5 in the Berean literal version

[Wanda Jane]

I also grew up in the church at first. From 5-8 my mother was a Sunday school teacher in a Baptist church in Denver. I was in church every Sunday, Monday and Wednesday. Then when my father left when I was 8 my mother went off the rails and began abusing me. Long story short I wound up being raised by the state from 11-18 mostly and didn't go back to church for a long time, but believed in a God that didn't approve of me and would help me if I ever got good enough again. I drank and did a LOT of drugs from 13-53. I went back to church many times in the last 25 years or so and even worked for one as the video guy. I could never seem to tap into that power though. When I got sober last year in a 12 step program, I used the "God of my understanding" model and have found a wonderful and loving power that keeps me sober and guides my steps. This God loves me as I am and I have come out initially as gay and now as trans and he still loves me and keeps the obsession to drink away. 40 years of alcoholic drinking and being in the closet has not been relieved by anything short of a miracle. The only thing I did is surrender and stop fighting. I have stopped trying to understand it and just use it. I don't know if that helps, but is my experience. 

[SadieBlake]

Deborah, I distinguish between spirituality and religion. Religion to me is a social/cultural entity and very much the work of humans to try and realize their spirituality. Unfortunately the church - not only the Christian church(es) - in my mind has come down from a history of controlling people and often existing for its own good, not the good of its people.

For my part, having grown up in a family that was Christian with a background in Quakerism, I have found more support for my spirit in Buddhist and Taoist thinking. (I briefly had a go at attending a Quaker meeting and was soon disappointed to learn that the reason that particular meeting was acting so weird was that two members had been engaging in an extramarital affair.)

So where am I going with this? I would have a hard time trying to be spiritual if I were attending a church that was forever denying my sexuality and gender expression. I do my best to forgive the various Christian sects that take on political agendas and threaten my rights and the rights of others. I recognize that these are people interpreting the words of Christ and for the most part I haven't much issue with either those people (I mostly ignore what I consider misguided) and with the scriptures themselves (also written down by humans, and there's enough weird stuff encoded into the Bible for me to know that the various human translators have had their own influences.

All that said, you mentioned revealed religion and transcendence. My one solid point of departure with Judeo-Christian and the words of Islam are that they all AFAIK share this one true God idea and go on to say that those who never receive the word of God are denied heaven.

That always left me wondering, what about people before Christ? About people who live in places that haven't been touched by Christianity, Islam, Hebrew faith? What about people who are clearly good and moral and caring who don't happen to be Christian? What about non-human animals who to me clearly are as moral and caring as any human I know?

So my own belief is that the spark of life, spirit or soul if you prefer is everywhere. Buddhist thought certainly lends to this as do many pagan religions which see the world as populated by a multiplicity of deities. The traditions of those older religions, btw have become very much a part of revealed Christianity and give Christian practice local flavor that has deep roots indeed in the thousands of years of civilization that preceded not only Christ, Hebrew faith and Islam, but also Buddha etc.

I have absolutely no truck with the flap coming from our Christian-centric right wing or the organizations that continue to try to roll back the social progress of the last few decades. I have a cousin who discovered a different Christian faith in his 20s (ca 1977) and joined the Episcopal Church, then elected to move to the Catholic Church as the Episcopal and Anglican churches began to shift on gay marriage and other social issues. I personally see him as misguided and while he is accepting of gays as individuals, he cleaves closely to Catholic views on their 'sinning' and I'm saddened that he supports an organization that would sooner see me damned than admit my humanity.

I don't have any answer for you if you can only hear god through a Christian church - the Episcopals and Unitarians seem like ok branches to me. I do recognize that these places afford a community that can be important to spirituality. I'm fortunate to have a lot of spiritual and deeply thinking people around me and so I do have community to the extent that my aspergian brain is able to relate.

I also learned a long time ago and try to practice that my rational brain has very distinct limitations. It makes me a good engineer and scientist, however allowing myself to be a bit more meditative, to feel and breathe in the world around me in every moment makes me a more creative engineer. I think If I were Christian I would say this is god speaking to me. I find it's easier for me to say that living in the moment allows me to be a better, more moral person.

[Deborah]

Take succour in Galations 5:22-26. I trust that it will speak clearly.

Thank you for those thoughts.  I did look up all your scriptures to refresh my mind and found the one quoted above particularly useful.  In that light it is all very simple.

[Deborah]

All that said, you mentioned revealed religion and transcendence. My one solid point of departure with Judeo-Christian and the words of Islam are that they all AFAIK share this one true God idea and go on to say that those who never receive the word of God are denied heaven.   . . .

So my own belief is that the spark of life, spirit or soul if you prefer is everywhere.

This touches the heart of where I am right now and where I think I'm headed.

Back when I was a Mormon I believed as they believe.  Then when I was a fundamentalist I again believed as they believe.  The same when I was an Anglo-Catholic.  The reason I kept moving around is because my mind is intensely curious and drives me to learn as much as I can about things I become interested in.  So, while it's easy to believe anything at first without close examination, a little thought and study soon reveals where all the gaping holes are.  In my mind if God is truth and a theology is full of holes, then that theology is not of God.

So, about ten years ago my thinking began to evolve and I began to adopt some Gnostic ideas.  I would not call myself a Gnostic since that name today has some added on connotations that aren't really related to what Christian Gnosticism was in the early Church.  And even that early Gnosticism remains largely unknown as most of their writing was destroyed and their teaching suppressed.

If there is a God who is the primal Spirit and who is the source of all light then I think it is correct to say that there is only one true God.  However, the Gnostics would say that he is ineffable.  Man likes to over define things though and the result is doctrines that limit God to specific locations on earth at specific points in history.  I do not accept that.

I do however accept Jesus as the Logos of God, one who is a direct emanation of the ineffable God.  What does that mean?  I think it's something we do not fully understand so call this the Trinity, or come up with another way of describing it. I don't think our doctrinal definitions are particularly important.

As the Logos of God, Jesus reveals the ineffable one and teaches us how to align ourselves with him.  The Gnostics would call that uniting the light of our Spirits with the eternal light which is God.

Nothing in my reading of the Gospel of John or John's letters contradicts that interpretation.  I can align it with the rest of the scriptures too, if they are not taken all as literal history.

I know this makes me a heretic to contemporary Christianity.  That doesn't really concern me though.  The main thing is that we reflect the all encompassing love of God as Jesus taught.  That isn't by following a list of rules, but it isn't license for unconstrained conduct either.  Any act must be evaluated by the standard of God's light reflected in our Spirit.  The Christian word for this I think is being filled with the Holy Spirit.  God's light can best be described as perfect, unselfish, and infinite love.  So, it seems to me that if one has this light inside them they would just automatically know some things are wrong.  Adultery for instance, or murder, or hatred, or enmity.  Does it harm someone and is it selfish rather than giving.

Actually, nothing I said there is in any way contrary even to Paul's epistles.  However, the Church from an early time, while saying they believed this, felt they needed to add a bunch of written rules on top of it.  The Reformers added even more rules.  Even Paul did this.  Jesus however did not.

To me this makes all makes sense because it doesn't lock God's revelation into a specific period of history or geographic area.  Taking everything literally does that and makes it all look very stupid to outsiders.  Those are not even my words but the words of St. Augustine 1600 years ago in his book, "The City of God."

As for those whose circumstances are such that they do not know Christianity, I think it is a perversion of God to categorically state that they are all damned.  It totally negates the idea of a primal and universal God and reduces him back to the status of the tribal War God of Israel.  It's not even necessary to believe this to remain within the bounds of Christianity. As Paul stated,

Rom 2:14-16, "When Gentiles who have not the law do by nature what the law requires, they are a law to themselves, even though they do not have the law. They show that what the law requires is written on their hearts, while their conscience also bears witness and their conflicting thoughts accuse or perhaps excuse them on that day when, according to my gospel, God judges the secrets of men by Christ Jesus." (RSV2CE)

As for all these others we are not called to judge anyway.  Rather we are called to love our neighbor as we love ourselves. Matt 19:19.  Much of modern Christianity seems to have lost touch with what Jesus taught, preferring the model of their own tribal War God instead.

Anyway, this is where my thinking has evolved to right now.  From whatever I can deduce from what I believe God has revealed to me I think I am on the right track.

[SadieBlake]

I agree, you're on the right track - not that my agreement especially bears :-).

[Deborah]

My reading today included this.  As Lynyrd Skynyrd said a few years ago, "Now Watergate does not bother me, Does your conscience bother you, Tell the truth."

1 John 3:19-24. By this we shall know that we are of the truth, and reassure our hearts before him whenever our hearts condemn us; for God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything. Beloved, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God; and we receive from him whatever we ask, because we keep his commandments and do what pleases him. And this is his commandment, that we should believe in the name of his Son Jesus Christ and love one another, just as he has commanded us. All who keep his commandments abide in him, and he in them. And by this we know that he abides in us, by the Spirit which he has given us.  (RSV2CE)

And in response to all those who run to and fro claiming that they are showing love by telling us their truth while insulting us and denying us basic human dignity I say,

1 John 3:18. Little children, let us not love in word or speech but in deed and in truth. (RSV2CE)

Claiming the word Love means absolutely nothing unless some actions come out of it.

[Sno]

Hi Deborah,

Totally agree, love is ACTION. It's doing something to express it, and not a cringeworthy word to be shied away from.

Blessings.

Sno

[Lily Rose]

My reading today included this.  As Lynyrd Skynyrd said a few years ago, "Now Watergate does not bother me, Does your conscience bother you, Tell the truth."

  i had not planned to reply to your thread consider i have read only very little of the bible, and you seem to be much more versed. saw you like lynyrd skynyrd? and had to say ROCK ON c(=

  as far as religion i really pray you have found your answers. as for (original post) what other people say what God cares about or does not this all there interpretation of the bible. Jesus Christ loves us all no matter what religion or church. the only prerequisite i was taught by a very christian man we must except his love and forgiveness.

[SarahM777]

I know this a little late, but I think it's time to for me to deal with this and with the fact that Del did mention some of the things that some of us have gone through, Del is one that knows part of my story and it would have been OK for him to mention it.


I went through a period of time where I felt that God had abandoned me and I really thought it was something I deserved. (I was really messed up at the time)


I was raised Lutheran and went to a Lutheran school. I was that kid that was seen as that little girly boy in the corner and had no friends and the teachers also did the same thing. (I was one of those kid that it was there from the beginning) Never had any friends in high school either. One of the factors that would put me into a compromised position was the fact that every month I would go through about 4-5 days of severe depression. In 1977 I tried a serious attempt at suicide. I downed quite few darvacets got in my car and drove about 180 from the western suburbs of Chicago to the Iowa state border. I have no rational explation as to why I was not picked for impaired driving, why I didn't end up in a ditch or head long into a tree or another car and wound up dead. I have no idea how I got there,once the  drugs kicked in I have no memory of any of the drive till I came too at the border.

(So I finally got some help and they put me on anti depressants that in some ways compromised me in some ways mentally and emotionally) 2 people in the next 3 years would so badly affect me in the fact that I believed I was being punished or purged by trails of fire.


One was a woman who I got involved with and I heard those words that I hadn't heard it seemed like for a very time. (I heard those 3 little words "I love you" that Iwas so desperate to hear from some one) I sucked it like a little puppy that had just been patted on it's head and because I was loved staved I just in with both feet. We were going to get married and we moved in together.


At the same time I was working with a guy who happened to be my boss. At first it seemed like 2 friends just going and hanging out together. Turned out he was a gay predator. The first night he sexually assaulted me in his car. He locks the doors and because of the type of dorrs locks you could not opened the door if the power locks were used on the drivers side. After he got done he drove into the middle of a railroad track, while a train was coming and lauched at me with a meniacal laugh and threatened to kill me and also blow up my parents house if I ever told anyone. (I had no clue at that time how I was going to get out of it. I was terrfified of this guy. I was 5' 11" and 125 lbs dripping wet and fully clothed and he was 6" 3" and 250 lbs and just could have very easliy killed me)


She asked to borrow my car and go down to vist some people in Florida. Anyways she said she was going being gone for about a week or so. (She was gone for about 3 weeks and it was about the time I was going to file a report about a stolen car as she didn't called at all time) The night she came both him and her were there together. She came back claiming to have found the Lord and she was going to move out. Sometime that night he told her that if she hadn't come back with the car I was going to file a police repot. (She flipped out and stared verbally abusing me and satrted smacking me around. Being one that was raised that one does not hit a woman I just took it.) At the same time he started doing it too with the verbal abuse and they got in about the meds and how it was making loopy. (That was true they were doing that but the depression was under control) During 4 hours of this he took a knife and sliced my wrist because they both were holding me down. She finally took her stuff and left. He told me he was moving in and he reminded me of his threats.


For the next 3 years he would vebally,mentally and sexually abuse me. (That is the one time in my life I don't remember much of it other then some bits and pieces. (I still have the scars on my wrists) After 3 years he threw me out and I was releaed from it. And because of it I ended with a fear of being lik him because that one of the lies that is promoted that gay people are predators. I had a fear of those who were LGBT and I didn't want to admit that I too was one also even though I am so obivious that I am trans.


It took a long time to fix my thinking and to begin to see that even in the midst of this I could see God's hand in getting me through it even though I ended up going through it. It was never God's doing what they did to me. But it took a long time to recover from it.

[SarahM777]

Saying that does not mean that what I went through was the worst the any one of us has gone through. There are many that have gone through a whole lot worse. (I am thankful that it didn't end up far worse than what it was)

How this ties into the OP, over the years I can look back and see that 90-95 percent of the mistreatment I did recieve from others were those who claimed to be Christians. At times it made me feel like I just wanted to die, if they didn't love me how could could God. Others times I just wanted to walk away. And no matter how much at times I wanted to chuck the whole thing into the waste basket,something inside just couldn't do it. Even in the times it felt like He was a million miles away and I was just this tiny insect that could just be squashed like a bug.


What happened at times is that scripture passages would be brought to mind and they were the exact passages I needed to hear just at that time,He would speak to me through a song, it would be through someone speaking a kind word or a gentle touch. It was in those times that I knew the source of where it was coming from and I knew then that God was speaking to through others that demonstrated the kind of love He has for us.  It wasn't in a loud voice coming from heaven it wasn't in big flashing lights but it was in the small simple little acts of kindness and love.