I guess I just need to vent a little right now. I'm getting the feeling that transitioning is something of an inevitability in my life, it's just a matter of when, even though other parts of me are questioning my own sanity about this. I really want to have a family but any way I go the odds seem against me. Either way I can't and wont go back to suppressing my feminine side, that was unhealthy, and she's already broken through once anyway.
If I decide to stay male, then I'd have to find a woman who is ok with me crossdressing frequently, plus any other coping strategies I need. Plus she would have to be ok with the concept that it may fail and I'd transition anyway at some point. I'm pretty sure that the number of women who are comfortable with that is small. Furthermore there's the risk that she'd think she would be ok with it, but then finds out she can't handle it.
If I transition and end up a lesbian/bisexual (I've only ever been attracted to women) then assuming I find a female partner (I intend to freeze sperm before beginning) we could have a family as a lesbian couple. This seems like the most promising avenue. However I just turned 33, I worry that I might not be able to find someone and pair up before we were too old for children. There's also the issue of having a male role model around, and I know this is a weird thing to think about but what if I can't find a male role model who's as good a man as I am right now? (If that makes any sense)
If I transition and end up heterosexual then there's the issue of who's sperm gets used. If he doesn't have a sister then there might be issues as to whose genetic material gets used. It seems like having multiple children with different genetic fathers would bring up issues of favoritism.
It seems like any choice I make I'm severely limiting my number of potential partners and I run the real risk of ending up alone. While transitioning and hoping to be a lesbian/bisexual seems like the least bad route, I still don't see a good answer. I'm not married, I don't have children, I have a good career and I'll be moving to a new city for work in a few months, so this does seem like the best possible time for a transition. I guess it also seems strange to me that there are good logical arguments for pursuing a "sex change."
I guess I just needed to get that off my chest, hopefully everyone out there can listen or reassure me, or tell me why I'm ignoring all sorts of good answers I haven't thought of.
