Hi everyone. I'm shy, can't believe I'm here.

[Jessynecessity]

Hey everyone. I'm Jessica.

I usually don't interact online, and I am very secretive about being TG, so I might be shy a bit. I guess I will try to explain my situation and why I am here.

I've been in transition 13 years fulltime, and while I blend naturally in public, I bear the weight of being TG alone. I can't admit it to my friends. Once they find out "what" I am, they might get offended I hid it from them, or might get grossed out. I don't know. Basically I need friends who can give me advice, comfort me, or help me feel like I'm not alone. I feel pretty damned lonely. The weight of being TG is quite heavy to bear after a while.

I am still pre-op after all these years, and that messes with my head a lot. I did have a bilateral orchiectomy in 2005, which eliminates male horomones forever, but that only fixed half the problem down there. I didn't transition to be a ->-bleeped-<-. I transitioned to be a woman. Now here I am at age 33. Spent half my life as a male. Half as a ->-bleeped-<- that everyone thinks is a normal chick. Not that it's wrong or bad to be that way, but I can't stand it. I'm freaking ready to BE a woman already. Passing is great. It feels nice. It also feels like lying a lot of the time too. Also feels like shame. And fear. And self disgust.

I am making strides towards SRS through insurance but that has not been easy. Insurance is expensive, yo. I haven't been on horomones in years. Can't afford doctors, so I'm about to buy them online and shoot em up. It's BAD BAD BAD that I don't have horomones. Since I had my orchi, my body has had NO horomones in it for a few years now. That's bad. Very bad. So so unhealthy, but if I can't get them the right way, I'll get them any way I can. I order them a week from today. I am an EMT so I know the medical precautions to take. The lack of horomones and surgery had wreaked havoc on my sanity. The horomones for chemical imbalance reasons. The hope for surgery is all that keeps me from eating a shotgun for breakfast. Its the light at the end of the tunnel and I need it like oxygen.

I can't wear what I want. I have to be careful when guys flirt with me (and ultimately reject them), I can't go swimming. I CAN'T GO SWIMMING! That KILLS me. Sure I look good in a swimsuit, but what's the damn point if the water makes my "tumor" noticeable?! I love the water and I haven't been swimming for over a decade! I've never even gotten laid. Not once. I'm 33 and never had fun sex. I've had sex with guys, sure, but it feels like GAY sex, not ... Well ... Not what I want. I always end up regretting allowing them to do what they did. Anal sex simply isn't fun. I want ... well ... Ugh. I'm going to shut up.

Long and short of it, I have been really struggling emotionally recently, and I don't have a soul to talk to. It's like I stepped out of one closet, and into another. It is very lonely, and I need someone who understands and can relate.

Maybe I am an idiot for coming here. I haven't had much luck with the internet or social media.

Regardless. Thanks for listening!
-Jess

[Laura_7]

Hello and welcome 

You might try to bring more stability into it.
Just try to remain calm and keep an eye on your goals.
There are many ways to reach them.

You might look for counseling at plannedparenthood or a lgbt center.
There might be hrt programs for people with low income.

And there might be support groups there.

Here is a vid concerning bathing suits:


There is also a chat on susans if you'd like to communicate.

If you feel like it please reach out...
there are helplines, and they also have a chat:
http://glbthotline.org/hotline.html
http://www.thetrevorproject.org/
http://translifeline.org

And I'd say simply keep writing...
writing often helps getting a clearer view, and there are others who might help...


hugs

[Jessynecessity]

Thanks for the advice hun! I've Google searched my fingers off. Good to hear encouragement from someone with a pulse. Thanks for the bathing suit advice too! I will never be confident enough to get in the water until postop however. Not unless I'm alone where nobody could ever see me. I'm just really freaked out about it. Besides winter is coming.  Don't need bathing suits again until next year, lol

[Laura_7]

Thanks for the advice hun! I've Google searched my fingers off. Good to hear encouragement from someone with a pulse. Thanks for the bathing suit advice too! I will never be confident enough to get in the water until postop however. Not unless I'm alone where nobody could ever see me. I'm just really freaked out about it. Besides winter is coming.  Don't need bathing suits again until next year, lol

Well there are also indoor bathing possibilities.
One possibility might be using kind of boxer trunks together with a bikini bra.
Its a fashion amongst women, especially sporty ones 
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,190932.msg1727832.html#msg1727832

[Laura_7]

Passing is great. It feels nice. It also feels like lying a lot of the time too. Also feels like shame. And fear. And self disgust.

Don't ever feel that way. If you identify as a woman you are one.
And you don't have to feel female all the time.
Many people are versatile and have traits more ascribed to the other gender.

There are brochures by reputable sources, for example the british NHS, showing being trans has biological connections.
There are differences in brains of women and men. They are fixed before brth, through various transmitter substances.
Body and brain develop through different times so a mismatch is possible.
http://www.gires.org.uk/assets/DOH-Assets/pdf/doh-transgender-experiences.pdf
Its explained with pictures. It says explicitly for trans people, their families and health care staff.
If its biological its nobodys fault... not an upbringing or whatever.

And transgender people were always around in all cultures.
Its nothing unheard of.

[Jessynecessity]

I know hun. You're right. I pass very well. Great even. I look and sound 100% female, but some people can still tell. I've had a few people call me out on it, which trashes my self esteem btw. Then it makes me feel like maybe I dont pass well at all. I don't see anything but a woman in the mirror, but some people obviously see more than I do. Maybe it's because I am flat chested. A cups. Barely. I don't know, I'm rambling.

I am very conflicted inside. I know I'm a woman, not gender fluid or whatever. I have only one identity. Me. Jessica. Because I'm incomplete, it's just. Grrrrrr. I want to scream, y'know? I have no pride in being trans. I'm proud not to have shot myself. Proud to overcome the challenges. Not proud to be trans. Just proud it didn't kill me. It very well could have. Been to that dark place a lot.

[V M]

Hi Jessica 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Here's a few quick links to help you along

Please be sure to review

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

Hugs

V M

[Laura_7]

Hormones might have an influence on passing too.
In your case it should not be much, since you had an orchi.

As said, you might try wih various organizations in your place, its possible there are programs.
You might also aks for transgender friendly endos or doctors in your place.
Its possible they use a sliding scale.

Another possibility might be to try linseed, they contain phytoestrogen.
All at your own risk... use moderate to normal doses, since you need only a small amount.
You might talk this through with a doc and look up side effects.

[Jessynecessity]

Hormones might have an influence on passing too.
In your case it should not be much, since you had an orchi.

As said, you might try wih various organizations in your place, its possible there are programs.
You might also aks for transgender friendly endos or doctors in your place.
Its possible they use a sliding scale.

Another possibility might be to try linseed, they contain phytoestrogen.
All at your own risk... use moderate to normal doses, since you need only a small amount.
You might talk this through with a doc and look up side effects.

I appreciate all your advice. You've been a super sweetheart since I got here. You never had to help, but you did anyway. Thank you.

You're probably correct about the horomones. I've lost a lot of body fat in important places, including my face. I also have a debilitating skin disease that makes me lose sleep a lot, and I wake up looking worn and haggard. Also messes with my self esteem.

As for docs, they're out of the question. I live hand to mouth. I struggle to eat many times. I depend on nobody for money or bills. It's all on me.

However, that dynamic will be changing soon. When I came out and started living full-time, my parents disowned me. That was 13 years ago. As of about 2 months ago, my mom and I reconnected. She said that her and my father now see me as their daughter. I was homeless because of them. They are buried in guilt and want me to stay with them so I can get a nursing degree. Once in college, and once I have their support for bills, many of the NECESSARY medical needs I have can be addressed.

*sigh*

I'm probably just tired. Life has been a real pisser. I was doing so so well, and it's all fallen apart. Now I live in a mobile home. I haven't had power or water in 8 months. Previous occupants infested my house with bedbugs and ruined all my furniture. I sleep on an air mattress on my kitchen table so the bedbugs can't get me. My skin disease keeps me awake. I got a second job to get health insurance, but my truck broke down and I lost my 50 hour per week job. Now I walk to my part time job, and struggle to eat.

If it weren't for my parents, I'd probably be thinking very bad thoughts. Depression is a b****. Been thinking life is effing dumb and pointless. That kinda thing. I need an escape rope, and if my parents hadn't tossed me one, we might not be talking now.

So again. Thank you. THANK YOU ! Having you here giving me support means a lot. Seriously.

[Laura_7]

Concerning the bugs you might look up biological remedies, there might be some... like lids of glasses filled with oil. It might be special oil attracts them better.

Keep a mental image of a good outcome in your head.
Things often change that way, and you make good experiences and meet helpful people.


*hugs*

[Jessynecessity]

Concerning the bugs you might look up biological remedies, there might be some... like lids of glasses filled with oil. It might be special oil attracts them better.

Keep a mental image of a good outcome in your head.
Things often change that way, and you make good experiences and meet helpful people.


*hugs*

Maybe worth trying! I move in with my parents in the  beginning of next month. I plan on starting a thread discussion on it separately, because the issue is so complicated. Regardless, my tenure in this place is drawing to a close. I'm abandoning this life I've built, and starting fresh elsewhere. It's my only hope.

[Laura_7]

Maybe worth trying! I move in with my parents in the  beginning of next month. I plan on starting a thread discussion on it separately, because the issue is so complicated. Regardless, my tenure in this place is drawing to a close. I'm abandoning this life I've built, and starting fresh elsewhere. It's my only hope.

Its a good new start 

You might try salt water (if possible sea salt) if its allergies or eczema with your skin.
Some people reported it gets better after bathing or soaking and afterwards not rinsing off.
(At your own risk... and wait if open wounds)
If you look at indigenous people they have the smoothest skin...
they bathe in the sea too without rinsing it off.

It helped me and someone from another thread said it helped, too.

[Jessynecessity]

Its a good new start 

You might try salt water (if possible sea salt) if its allergies or eczema with your skin.
Some people reported it gets better after bathing or soaking and afterwards not rinsing off.
(At your own risk... and wait if open wounds)
If you look at indigenous people they have the smoothest skin...
they bathe in the sea too without rinsing it off.

It helped me and someone from another thread said it helped, too.

I can try, once I live in a house where I can bathe. Right now, I shower at friends houses or use babywipes if I can't .

Once I move in with my parents, I'll definitely try it. Never heard of that.

Also, I did a huge post under the "transsexual" thread about moving in with my parents. I'd like your insight there, if you have the time. (its a log post)

[Laura_7]

I can try, once I live in a house where I can bathe. Right now, I shower at friends houses or use babywipes if I can't .

Once I move in with my parents, I'll definitely try it. Never heard of that.

Also, I did a huge post under the "transsexual" thread about moving in with my parents. I'd like your insight there, if you have the time. (its a log post)

You might try to soak with a cloth...

there is an answer in the other thread 

[Kibi]

Here is a vid concerning bathing suits...

That method works great!  I used this method to help wear a 'swim dress' this summer at Disneyland so I could swim with my child and wife.  Instead of a sock,  I just used a section from the leg of the already ruined tights.  It was a little warm and slightly chaffing in the 'T string' area, but it really really held UP and IN!