Okay, so i've been trying to figure this all out, but its starting to drive me a little crazy! I havent brought it up sooner, as my socio-economic situation is a little...uncommon (i think).
So let me begin:
I began by coming out to my wife. It's been a gradual process, as i've come out to her as i've realized things, and I think becasue of that, things have been working out. At first i thought it started out as cross dressing fetishized, but over time, i've realised its much more than that, and that it may actually be dysphoria. At first the cross dressing was weird for her but over time she grew to accept it (partially because, its actually the only way i can get aroused! I have little to no interest in sex unless i'm...en femme, and even then I have to get in the mood, but the only way to get in the mood is...to be en femme).
However lately i want to spend more and more time en femme, and certain dysphorias have been increasing...such as at th emoment I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to be rid of body & facial hair and get my ears pierced...but i'm also curious about HRT.
ANyhow getting back on topic, my discussion with my wife basically revolved around coming out. She thinks shes okay with things as long as I dont get GRS, which i'm pretty sure I dont want, i'm quite happy to keep my penis, as long as with everything else I can present as a female...however her concern is other people knowing. Fitting into society and in particular family is very important to her. Even though she knows certain family members such as her parents will be okay with it, she doesnt want to put that stress on them, which means aside from coming out, when I do want to step out en femme its very restrictive. Now obviously I'm not the kind of person to ignore those feelings, and I wholly respect them and want to work around them, but i'm having trouble dealing with my own feelings. It's hard to speak to her about it, in part becuase its hard for her to understand whats going on in my head, and the idea of thinking about coming out freaks her out unless handled carefully.
As such i move on to my second issue:
I recently came out to my parents...who reacted well for the most part. Their initial reaction was - we love you no matter what but we need some time to absorb this, and what do you want to do. At the moment i'm primarily interested in seeing a psychiatrist, to help me deal with the emotional tornado that's within me. However being based in a third world south east asian country, my best bet is to have a psychiatrist in Singapore.
The issue here is twofold:
1. I'm in the process of shutting down a failed startup which my dad is helping me with, after which I will be working in the family business. My dad wants me soley focused on this at the moment, as there are some time sensitive issues that I need to address ASAP to prevent additional hemmoraging of money, which i'm addressing. However the hair dysphoria, plus the fact that I came out ot them and crazy schedules has meant we've not been able to speak again which is DRIVING ME INSNE!
2. They have just left for India, as my grandfather recently passed away so they can spread the ashes. Now (this is where things get complicated). Our family is not particularly religious, but we do believe in a greater "something", and we follow a spiritual path along those lines. Now my parents are going to speak with our spiritual master/guru/leader about my coming out. Now due to my not being able to speak to my parents due to our hectic schedules prior to their trip, i'm wondering quite frantically what his response will be. Typically he has not had any problems with LGBT people at all, and they're (at least to my knowledge) accepted by the organization all over the world, and the issues that arise have more to do with the society around a particular center, or those running the centers rather than the organization but i digress.
After I came out my mom, mentioned to me that she's done some research into Gender Dysphoria, but she made a comment a day or two after coming out which is what has me extremely anxious. She mentioned that, "yes its something that we have to deal with, but then said what if he says that you have to stop, are you ready to do that? and that how is my wife okay with it, a woman needs a man in their life."
While that comment did hurt a lot, I put it down due to pure ignorance of how gender dysphoria works - its not a choice -. However I think at the time my mom had not begun to research what it is, and so i'm giving her the benefit of the doubt. But the word still sit in my mind. How much research has she done? Does she know enough to properly explain my situation? What if he asks what do i want to do about it? I havent told my parents the full extent of whats going on in my head as coming out was wrenching enough.
Anyway... I just needed to get that out ( I actually feel a lot better now!), and if anyone has any advice please do share!
