I was about to post something terrifyingly similar to this, Though I really don't feel its all that connected to my recent transision as these feelings have been there all along, yes some of it is connected but its almost like a independent problem at this point. and my job dose not help it, instead every time there is a problem it threatens to make me loose control, mentally, emotionally just fall appart, I might hit something or myself and minutes later feel awful about it and start a depressive spiral of self hatred that I have been working unsuccessfully to break. Instead I am stuck thinking about my mistakes, which brings up past ones, and by the end of it, one little moment of intense depression or anger ends with me spending days so broken even playing video games seems like too much work.
the depression, self hatred, anixenty, and panic seem to feed eachother, little things trigger extreme reactions which in turn lead to long term reactions and further depression, anxiety and self hatred. At this point I am actually afraid that I might one day be happy, the very idea of not being depressed, to not hate myself so intently it scares me, I don't even know who I would be without it, so much of my personality and methods of dealing with the world is tied up in these feelings the idea of being without them, its like asking someone to imagine there life if they grew up in a severely diffrent culture or hell as a diffrent gender. I can barely comprehend what life would be like if I didn't over react, freak out, regret it, hate myself, and spend a week wishing I was dead, every few days.
I have tried to take steps to fix this, I do mirror work each night, a few minutes where I try and talk positive to myself and tell myself I love you, I try and meditate occasionally though it rarely happens. I try and stop myself when i start freaking out and tell myself to relax, but the sheer effort of constantly patroling my thoughts and stopping myself from being self hating and negitive is exhausting and it feels like once the dam breaks and it starts it washes away all the work I have done, I feel like my job and the lack of free time it affords me is the most toxic of all things to my possible happiness, but I cant afford to quit it, though after the short meltdown that led to the last few days of deep self hatred and depression that happend sunday I may get fired.
So ya I know how your feeling, its like my stomach is in knots I am so depressed and tired, and sometimes I come up for air and things are a bit better then it all falls appart, and I feel terrible if I don't talk about it but I also feel awful when I do because I feel I am hurting friends doing it, and when they dont know what to say in responce to my problems and so say nothing, I feel like I clearly went too far and now they hate me and never want to talk to me again, so I don't contact them for weeks sometimes, I even shut down my face book account after a few such events.
Sorry I talked so much about my problems but ya I think I get how your feeling, and I have no advice, no cure, if I did I would love to share it, instead I just keep dragging myself along, regretting the lack of courage that has kept me from killing myself and often times hating that very rare glimmer of hope that makes me keep going.
Serena
