Getting really sick of being deliberately misgendered and dead named.

[MyNameIsElla]

So i'm at my wits end with this and I don't know how to get people to respect my wishes. Everyone I know that know's I am transgender still call me Chris which is my dead name and I'm just getting really sick of it. I mean my dad at least tries he stumbles and he corrects himself when he catches it but no one else is even making the effort. And even with my dad I had to make a petty little deal that when I do change my name it will be to Kristina Ellen Kneaul from my original Christopher Lee Kneaul and he doesn't understand is that the reason I chose Ella is because it does have nothing in common with my dead name which is what I want. He has assured me that even if I do change my name to Ellen and use Ella as my nickname he will continue to call me Chris which is my dead name I don't care that there are women who call themselves Chris I do not want to live with my dead name. I'm just so upset about this I'm starting to slip back into my former apathy that consumed my hole life before I came out and started transitioning. Please help I am literally crying from frustration unable to sleep because of this.

[Cindy]

Hey Hon,

For a start a big HUG.

Families and names - OMG, don't start me!!

Remember you are a living memory, so people recall the memory. They may accept you totally but their brains kick in the memory.

I reckon it takes the average family about 2 years to stop using you previous name. It helps if you change your name totally from your past one. So in your case go with Ella, and never even respond to Chris, Kris or Krys - or anything else.

[Ms Grace]

Hi, it is frustrating that's for sure. The closer people are to you the longer it seems to take. You'd think it was the opposite but apparently not. I do have to ask though, where are you with your transition? Are you presenting full time as female or is it still a bit on again/off again/occasional? If you're full time then they really should lift their game, if you're part time they might be confused and need a bit more guidance from you. If they really care they will get it right.

[MyNameIsElla]

Hey Ms. Grace I'm living 80 percent as a women the only places I go as my former identity is work or places I have to use my ID something I'm terrified of doing as Ella. I mean I regularly sit around as Ella so they are used to it. And thank you So much Cindy :Big hugs right back: I guess I'll just keep pushing.

[suzifrommd]

My only advice is to treat deadnaming and misgendering the same way you would treat any other brazen, aggressive, anti-social insult. Consider cutting off contact with anyone who treats you that way. You should not have to deal with abuse, and that is exactly what this is.

Hugs, Ella. I hope you find people to surround yourself with who appreciate you and treat you with the respect you deserve.

[kittenpower]

I was willing to cut off all contact with anyone who was being disrespectful to me by using my birth name. The excuse of not doing it on purpose, becomes inexcusable after about a year (and that is really stretching it).

[MsMarlo]

Hi Ella.

Try this if you care to.  Instead of getting (too) mad, use a distraction when someone calls you by your dead name.  In other words, when someone calls you Chris, do not respond.  Then simply start looking around you as if though you are looking for someone.  Them politely respond to the person(s) " I don't see anyone named Chris around here; my name is Ella if I'm the one you're talking to."

It is quick, witty, and not disrespectful and I think you'll find yourself actually having some fun with it.  Chances are that whomever it is that addressed you by "Chris" will remember that your name is Ella.

Be safe, sweetie  )

Marlo

[Mariah]

Ella, so sorry that people are still using your dead name. I know how much that can hurt. I would share with those that are still using your dead name explain to them how much it hurts you and why it is so important that they respect your needs and wishes. Also do give them time. I know with some it does take time. I one Aunt who on the most part even when corrected wouldn't correct herself  after my name had been legally changed and now at worst on prompts corrects herself and is at least making an effort to try. Don't give and keep trying with them. I would at least keep a dialogue open and see what happens in time. Hugs
Mariah

[iKate]

I had to unfriend people in real life. Some absence made them come to their senses and they came crawling back.

Also with others showing respect for me, these people who misgendered and dead named me quickly felt like outsiders. So they stopped. I became sorta stealth with passing acquaintances. Only now have a few people come up to me asking if it's who they think I am. Only yesterday, a guy who I've been friends with on FB for a few months as my current incarnation figured me out. It was because I posted my town and date of birth with my new DL online. He even met me at a conference a few weeks ago and we chatted. He didn't have a clue. We were sorta friends for a few years prior.

One guy's kid still can't figure out who I am. She asks me if I know (deadname) and no matter how much I explain she doesn't get it. Oh well!

Remember peer pressure is a hell of a thing.

I also basically pushed the reset button in people's minds.