Last friday, I finally had my screening talk with a psychologist at the gender clinic in Amsterdam. I'm allowed into the next stage now, in which they will re-diagnose my gender dysphoria more extensively. If everything goes well, I can start HRT in February. There are so many things happening at the same time, it's sometimes a bit overwhelming.
The last few months I came out to all of my family and generally they were very accepting. My father turned out to be the best. He used to have a secretary in the late eighties who started transitioning while working for him. They wanted to fire her, but my father told his employer that if she was let off, he would go too. He also opened up about his own feminine feelings, how he likes to be nurturing, cook, etc. During the diagnostic stage they want to talk with a close relative of mine and he volunteered for it. He can tell how I already was a girl at the age of seven, dancing classical ballet, only having girlfriends and playing with dolls.
Unfortunately my mother reacted differently: when I came out to her in person she was quite friendly, but she isn't supportive at all. Yesterday I sent her an email with research papers on ->-bleeped-<-, but I sent it to her from my new "Naomi" email addres. When i talked with her over the phone she told me she was disgusted with me and didn't feel like "playing along with my Naomi game". One of my favorite cousins with whom I grew up believes I'm not transitioning but automutilating and was constantly sending me messages in order to "save" me from myself. She told me that I'd be an ugly woman while I'm a good looking man, how I had "hurt" her because she used to be in love with me when we were kids, how I would probably still be unhappy after transitioning and how she wanted to protect me against myself. They both said things that were hurtful to me and I decided to sever ties with them. I need to be surrounded with supportive people and cannot deal with this kind of crap.
I'm known as a blogger in the Netherlands. I'm a bit activistic against nazi's , xenophobes etc. and one of the neonazis I used to blog about found out about me contributing on a dutch transgender forum. They published about me, wrote things like: "we already knew he was a disgusting ->-bleeped-<-got, but now he entirely lost it". Some other bloggers even doubted my gender identity and believed I was just being an "attention whore", some even thought I was getting paid to serve the "transgender agenda" without actually being trans myself.
Anyway, I couldn't be more out of the closet than I am right now.
It feels like I'm in the next stage. My psychologist told me I should put more effort into living as a woman and gave me a
few addresses where I can get a wardrobe, classes for feminine mannerisms, etc. This is a big step for me, because I always experienced my female gender internally, while carefully not expressing that to the outside world. I do want my body to reflect my female identity, but never truly had the opportunity to dress up. It felt useless to dress as a woman while being alone in my house, but now I've started doing that. I also found a boyfriend who is very supportive, considers me to be a woman and demands me to dress the part whenever I can. that helps, he is pushing me in the right direction.
Owning an internet business developing websites for governmental institutions and corporations, I feel I can't express my gender in a professional context, until I'm entirely passable. I've also found out that being Naomi, I may desire to have a career switch. I can't play the part of being an aggressive entrepeneur and a strict project manager anymore and even feel a bit paralysed professionally. I hope I found a way to deal with that before I'm bankrupt.
My transition ship seems to be sailing.....
