Quote from: nakita on October 14, 2015, 10:08:50 PM
Is it normal to feel this way? Thanks all!!!
I like Nakita, it's pretty and also kind of Russian and I love all things Russian except Putin and the lame political junk going on there.
It's TOTALLY normal to feel how you do. My parents are having a hard time altering pronouns for me, and sometimes I DO TOO! I don't feel I do it from transphobia or self loathing, mostly just habit, but it annoys me. You sound as transwoman as anyone can be and the doubts are part of the process. Don't discredit them, but ask yourself WHY you are thinking that particular thought?
if you think : well I was gay and a cross dresser, remind yourself that feeling MORE comfortable seeing yourself fully female, being a straight woman dating a straight man (or heck, dating anyone who into LADIES) is one of many signs you are transgender, not a ->-bleeped-<-. Cross dressing men still see themselves as happy men in dresses, high heels and women's clothes, but not being a woman. It's why I don't perceive drag shows as offensive to me, they are people expressing some part of themselves or breaking down social roles or expectations, but it doesn't have to directly relate to their gender OR sexuality. Straight men can cross dress and do.
Remind yourself of this too, your family and the friends who may be sad over losing the baby bro/son image of you need to accept you are and will be changing and this is how they deal with it. A lot of supportive friends/family tend to feel some confusion or grief. For you it seems almost 100% happy because you are finally spreading your wings. For them, it might be them watching you fly off into a sunset in their heads. They think they will miss you and perhaps they are worried you may change drastically as a person.
If you are comfortable maintaining the same kinds of relationships with them, it could help. Remind them that no matter what clothes you wear or how you transition, you are still YOU. You will still love them and be able to do fun things and support them as well as let them support you! No one needs to stop cooking good food, or stop loving motorcycles just because the gender they are is going to be more in line with how they dress/act or change physically! Sure if you go on HTR, there will be some changes, but overall, you can still be you
Finally, your own brain has been used to hiding your gender, possibly even from you. So breaking down the walls kicks up some dust and makes a mess. In the end, there's going to be a much better, open space, but it can get a bit dirty and strange as things come down! I had INTENSE doubts and fears of pretty obvious things. Like body hair, or how the heck was I going to dress? And really, all the worry and stress didn't help me much.
I find making lists to be therapuetic. I makes all kinds of them, and I had to make a giant pros/cons list of all the things that made me anxious. From there I had to make about ten separate lists detailing what parts of my life were more or less stressful or how my transitioning might be hard, and then listing all the good stuff about it too. Your brain can't always sort everything out since there is sooooo much, so writing it down and trying to clear it all out of your mind, even for a little while can give you a break to destress
